Couple clashing over finances

olias

The guy is an idiot! and a selfish one. A marriage is a partnership and brings responsibilities. Even more so with children. Does he think he could afford to spend £700 on himself if he had to pay his own mortgage and bills? I am a man, and I give everything I ever earn into the family 'pot'. If I am lucky, then every so often there may be a little left over, and I can treat myself - maybe to some clothes, or to spend on a hobby, but not often. That is the choice you make when you choose to have a family.

In my opinion that should always be the case in a family of limited income. It would be different if you were wealthy, had a lot of money in savings or investments, or both earned a lot of money (whether part time or not), but the fact is you don't. And neither do most people.

I seriously thought men like him went out with the ark - heres your few quid housekeeping love, now I'm off down the pub!

Seriously, tell him to get a reality check and grow up!

Olias

carolan78

I think you need to sit him down and really talk to him about how much it costs to run a house and how you and his children are going without a few little extras and treats all because he insists he should have any excess each month.

A much fairer way would be for him to take £200, you to have £200 and then the remainder £300 be saved for things like days out and the family holidays or just anything extra the kids might need during the course of a year.

*EDIT* Just read he pays for sky so that should come out of the 300 as the whole household should benefit from that. His car, is it one you and the children can travel in or is it not suitable for families?

If you can all travel in it then that puts a different spin on figures and the cost of the finance would depend on what he actually has left surplus each month. If you can't use his car as a family one then I would suggest if finacially viable he gets rid and replaces it with something more family friendly or does without spends for gadgets each month as that is his toy!

onlyroz

How old are your children? I think that their ages makes a difference as to whether it is practical for you to work longer hours than you do.

I pay £13 a day for afterschool care from 3pm - 6pm for my son, and so you could suggest to your husband that this is what you are saving the family by choosing to be at home.

relic

Tish_P wrote: »

relic, I don't think there's anything wrong per se with adults having personal spending money - it's a good thing, if the budget can stand it. What's wrong is one partner having pocket money and the other one not!

Sorry, I probably came across as no one should have money to spend on themselves, I was just slightly irritated reading this thread!

I don't believe in splitting the money dependant on how many hours people work, or how much they earn, just seems very childish to me.

julie03

relic wrote: »

Sorry, I probably came across as no one should have money to spend on themselves, I was just slightly irritated reading this thread!

I don't believe in splitting the money dependant on how many hours people work, or how much they earn, just seems very childish to me.

i've never understood it either, we have 2 accounts both joint, one for savings one for everything else, if i want extra i ask, if OH wants extra he asks and all it ever boils down to is if we have it that month, its never based on who earns what or who works harder or if they have already had a treat that month, would never begrudge OH anything nor him me

we are a family unit, therefore a team and we have never argued about money in 20 years of marriage

margaretclare

As he earns more than you he should contribute more than you i.e. he should pay the mortgage and 'big things' like car costs, council tax.

That would be fair.

In an earlier generation your earnings would have been regarded as 'pin money' i.e. your clothes, extras, help towards holiday costs. Where does the idea come from that 'because he works full-time he's entitled to keep most of what he earns'? And what does he think bringing up his children consists of - sitting in the sun all day? If he had to pay a housekeeper to do all that you do, never mind your part-time earnings, he'd darned soon see the difference.

cheese_cake_2

Amanda65 wrote: »

Can I just ask how this arrangement came about and who decided that you should pay for the holidays and replacement household items? How much do the tax credits / child benefit increase your income by?

He moved into my home with me and my older children and we've since had another child together. I was working part time before I met him and managing fine. He was working full time. Employement wise, we've both continued working for the same employers for the same wage.

He initially asked what I would lose in working tax credits etc., if he moved in and said he would cover what I lost. Everything has just remained in my name apart from the Sky TV which I didn't have and he wanted put in, although we all do watch that.

I thought it was fair at the time but didn't really think about it. It's only over the years since that the resentment has built up and I need to deal with it.

I do the bulk of the housework, cooking, etc.

He says he hates his job and wants to quit or work part time as well. I would hate to work full time as I want to be there for the children when they come in from school etc. Just motherly instincts and all that. It's one of those things where he thinks it's unfair he has to work full time and I think it's unfair that he wants me to work full time so he can go part time. Hats off to anyone who can find a resolution to that one!

I do attend the assemblies etc., as it means a lot to the children and they think it's important one of us is there. It also builds relationships with the teachers as they get to know you better if you're at school every day picking them up and attending things. School have an "open door" policy and all the teachers are in the yard after school, so you can have a quick word about things rather than make an appointment.

Cars - both have a family car. Mines a lot older than his and got over 100,000 miles on it. It's broken down a couple of times, and I'm starting to worry as I can't afford to replace it. Both need a car for work as it's a rural village with a rubbish bus service that doesn't cater for our working hours.

Thank you for all the comments so far, even the devils advocate ones. It's really helping me get a clearer picture on things and trying to find a solution.

CH27

Do you own the home?
Basically it sounds as though he thinks of himself as a lodger.

olias

cheese_cake wrote: »

He moved into my home with me and my older children and we've since had another child together. I was working part time before I met him and managing fine. He was working full time. Employement wise, we've both continued working for the same employers for the same wage.

He initially asked what I would lose in working tax credits etc., if he moved in and said he would cover what I lost. Everything has just remained in my name apart from the Sky TV which I didn't have and he wanted put in, although we all do watch that.

I thought it was fair at the time but didn't really think about it. It's only over the years since that the resentment has built up and I need to deal with it.

I do the bulk of the housework, cooking, etc.

He says he hates his job and wants to quit or work part time as well. I would hate to work full time as I want to be there for the children when they come in from school etc. Just motherly instincts and all that. It's one of those things where he thinks it's unfair he has to work full time and I think it's unfair that he wants me to work full time so he can go part time. Hats off to anyone who can find a resolution to that one!

I do attend the assemblies etc., as it means a lot to the children and they think it's important one of us is there. It also builds relationships with the teachers as they get to know you better if you're at school every day picking them up and attending things. School have an "open door" policy and all the teachers are in the yard after school, so you can have a quick word about things rather than make an appointment.

Cars - both have a family car. Mines a lot older than his and got over 100,000 miles on it. It's broken down a couple of times, and I'm starting to worry as I can't afford to replace it. Both need a car for work as it's a rural village with a rubbish bus service that doesn't cater for our working hours.

Thank you for all the comments so far, even the devils advocate ones. It's really helping me get a clearer picture on things and trying to find a solution.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......Seriously, what a d*ck head!

Re the first point - Wow, that's big of him! It sounds like he still thinks of himself as single, or rather, thinks of you as nothing more than his girlfriend.

On the second point, what a whiney, selfish, childish boy he sounds - 'It's not fair, she doesn't have to work full time, why should I' - I'm hating him more and more!

So you are doing OK, have a house, car, job. Then he turns up on the scene, gets you pregnant, moves into your home and says, heres a few quid darling (while thinking, 'that'll keep her quiet!')

I'm lost for words - he is a boy, not a man. And I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you need to start standing up for yourself and your family, or you will always be the little woman at home. He sounds as if he is using you as his meal ticket, not the other way round!

Olias

cheese_cake_2

CH27 wrote: »

Do you own the home?
Basically it sounds as though he thinks of himself as a lodger.

I do own it, but I don't think of it as "mine" and we've changed decor and stuff to make it "ours" if that makes sense. It was only kept in my sole name as all the finances are kept separate and nothing got changed over to joint names.

It does feel more like he's a lodger than a husband though.