How Do I Tell Him? help with OH

PerfectParadox

thank you viola lass and Fire Fox. I do get what our saying.
I know about cheats and liars, bf with babies. bf with secret babies. bf running away from their babies (and babie mommas) -no not all of these bfs were mine.)
I know hes not a dad. definatly. And he doesn't give a rats !!! about gambling. I now there has to be something his money is going on other than fags and getting to work. but I honestly don't think its either of those options.

I'm not going to be crazy loved up with him forever, I am more realistic about my realtionship with him than might be coming across. I know we work well together. and its hard to express that when im nit picking over money which i know is a corner stone in modern relationships surviving.

I just want to know how to get to having these conversations mutually and without fighting (like my parents) come to realistic compromises and soloutions. I don't want to tell him that I'm looking after the money in the relationship because I track and save and all that... because thats NOT how i want this to work, that how my dad did it and it didnt exactly end up happy ever after. I want to do it together, even if our styles are different, we both want the same things which is to move intogether and look to go on holiday.
I need help breaking this all down in to small chunks to discuss with him, b ut i don't know where to start. I've lost perspective on what goes first.
ive never had to have this conversation before with a guy because its never got this serious. Its never been a moving intogether situation. its been a 3 month right your boring now !!!! off thing before this one.
I don;;t want to be a walkover. I don't want to be a task master.
just want to know how to talk about it without becoming my parents.



oh and firefox, I'm taking it all in, I know that i could read all this as harsh :mad: but I know thats not where its coming from. thank you.

Kepp

To be fair a 40 a day habit could be costing near on £400 a month when you take into account it's approx £7 a pack of cigarettes.

Which would explain a lot

the_cat

PerfectParadox wrote: »

I now there has to be something his money is going on other than fags and getting to work. but I honestly don't think its either of those options.

I'm not going to be crazy loved up with him forever, I am more realistic about my realtionship with him than might be coming across.

Maybe as he has been badly burnt by an ex, do you think he might be using some of the money for a secret fund in case things don't work out?

Perhaps he feels the need to protect himself financially because of what has happened in the past

Kepp

PerfectParadox wrote: »

I just want to know how to get to having these conversations mutually and without fighting (like my parents) come to realistic compromises and soloutions. I don't want to tell him that I'm looking after the money in the relationship because I track and save and all that... because thats NOT how i want this to work, that how my dad did it and it didnt exactly end up happy ever after. I want to do it together, even if our styles are different, we both want the same things which is to move intogether and look to go on holiday.
I don;;t want to be a walkover. I don't want to be a task master.
just want to know how to talk about it without becoming my parents.

I'd start there - you've summed it up perfectly. Tell him exactly that and he should realise you don't want to argue.

soup

PerfectParadox wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for a while now, and we keep talking about the future, moving in together, babies (long way off) and such.
We are even having a commitment ceremony come end of august at ,which point we plan to get a flat.

I can't see it working out well, in the end.

PerfectParadox

soup wrote: »

I can't see it working out well, in the end.

thanks(!)


and beccie thank you, I think your right, I will try doing that... and I hadnt calculated the price of fags either which is a bit of an insight.

Barneysmom

You're in a slippery place at the moment, desperately trying to climb out.


You haven't got a job now so have lost that secure feeling you had when you were in control of the financial future.


Now suddenly you need reassurance and you aren't getting any from you BF.
Nothing has changed for him has it.

Some suggestions.
Put away thoughts of moving in together in September. Just for now.

Write out a comprehensive list of all the bills you'll both encounter, including 20 fags a day. Leave it in the open where he can see it, where he'll look through it and realise that hey this is serious.

The most important thing you should be doing right now is finding a job. You have to be able to support yourself if things don't work out (or if they do).

Cut down on the wine, if you are drinking a bottle a night (?).

PerfectParadox

thank you we were drinking a bottle a night, and then i realised thats what we were doing, hence trying to limit it without going the whole hog.

sacha28

:eek: Wow people this is all getting very complicated/personal!! First of all, this was advice on how to broach the subject of finances with the other half, it was never supposed to be questioning the state of said relationship! The in's and out's of their relationship is none of our business, how to help find a solution for the issue is what we're supposed to be doing. Every relationship is different - my partner and I have a very honest relationship as we began our lives as an affair and felt that was the best way to make it work. My sister and her partner have been together for many years and they have many things that neither knows......but it works for them.
A family member of mine worked for weatherspoons and rented a flat with them so what this lady is saying is true, besides their wages aren't far off NMW so won't go very far.

