surviving affairs

ellay864

Izzy...I was 39 when I met my OH...at that time my 2 boys were 12 and 9, I have no family round here and though they saw their dad every other weekend, any man I saw had to be prepared to take on my kids too. But I met a wonderful - it hasn't been dead easy, he had 2 kids similar ages and it took a while for them to get used to me (though my 2 adored my fella luckily!) but we've now been together over 7 years. I never thought it would happen for me either but believe me it can - hang on in there

Kimberley82

OK thanks, not that positive but thank you for being truthful, its been a year since it came out and most of the time its great, just the occasional wobble. I guess the fact he wants to buy a house with me is a good sign.

sarahevie

Is is a long term relationship?

I am more inclined that you can make it work more if there's something substantial to work with ie longer term relationship? children? etc.

I've not had to go through this personally, but my mum found out that my dad was having a 4 month affair with a work colleague just before their 25th wedding anniversary. He told her because he was going to leave. However, after 6 months of living under the same roof, but quite separate - he realised he still loved my mum and had just had his head turned.

Five years on and they are both fine. Although life has meant they spend a bit too much time together in my opinion as they are full time property developers so work and live together

relic

Not a chance.

Debs1968

Hi, I'd like to give you a more positive story.

In 2009 I discovered my DH of 19 years had been seeing a work colleage on and off for 5 months. During that time I had known something wasnt right and had repeatedly asked him if he was having an affair - each time he denied it. Just after midnight on 29th May he finally confessed - my world crashed around me. A lot happened over the following weeks, much of which you probably lived your own version of a year ago. There were many tears (on both our parts) and then such fierce anger (on my part). The night after he had confessed and told me he was leaving, he suddenly changed his mind. He told me he loved me and that he wanted us to work it out, if we could. Three weeks later I couldnt bear to be in the same room as him and threw him out. I eventually allowed him back and we began counselling, one of the best things we did. His remorse is palpable. I could go into detail on here detailing the things he did and said over the following months to prove he was worth a second chance, but it would take up pages. Our relationship is, dare I say it, better than I could have imagined it would be 2 years ago. Like you, I have occasional wobbles (usually around the anniversary of the truth coming out). However, he usually spots when I am in a low mood or a sad place and does his utmost to reassure me. It has taken time, understanding and a lot of talking to get where we are today. It's not a perfect relationship by any means but we are very happy, as are our children who knew all about it (wouldnt have wanted them to know but could not prevent them finding out). Once again, he is the man I see myself growing old with.

I hope hearing of a positive outcome, has helped you a little.

Debs x

Kimberley82

sarahevie wrote: »

Is is a long term relationship?

I am more inclined that you can make it work more if there's something substantial to work with ie longer term relationship? children? etc.

I've not had to go through this personally, but my mum found out that my dad was having a 4 month affair with a work colleague just before their 25th wedding anniversary. He told her because he was going to leave. However, after 6 months of living under the same roof, but quite separate - he realised he still loved my mum and had just had his head turned.

Five years on and they are both fine. Although life has meant they spend a bit too much time together in my opinion as they are full time property developers so work and live together

11.5 years together, 10.5 years of marriage. 2 children.

MichaelCR

Kimberley82 wrote: »

has anyone here survived an affair? either as the betrayed party or the betrayer? by survived I mean made the relationship work?

Once a cheater. Always a Cheater.

sarahevie

Debs1968 story is so eerily similar to my own parents, so it does go to show it can work. Mine celebrated 30 years of marriage in May.

Kimberley go with your heart, personally I could forgive an affair, but there would have to be remorse and I would have to believe it was a one off. I could handle sex more than an emotional affair IYSWIM.

sashadesade

In my experience, no. It's always there in the background and the trust can never be fully regained, which is just not workable as far as I'm concerned.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What happens the next time they aren't home from work on the dot? When they have their mobile with them and they go to the bathroom (even if they don't actually take a call but it's in their pocket)? When he smiles to himself but doesn't give a convincing excuse for looking happy? When even though he hasn't put a step wrong, you have that stab of doubt, nagging away at you? When you make love and it is fantastic, is it because he learned something new from her? Is he thinking of her when you make love?


That's an awful lot to put aside.


And then he could be suspicious of you, think you are going to 'get him back' and become a control freak himself. You could find yourself biting back the words 'I'm not the one who had the affair!' if he is a bit snippy when you've been out with your friends and woken him up coming in late. If you've had a couple of drinks, you might not be able to bite it back. Cue another massive argument.


All these things have to be considered. After all, the woman didn't choose to betray you, he did. She owes you nothing, and he promised to forsake all others. So don't be fooled into thinking it is all her fault for stealing him away. At the very least, he allowed himself to be led by his d*** and just as likely, he did the pursuing.


I never trusted my ex afterwards, even though he continued to deny it and tie himself in knots over his lies that I wasn't listening to. He still denies it to any of his many conquests. He tells them how I broke his heart by chucking him out for his best friend. No I didn't. And the person I did get together with three months later was never his friend, he just knew him.


I couldn't and wouldn't forgive and forget, so I shut off completely. I went through the motions, just waiting for the one act that would spur me on to ending it. It's not a nice way to live.

If you can, you're a bigger person than me.