surviving affairs

Kimberley82

has anyone here survived an affair? either as the betrayed party or the betrayer? by survived I mean made the relationship work?

pigpen

Not here... he was booted after I had known about it for 3 months.. best thing I ever did!

izzybusy23

Kimberley82 wrote: »

has anyone here survived an affair? either as the betrayed party or the betrayer? by survived I mean made the relationship work?

I tried; my still husband and i were going to try again January just gone as he realised he had made a mistake after 11 months of being with his girlfriend but it turned out he had got her pregnant and didn't want that commitment with her and tried to come back to me. Fortunately she wised me up before things got back to anything significant with him. However after all her b.ollox about never taking him back, they are living together with baby due in a couple of months. As we have a DD together I still see him and the final betrayal of her pregnancy still hurts to this day; in fact it damn near destroyed me at the time.

I think if it's a clean cut affair with no added nasty surprises and counselling is sought to address the issues which prompted the affair and the OH showed real remorse then I can't see why it couldn't work. It would be hard and painful but they can be overcome in time when the trust has been rebuilt.

happy35

i think it would depend on the person for me it would be over as I just wouldnt be able to get over the detrayal and it would eat away and destroy the relationship.

I am very grudge bearing it is the way i am i cant help it, the trust would be gone forever for me

I have friends who have overcome it and seem very happy together

polejunkie

Yes and no.

I forgave my ex after a one night stand after all it was no strings and he promised the earth and on everyone's grave he wouldn't do it again, he kept it word by not having another one night stand and had an affair instead. If he got away with it once then why not again?

I cant forgive affairs, there is something that just disgust's me to the core about them, cowardly, selfish, egotistical and utterly utterly disgusting people have affairs. I dont care how many people try and argue the toss and give excuses, its disgusting.

If your unhappy go and get help, if your depressed go and see a doctor, if your craving love go get a puppy, if your bored get a hobby, if your unhappy with your partner then leave, if you fancy someone else then take a long hard look at your partner and ask yourself if it's really worth it?.

None of those are a excuse to jump on the next d!ck or village bike/

fannyanna

I think if you are going to give it another go you both need to realise the affair was a symptom of a problem within the relationship. You both need to figure out what the problem was / is and what to do about it.

Also you really do need to forgive and forget. It wont work if you keep bringing up the affair.

Hope everything works out for you whatever you decide for the best.

scooby088

I think that the trust issue is always going to be there as is the betrayal, if you can truly forgive and forget then i'd say that it something you can build on. It also help that the cheater knows the hurt they have caused and is truly remorseful of his/her actions.

ellay864

I tried with my ex - he had had an affair with another woman. 3 times I let him say how sorry he was and he really did want me and our boys over her but each time he weakened. It didn't help that the 3 of us all worked at the same place (though it's very big and I rarely saw him let alone her) but they worked fairly closely so couldn't avoid each other and the inevitable happened.
Even when we were supposedly trying I just got so paranoid about everything and building the trust back would have been horrendous. For a long time I did genuinely believe we could have done it if she hadn't been on the scene at all (ie if I'd taken a Kalashnikov to her!!) but every day I spent the time torturing myself wondering if he'd spoken to her that day etc. I dont honestly think it would have ever been the same...but as it turned out he chose her and there was no way back then. They're now married (unhappily I hope!) and I will be married in 4 months time

Molly41

I tried with my ex (father of my first son). I did manage to forgive him but I never forgot and that led to a lack of trust. Shame as I loved him and probably still do but it was the beginning of the end. I married a wonderful man whom I trust implicitly so there is a future for anyone affected by an affair x

izzybusy23

Molly41 wrote: »

I tried with my ex (father of my first son). I did manage to forgive him but I never forgot and that led to a lack of trust. Shame as I loved him and probably still do but it was the beginning of the end. I married a wonderful man whom I trust implicitly so there is a future for anyone affected by an affair x

I hope you are right. 15 months on I'm still struggling; although I was getting to a good place until i found out my husband got his gf pregnant. There is no way back from that; to me that is the ultimate betrayal. Can't help feel at 39 my life is over and this is as good as it gets

make_me_wise

I could not forgive an affair and I know my husband couldn't either. I think it is the ultimate betrayal. Shortly before we got married actually we had a discussion about this.

He told me that if I had any issues with our relationship to discuss it with him and he would do the same with me. Even if that involved telling each other that things weren't working. It would give us a chance to try and resolve problems and get back on track.

As he put it, if you have an affair, you have lost all love and respect fo your partner and are willing to throw away what should be the most important part of your life. How can you 'work at it' and try again when that has happened.