How Do I Tell Him? help with OH

PerfectParadox

I have been with my boyfriend for a while now, and we keep talking about the future, moving in together, babies (long way off) and such.
We are even having a commitment ceremony come end of august at ,which point we plan to get a flat. (Bit odd not to live toegether after doing a big do-dad with all our family there). This is not my problem.

My problem has a few legs I guess. But the one that agrivates me most and I don't know how to talk to him about is.
1. he never has money left at the end of the week.
I love him to bits, but I want to strangle him when, like clockwork, thursday (occasionally its wednesday and once or twice tuesday) rolls round and he is skint. He gets paid weekly, and I know he is earning similar to what I used to earn, But he doesnt save.
Last night (being thursday night) he asked for cash to go buy wine and bread (both clearly required for dinner) This week we have not gone out, used up left overs in the cupboards, And things that we did do. I paid for mostly. And still, he is out of cash.

2. he forgets that I'm not earning
I lost/walked out of my job a month ago. Yes i know. Rash and probably not a good idea, but I did it because I didn't see many other options. When I was earning we splitt things nicely with me paying for things for the first 2 weeks of the month and him for the latter two weeks (I got paid monthly, him weekly) But I still Managed to put payments towards my CC, paid my rent, put some money into savings/rainy day fund and I let myself have treats. Lots of them. And I still never went "skint".
now I am using up said rainy day fund to pay off CC and to get by frugally, but it still feels like I'm providing the lions share of paying for things, and the fact that I have a CC debt that I fret about doesn't concern him.

I know i need to get a job and start building my savings up, But how do I tell him that I need him to do the same.
any advice on how to get him to see that I don't understand where his money goes? or is it none of my bussiness and I'm being controlling? I'm sure some of it is me too... just can't get perspective.

findingmyownway

I think this is something you need to sort out before you live together. I would say that at the moment, he is within his rights to spend his money on whatever he wants, living as a single man, and probably gives little thought to the fact that you walked out of your job as it doesnt concern his bills etc.

HOWEVER, you would be very wise to have a frank conversation about what you BOTH want and expect from cohabitation. Do you intend to live together as a 'team', with each of you sharing the household money, financial roles and responsibilities? Or to live very much still as individuals with 'his' and 'hers' money? Or somewhere in the middle? What would you say if he walks out of his job? Would you be happy to support him then?

peachyprice

Sorry to be harsh here, but you don't live together, so really it's none of your concern whether or not he has any money left by the end of the week, but by the same token it's not your place to bail him out.

Don't give him cash for things HE want's. He either makes do with what you have or goes without. Dinner without wine and bread is perfectly acceptable.

The fact that you are not working isn't really his problem as it was your decision and it's your household you're running. But why are you still paying out for things you cannot afford?

It's your home, your rent, your housekeeping money, why are you paying out for him? Surely you're not shopping as if you were a couple living together? If he wants to come to dinner and you cannot afford to buy the extra food for him, tell him to bring it with.

ska_lover

So your question is - How do you tell him you want him to save, instead of being skint at the end of the week?

1) You don't live together at the moment.
2) You are not even in work yourself at the moment - you walked out of your own job.

Yet you plan to TELL him you want him to do with his own earnings?

Erm....Good luck with that..

Teddy_KGB

What's a commitment ceremony? Is it something you do instead of getting married so you don't have to pay for a divorce when you break up? :money:

pigpen

Teddy_KGB wrote: »

What's a commitment ceremony? Is it something you do instead of getting married so you don't have to pay for a divorce when you break up? :money:

love it... I was thinking more like an engagement party type thing.. in real terms.. any excuse to get ratted!!!

I'd say 'How are we working the money/housework/bills/etc when we are living together?'

then go from there..

Explain what YOU want with YOUR responsibilities and income and in an ideal world what you would like to see and let him do the same.

Kepp

Give him a break!

Once you live together then you will need to set ground rules as to who pays for what when, till then it is his money. Even once you live together although you have every right to expect him to pay his share of rent, bills etc you can still not expect him to save if that is not his thing. It is his money after all.

I understand that sometimes walking out of a job is your only option - however, it doesn't give you a leg to stand on when it comes to arguing how money should be spent.

Take a good look at your budgeting - you have a CC debt so clearly have not always been good with money. I have debt too so am not judging you for that - however, I know it means I have to accept I wasn't always good with money before telling someone else they are not. He may have no money left but at least he's not putting things on a CC.

Wine and bread are not necessary for a dinner.

I understand that this is a frustrating issue and money causes many arguments but really until you live together his money is not your business.

Mojisola

beccie wrote: »

Once you live together then you will need to set ground rules as to who pays for what when, till then it is his money. Even once you live together although you have every right to expect him to pay his share of rent, bills etc you can still not expect him to save if that is not his thing. It is his money after all.

After you've moved in together is too late! It needs to be sorted before that so you have time to sort out potentially differing views.

January20

I think most posters above me are being very harsh with the OP. Yes, they live apart and it's his money so the OP cannot tell him what to do, but there are two points worth remembering:

1) he comes to her to be bailed out - yet they do not live together - it's not a very promising attitude (has he no self-respect?)

2) His attitude towards money is probably a way of life so isn't the OP correct in worrying about this? Will he change magically when they move in together? Isn't he actually demonstrating he is reckless with money and not savvy at all financially? It can be impossible to live with someone who has a very different attitude to money.

OP, I think you need to be tougher with your partner. If he has no money by Tuesday then tough, he can do without and not get anything from you. don't get yourself into any more debt for him because you'll have to pay for it. I also think you need to get yourself some kind of work so you can stop fretting over your CC

January20

beccie wrote: »

Give him a break!

Once you live together then you will need to set ground rules as to who pays for what when, till then it is his money. Even once you live together although you have every right to expect him to pay his share of rent, bills etc you can still not expect him to save if that is not his thing. It is his money after all.
.

Not if comes to her for money once he has spent hers though, which is the impression I get from the opening post.

peachyprice

January20 wrote: »

Not if comes to her for money once he has spent hers though, which is the impression I get from the opening post.

In which case she needs to toughen and and say no, especially as she it without a job herself.

The situation has arisen because OP has let it.