How Do I Tell Him? help with OH

Pee

I think it is crucial that before the commitment ceremony you discuss how things will work when you move in together and that you even work out a budget together so you know what will happen when you live together, who will pay what and where any emergency savings can come from and be kept - i.e. perhaps a joint account or two individual savings accounts.

You then have the period of time in which you are living together to ensure this arrangement is workable and tweak it as needed until you are both comfortable and then you may wish to get married.

Now would also be a good stage to discuss whether it is acceptable for either of you to walk out on a job and what will happen when you have children or either of you get promotion or a pay rise.

You need to know what his views are and that they fit with yours.

I think your first post did sound a little controlling when actually I think you are expressing concern about how this will all work out. After that conversation, and a period of putting it into practise, you will know whether you need to be concerned.

If you were married or had children I would suggest that if you had differences about money which could not be resolved you looked at counselling, since you are still in the early stages of a relationship I think my view would be to let it go. Lots of arguments are about money and if you can't cope with his natural way of dealing with money it's like not liking his hair colour or his sense of humour, not that he is wrong but just that you are incompatable.

sacha28

PerfectParadox wrote: »

thank you very much for your suggestion, I think its helped.
I am currently without a job but this situation has been going on while i was gainfully employed, though perhaps I noticed it less because I had an income.
I wonder what advice people would have if I hadn't said I was currently out of work.

I think people would've been more understanding to your cause, for sure. It's a toughie because you have a great attitude to saving, and thank god as you need it now you're out of work, but everybody is different. He's clearly a 'live for now' personality whereas you appear to be more conservative and thoughtful. As a relationship combo it's a good match (that's a personal opinon BTW) it can take my fiance weeks to make a decision on whether to take advantage of an offer, by which time he's missed the opportunity. Sometimes he actually admits that my spontaneous nature has helped us improve our lives , other times I need reining in to stop us imploding :rotfl:. As long as you're both in agreement following 'the talk' then there really is no reason why you can't find a way where you're both happy. You may even find that he's surprised by your concerns and take immediate action, in which case you've stressed yourself out unnecessarily!!

Let us know how you get on xx

PerfectParadox

Thanks ffor everyones advice.
theres two more thing i would like to add because it might affect the advice
It was my OH that helped me make the decision to leave my job and supported it. It wasn't a I came home one day and announced it, or just stormed out of work one day to never return.
Although we do not live together, he spends 8/10 nights at mine unless hes working that night. He rarely buys groceires for his flat because we stay at mine. I cant stay at his because its against company policy.

Mojisola

PerfectParadox wrote: »

Thanks ffor everyones advice.
theres two more thing i would like to add because it might affect the advice
It was my OH that helped me make the decision to leave my job and supported it. It wasn't a I came home one day and announced it, or just stormed out of work one day to never return.
Although we do not live together, he spends 8/10 nights at mine unless hes working that night. He rarely buys groceires for his flat because we stay at mine. I cant stay at his because its against company policy.

So, he should be contributing towards the joint shopping plus something for the heating, lighting, etc, because he won't be using the utilities at his flat.

PerfectParadox

Mojisola wrote: »

So, he should be contributing towards the joint shopping plus something for the heating, lighting, etc, because he won't be using the utilities at his flat.

theortically but all bills are included in his rent. so he cant afford to help with mine

the_cat

PerfectParadox wrote: »

Unfortunatly I don't know and I'm not allowed to ask.

Big red flag!!!

OP - you say you are concerned that he has no buffer. IMO that is not true - the buffer atm is you! Until you allow him to deal with the consequences of running out of money, he has no incentive to change. You are directly contributing to his financial mismanagement.

It is often said that you cannot change others, just yourself. Stop enabling him. Get him to cough up his fair share for any food etc and then let him get on with it! When he runs out of money, he will have a miserable few days...... which might just be the thing to temper his spending early on in the week

ska_lover

Not neccesarily a big red flag.I have never understood the need for partners to constantly pore over each others past love lives - it is in the past. Why would you need to know?

My and my OH know the basic elements of each others pasts, but that is all either of us would WANT to know. Its all about me and him, why drag the past into the present.

Just to answer the op's question, if you had said you were working, I would have said tell him NO when he asks for a few quid. And stick to it. He will learn eventually.

ViolaLass

ska_lover wrote: »

Not necesarily a big red flag.I have never understood the need for partners to constantly pore over each others past love lives - it is in the past. Why would you need to know?

My and my OH know the basic elements of each others pasts, but that is all either of us would WANT to know. Its all about me and him, why drag the past into the present.

I think the point is that you should be allowed to know if you wanted to. My OH doesn't like talking about his mother, for example, but he has explained enough to me about the situation that I can understand why and if I have questions, he will answer them (I'll just be careful about when and how I ask them).

OP, when do you intend to have discussions with your OH about money, splitting bills, attitudes, plans etc? AFTER the commitment ceremony? Do you think that's wise? Do you know what you're committing yourself to? (Not saying you're committing yourself to the wrong person but you should have a very clear idea of who they are and where they want to be/go before you commit)

PerfectParadox

The reason why I was bringing all of this up is because I am worried that things are moving forward and he wants to send out invites soon but I am worried because (and yes i know I'm control freaky)
a) we havent talked about money/bills/plans etc ----> b) I don't want to move intogether if we havn't work out at least a few of teething kinkssaved up for a deposit together etc

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>c) I don't want to have the handfasting if we aren't going to be living together because I feel its kinda counter intuitive to have a commitment like that but not live together/share our lives together

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> back to A) we havn't talked about money etc....

every time i bring up that maybe we need to sit down and budget for the handfasting, or saving for our holiday, or just general money talk about savings and goals he agrees yes we need to talk about this... but then we don't. Then I feel like the narc for nagging on about it.
If and when I do suggest some ideas to help us cut costs eg) instead of buying 4-5 bottles of wine a week -which I could afford when i was working- now just buying 2 or a bottle of spirit and some cola he squiggles slightly and then if I break my own rules (by having more than 2 small glasses of wine with dinner for example which is one of my rules. ) he points it out and demonishes me for it.

guess I'm just a bit of a control nut. it is his money. I just dont like it when it comes to things like getting the bus home and we're getting on the bus, and he then informs me that he thort i knew he was out of cash and that I was paying for both bus tickets.... that just doesnt seem fair

PerfectParadox

oh and I don't care too much about the EX stuff. I know I have a past which I tell him only what I think truly affect us (eg I cant listen to that song it reminds me of jerk face 1,2 or 3) or that he has specifically asked about. I know enough.
Hes a quiet guy who has never really just blurted out information about himself or his past, or even what hes thinking. It took 8 months when I first met him years ago to find out he had a girlfriend. I just like being prepared and planning when it comes to money and home matters. Virgo to a T I guess.