How Do I Tell Him? help with OH

Kepp

Mojisola wrote: »

After you've moved in together is too late! It needs to be sorted before that so you have time to sort out potentially differing views.

Sorry, that's what I meant!

PerfectParadox

Mojisola wrote: »

After you've moved in together is too late! It needs to be sorted before that so you have time to sort out potentially differing views.

thats kinda what I meant.
I know it was my choice to leave my job and that his money is his money, I'm just a bit concerned that although he has expressed great interest in moving intogether and stuff he hasn't done anything to prepare for it and always seems to think I can foot the bill and that I have cash in my purse when his pocket runs dry. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to be mean, I find it hard to say no.

The wine and bread thing, ok wine not a necesity I get that, and yes I'll agree with your critiscm, but the bread was actually required.

oh and the commitment ceremony is kinda like a wedding, just no christian (really not looking to spark a debate about religion) and without a registra its not legally binding, thus no divorce, my parents are understanding it best as a "betrothal"

Kepp

January20 wrote: »

Not if comes to her for money once he has spent hers though, which is the impression I get from the opening post.

I took that as more than an issue with him not having a 'rainy day' fund more than anything else. Perhaps OP could confirm?

Kepp

PerfectParadox wrote: »

thats kinda what I meant.
I know it was my choice to leave my job and that his money is his money, I'm just a bit concerned that although he has expressed great interest in moving intogether and stuff he hasn't done anything to prepare for it and always seems to think I can foot the bill and that I have cash in my purse when his pocket runs dry. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to be mean, I find it hard to say no.


QUOTE]

Maybe start saying no even if you find that hard? Quickest way to put a stop to this.

PerfectParadox

beccie wrote: »

I took that as more than an issue with him not having a 'rainy day' fund more than anything else. Perhaps OP could confirm?

I am concerned that he doesn't have any buffer whats so ever. His flat mate recently moved out and took the kettle, toaster and microwave with him. OH now has none of these and though he agrees he needs them, has no way of saving up for them at the moment and this concerns me. What happens when we live together and the washingmachiene breaks down or something like that. I don't know how to broach the subject with him without hurting his pride, or bringing up the EX with whom he priviously lived.

sorry If ive vexed people.

sacha28

:cool:Gosh where do you start with this one?! You don't live together. He works. You don't. He only asks for money for luxuries not to pay his bills, right? The latter would suggest that, just because he doesn't save, doesn't mean he's terrible with money.....he just enjoys the finer things in life.
I'm a non-saver, I've never seen the point in making myself miserable by denying myself something I'd quite like for something I may need in the future, but my bills are always paid BEFORE I start spending. This mentality drove my fiance mad when we first moved in together but we have reached a happy medium.........
I get paid monthly, he gets paid fortnightly (sound familiar?). We sat down and had a proper talk about how things would/could work (communication is the key to all successful relationships!!). We decided that the best course of action would be that I paid all of the monthly bills out of my account (rent, council tax, insurance, sky etc) and he would be responsible for everything else (fuel for car, food, going out, luxuries etc). This has worked amazingly well for the past 3 years with all bills paid on time and both of us being happy with our standard of living. We decided against a joint account for bills purely because we had both been badly burnt by our exes!! Since he proposed we have opened a savings account (I was dragged kicking and screaming :rotfl:) and we have both been putting a little in each pay day.
This situation is easily sorted with a lillte communication and I think you will both have to make compromises, although considering he is the one with the job you are being pretty harsh and possibly a little bit control-freak like!!

Kepp

Not at all, please don't be sorry, and sorry if I responded harshly, took the original post a bit wrong I think

Could you as part of the moving in plans organise a savings account you both put say £50 in a month so that the money is there if needed?

My OH and I now do things differently (as he earns a lot more than me) but when I lived with my ex and we were on similar earnings we ran all our bills through a seperate account and rounded up - say our half was £450 we paid in £500. This extra combined with the free council tax months when we were still paying in the same amount added up to quite a nice buffer.

Elle7

Did he save when he lived with the ex? Or did she bail him out all the time?

If he's used to having 'his' money to waste, and you (and her?) will pay for everything important and give him cash when he runs out, he's got no reason to save.

Ask him how it's going to work. Suggest working out a budget so you both save £x per week so you have a 'fund' to buy things for the flat with. See what he says. If he says he can't afford it, ask if he wants help to reduce his outgoings, so he can save a bit.

I do think you'll have to start saying no, though. Or say you haven't got the money to give him, if you'll find that easier...I hate saying no too, but I can't see how he'll understand without it.

PerfectParadox

sacha28 wrote: »

:cool:Gosh where do you start with this one?! although considering he is the one with the job you are being pretty harsh and possibly a little bit control-freak like!!

thank you very much for your suggestion, I think its helped.
I am currently without a job but this situation has been going on while i was gainfully employed, though perhaps I noticed it less because I had an income.
I wonder what advice people would have if I hadn't said I was currently out of work.

PerfectParadox

Elle7 wrote: »

Did he save when he lived with the ex? Or did she bail him out all the time?
.

Unfortunatly I don't know and I'm not allowed to ask. Talking about the ex is not a good idea we've found.

I know she earnt ALOT more than him thats about it.