Honey I feel you're missing a vital point here - don't say you need to talk and set a time, which gives him the opportunity to wriggle out of it, just sit him down and tell him you are going to talk about it NOW. I cannot stress enough how important communication is in a relationship and you've been together a while so you must be able to communicate on some level. What happened when he was with his ex really isn't important in the grand scheme of things because what happens with one man and his ex is not what will happen with one man and his current. I know from experience that I interact on a completely different level with my fiance to what I did with my ex, and that's because they are 2 different personalities with different ways of thinking.

I think we need to stop belittling the relationship as a whole and get back to advising on how best to broach the subject......seize the day, thats what I say, do it tonight when he's least expecting it

Fire_Fox

PerfectParadox wrote: »

thank you viola lass and Fire Fox. I do get what our saying.
I know about cheats and liars, bf with babies. bf with secret babies. bf running away from their babies (and babie mommas) -no not all of these bfs were mine.)
I know hes not a dad. definatly. And he doesn't give a rats !!! about gambling. I now there has to be something his money is going on other than fags and getting to work. but I honestly don't think its either of those options.

I'm not going to be crazy loved up with him forever, I am more realistic about my realtionship with him than might be coming across. I know we work well together. and its hard to express that when im nit picking over money which i know is a corner stone in modern relationships surviving.

I just want to know how to get to having these conversations mutually and without fighting (like my parents) come to realistic compromises and soloutions. I don't want to tell him that I'm looking after the money in the relationship because I track and save and all that... because thats NOT how i want this to work, that how my dad did it and it didnt exactly end up happy ever after. I want to do it together, even if our styles are different, we both want the same things which is to move intogether and look to go on holiday.
I need help breaking this all down in to small chunks to discuss with him, b ut i don't know where to start. I've lost perspective on what goes first.
ive never had to have this conversation before with a guy because its never got this serious. Its never been a moving intogether situation. its been a 3 month right your boring now !!!! off thing before this one.
I don;;t want to be a walkover. I don't want to be a task master.
just want to know how to talk about it without becoming my parents.

oh and firefox, I'm taking it all in, I know that i could read all this as harsh :mad: but I know thats not where its coming from. thank you.

I'm honestly not saying you are being any more unrealistic than anyone else about it being forever, very probably more mature and realistic than I was when I got married at 22. I started out that relationship OK with money, had a cashcard and savings. Left it ten years later totally useless with finances having allowed myself to be babied/ controlled. I then spent £20K over my income on partying in about three years, oops. :rotfl:

You've tried the 'we need to sit down and have an adult conversation' angle, and that has not worked. Many guys don't respond well to being cornered, even tho you have every right to want to get this resolved so you can move forwards as planned. There is no magic way to avoid an argument. Just stop enabling him, stop bailing him out regardless of the consequences (prison or kneecapping excepted).

Don't book anything expensive until he has the money for his half, don't make a fuss or be snipey, just agree to do stuff as soon as he lets you know he has his share available. In a way it may be easier for you to do this now you are not working, because you can throw in that you need a few days to transfer your half of the money from your savings account so he knows you do not have the full amount available. For the small stuff stop having more cash on your than YOU need and stop taking your cards out with you. It's a standard way of budgeting, which it's not unreasonable for you to do whilst unemployed. He has to work this out for himself, or be willing to be honest with you about his debts, or realise he needs to quit smoking, however long that takes.

BTW I trained as an NHS stop smoking advisor - if smoking is the money pit, then confronting the financial aspect is unlikely to be effective. Anything perceived as 'nagging' - including medical advice - tends to make the habit more entrenched in the smoker's mind. The verbal techniques that are most successful come under the umbrella of motivational interviewing. MI is about asking open questions, letting the client tell you why their habit is a problem, letting them tell you their individual reasons for quitting, letting them tell you what their unique plan is to achieve that and when they are going to do so. The client has to want to quit, unfortunately there is a good proportion who never do. By loaning him money on a Tuesday, are you enabling him to appease his addiction on a Wednesday and Thursday?