Couple clashing over finances

cheese_cake_2

Registered a different name to protect our identity.

We're married with children. He works full time and I work part time.

At the moment, he earns approx £1200 a month take home pay and I earn approx £500 and the tax credits and child benefit are paid to me. We have separate accounts.

He matches my £500 and I pay for all the household running costs such as bills, mortgage, food etc. I also pay for big things like holidays, decorating, replacing worn out household items etc.

His remaining £700 is spent by him. He pays for Sky TV and now the phone and internet as he got a good bundle deal. He's chosen to buy a newish car on finance, buys gadgets, beer and other personal spending.

It's building resentment as I haven't got any free cash to spend as I wish and I get very jealous of him having that much cash to spend on himself.

His theory is that he works full time, so he's entitled to keep the additional cash for himself as he's worked hard for it. He thinks I should get a full time job and then I'll have the extra wages to spend on myself.

I don't want to work full time as I want to be home when the children come in from school and I want to be able to attend things like school assemblies, sports day etc., as it means a lot to the children if their Mum is there. Ideally I would like a joint pot that everything goes into. Each gets £x for personal spends and the rest goes on household running costs. Anything left over is kept joint and a joint decision is made on what it's used for.

I'm not looking to point blame at people or opinions on who is wrong or right. I'm just looking for suggestions of how people would work joint finances if they were in our situation to find a fair solution for both parties.

pigpen

Tell him you'll get a full time job if he pays the childcare!!!!!!!

I think a percentage of the wages makes more sense.. he gets twice as much as you so contributes twice as much to the house!

Holidays, housey stuff and stuff you all gain from should also come out of this budget.. he is being quite greedy I think..

When KH was here.. the monthly money paid all the bills then we sorted stuff for the house and children and whatever was left (nothing usually) went on ourselves.

cte1111

Oh my goodness, I was just horrified by your post. You are married, surely you should be sharing your income? IMHO it's not acceptable for your husband to behave like this.

But how to resolve it? I guess you have to look at how you ended up in this unequal situation.

Perhaps you could work out how much it would cost in childcare if you were working full time and he could pay that extra amount into the family pot in order to acknowledge the work that you are doing in the home. Do your friends and family manage money in this way? Some peer pressure might help him realise how unreasonable he is being.

Amanda65

How very selfish of him. Can I just ask how this arrangement came about and who decided that you should pay for the holidays and replacement household items? How much do the tax credits / child benefit increase your income by?

At various times in our marriage we have both worked full time, I have worked part time and OH has been made redundant on a few occasions. We have always had a joint account and whatever goes in belongs to both of us, regardless of earnings. In the early days we both had 'pcoket money' each month but when times have been tough neither have had this.

I think you need to sit down with your OH and explain to him how you feel and that there needs to be a fairer split of the family income. If he doesn't agree, start invoicing him monthly for the childcare you provide for HIS children !

mummyroysof3

i would be saying that he should be contrinuting a little more to free up some of your money to be spending money on yourself, maybe use that prices of everything is going up as an excuse to ask for more if you think he may say no.

i dont work so everything goes into one pot and we have a little amount of spends each...it works well for us

hope you can sort it out x

Gigglepig

This does not sound ideal - personally I wouldn't marry someone unless I was going to share everything with them. In my view, team spirit is essential to marriage.

I would try to get to the bottom of why he feels that he works harder than you, and work out some shared goals.
I think several good points have been raised already, at the end of the day the two of you need to discuss and come to an agreement.

- although you earn less it sounds like you contribute more to the household i.e. childcare costs, cleaner, cooking... he should not disregard those contributions
- if he feels that you work less hard, then why not give a full time job a try- and then re-evaluate how it impacts everyone. Perhaps your husband will change his mind when he sees how nice (and cheap) it is to have you spend time at home taking care of things, rather than working and "outsourcing" cleaning, nanny etc...
- would your husband agree to pool all the income, set aside a "housekeeping" budget, give each of you a bit of "pocket money", and put the rest in a joint savings account?
- is there another reason why your husband may resent that you work fewer hours - for example, does he dream of working p/t, moving to a less stressful job, or perhaps studying at some time in the future?
- it may be worth looking into qualifications etc. that could help you earn more whilst still working part time?

relic

Me and my partner have been together for about 5 years now, finances have always been split, but it's never been a case of "oh I can only spend this much" or anything, if someone wants something we talk and plan for it! We don't share an account, but my partner has access to my card whenever she needs it.

I could see the sort of situation you are talking about working if his wages were triple what they are, but earning only 1200 a month, and having £700 of it to spend on "beer, personal spending, gadgets, and cars" is ridiculous, especially when you have children.

What an idiot.

Tish_P

And let me guess - you do all the housework?

You need to renegotiate this to find a solution you're both happy with, that values the childcare and domestic work you're doing, and that is fair in allowing both partners some freedom and spending money.

jetta_wales

Sorry but he sounds like a right prat! You're a family, you're parenting the children you both chose to have, deduct a wage for yourself from his earnings for the hours you're home for the kids and for any housework you do if he doesn't do a fair share of that either.

OR tell him to grow to f*** up and realise that you are a FAMILY.

praline

Gosh - I responded to a similar problem husband thread yesterday... Why does he not care that you have enough cash? What did you do before thie children?

Ok this is how my husband and I do it (we do not have any kids or joint accounts bar savings).

We have a bills account which pays for bills/shopping/petrol/insurances take-outs and some joint trips, every few months I transfer the surplus from that account into the savings. When we get paid we both transfer into this account all of our surplus above our agreed and equal monthly spends. The monthly spends covers lunches at work, clothes, gifts for each other, and our social activities. Nothing else really.

If/when we have children we will pay for their needs from the bills account.

We have swapped places over the years as to who earns more but it never changes the income into the house. Because we are two people saring a house/life so any income into our four walls is shared. We live in communist theory!

It means that no one is counting pennies for a pint while the other has enough for champagne. I wouldn't want to see him doing it and he wouldn't like to see me doing it. Obvoisuly there are some months where one is a bit skint, but the skint one either cuts back a bit or the rich one coughs up.

We very, very rarely argue about money.

OP - You need to encourage him to share income collectively. Do you pay for the shopping? Because if I were you I'd cut back on it sharply. The children would have to cope with it (bake, get them food he won't eat).

Praline.x

moodydonkey

He thinks you should get a full time job? Fine then. Start charging him for meals and laundry and childcare that you are doing for 'free' at the moment. Should bring you in some extra income.