surviving affairs

fannyanna

Kimberley - do you know why you did it?

And I mean really know why and not just because you fancied the guy. I'm married and REALLY fancy a guy at work but I know that all I can do is admire. If I were to cheat on my husband it wouldn't be because this other guy is fit (which he is lol) it would be the symptom of a problem with my relationship with Hubby.

What's made you start to doubt things will be ok? It's been a year which is quite a while so far. Has your Hubby started saying things or have you noticed him acting differently with you?

Sally42

I'm still in my marriage after infidelity, so technically speaking I guess you could say that I've survived. But am a lesser woman for it. I've been married for coming up for 13 years ~ towards the end of 2007, I found out that he'd been having an affair for 3 years. I had a breakdown, following which we decided it was worth trying to sort things out. We had counselling for six months, I thought we were slowly getting somewhere, then the 'other woman' contacted me to say that, despite all he'd said, he'd remained in contact with her and she'd given birth to his daughter the month before. (the little girl died soon after birth, or so she told me, but that's another tale....) I had another breakdown. Spent months in counselling, anti-depressants, etc....but his infidelities continue ~ another man for a year, then I found out when 15 weeks into a high risk pregnancy that he was arranging to meet his ex. sister-in-law for sex. That was a year ago. We're still together, I live on a day to day basis and try not to think about the inevitable, his next affair. Thus far, he has shown no inclination to want to leave me, and I've chosen to stay for my own reasons, but I know that one day, someone will come along that offers more than I do and he'll be off with ne'er a glance back at me and his two sons.
Hey ho....

gingin_2

My Dad had an affair with his secretary, they made it work and they are still married but it was definitely my brother and me who seemed to suffer more because of it. She was the one who was cheated on but the way she dealt with things afterwards meant I still don't think we have got over how it affected our lives afterwards,

gingin_2

Sally42 wrote: »

I'm still in my marriage after infidelity, so technically speaking I guess you could say that I've survived. But am a lesser woman for it. I've been married for coming up for 13 years ~ towards the end of 2007, I found out that he'd been having an affair for 3 years. I had a breakdown, following which we decided it was worth trying to sort things out. We had counselling for six months, I thought we were slowly getting somewhere, then the 'other woman' contacted me to say that, despite all he'd said, he'd remained in contact with her and she'd given birth to his daughter the month before. (the little girl died soon after birth, or so she told me, but that's another tale....) I had another breakdown. Spent months in counselling, anti-depressants, etc....but his infidelities continue ~ another man for a year, then I found out when 15 weeks into a high risk pregnancy that he was arranging to meet his ex. sister-in-law for sex. That was a year ago. We're still together, I live on a day to day basis and try not to think about the inevitable, his next affair. Thus far, he has shown no inclination to want to leave me, and I've chosen to stay for my own reasons, but I know that one day, someone will come along that offers more than I do and he'll be off with ne'er a glance back at me and his two sons.
Hey ho....

Gawd Sally, if I could give you a massive hug I would.

CH27

Sally42 wrote: »

I'm still in my marriage after infidelity, so technically speaking I guess you could say that I've survived. But am a lesser woman for it. I've been married for coming up for 13 years ~ towards the end of 2007, I found out that he'd been having an affair for 3 years. I had a breakdown, following which we decided it was worth trying to sort things out. We had counselling for six months, I thought we were slowly getting somewhere, then the 'other woman' contacted me to say that, despite all he'd said, he'd remained in contact with her and she'd given birth to his daughter the month before. (the little girl died soon after birth, or so she told me, but that's another tale....) I had another breakdown. Spent months in counselling, anti-depressants, etc....but his infidelities continue ~ another man for a year, then I found out when 15 weeks into a high risk pregnancy that he was arranging to meet his ex. sister-in-law for sex. That was a year ago. We're still together, I live on a day to day basis and try not to think about the inevitable, his next affair. Thus far, he has shown no inclination to want to leave me, and I've chosen to stay for my own reasons, but I know that one day, someone will come along that offers more than I do and he'll be off with ne'er a glance back at me and his two sons.
Hey ho....

I hope you find strength & peace.

Kimberley82

fannyanna wrote: »

Kimberley - do you know why you did it?

And I mean really know why and not just because you fancied the guy. I'm married and REALLY fancy a guy at work but I know that all I can do is admire. If I were to cheat on my husband it wouldn't be because this other guy is fit (which he is lol) it would be the symptom of a problem with my relationship with Hubby.

What's made you start to doubt things will be ok? It's been a year which is quite a while so far. Has your Hubby started saying things or have you noticed him acting differently with you?

I do yes, though my husband take responsibility with i hate as I am the one who did it not him.

clearingout

Kimberley - affairs don't generally happen when a relationship is working well (there are probably exceptions, those who can't keep it in their trousers no matter what lol!) so don't beat yourself up that your husband is prepared to accept some responsibility. The trick, I think, is recognising your part and him recognising his part and then working together to overcome those 'parts'. You may find that you can't, but at least you'll have tried and believe me, if it ultimately ends up in divorce, that you have got to that position together and understand where the other is coming from, things will be a lot easier for both of you. Please be careful not to tread on your husband's very fragile self esteem (as that is how it will be right now) and let him take ALL the responsibility 'cos he's desperate to save things. You don't want a doormat anymore than he should want to be one but I think when this kind of thing happens, having been on the other side, there is a time during which you will do literally anything to save things - it's a very vulnerable time for him.

I hope you can work things out between you and move forwards.

Sally - I can see you must have your reasons but are you really better off in this situation? If you ever want a listening ear, please PM me. I think many of us understand where you're coming from to a greater or lesser extent but it sounds dreadful. You do deserve better, I hope you know that. Take care of yourself xxxx

Hard_up,_not_happy

Sally42 wrote: »

I'm still in my marriage after infidelity, so technically speaking I guess you could say that I've survived. But am a lesser woman for it. I've been married for coming up for 13 years ~ towards the end of 2007, I found out that he'd been having an affair for 3 years. I had a breakdown, following which we decided it was worth trying to sort things out. We had counselling for six months, I thought we were slowly getting somewhere, then the 'other woman' contacted me to say that, despite all he'd said, he'd remained in contact with her and she'd given birth to his daughter the month before. (the little girl died soon after birth, or so she told me, but that's another tale....) I had another breakdown. Spent months in counselling, anti-depressants, etc....but his infidelities continue ~ another man for a year, then I found out when 15 weeks into a high risk pregnancy that he was arranging to meet his ex. sister-in-law for sex. That was a year ago. We're still together, I live on a day to day basis and try not to think about the inevitable, his next affair. Thus far, he has shown no inclination to want to leave me, and I've chosen to stay for my own reasons, but I know that one day, someone will come along that offers more than I do and he'll be off with ne'er a glance back at me and his two sons.
Hey ho....

I dont think I have ever heard of something quite so sad or horrendous. I respect you have chosen to stay for your own reasons, though I cant even begin to imagine what they would be. You must have incredible strength, I just could not do it.

MessyMare

Been on both sides of the coin in the same relationship. He strayed (only confessed to once but I suspect several more times) first...I thought I was neither good enough nor deserved anything better than him. My head turned by someone who was very loving and caring towards me, and so I strayed. Horrible, horrible time, and I am a better person for ending that relationship.

To be honest, I know I'm with the right man now because I have no cause or want to stray, no matter the opportunity.

1sttimer_2

clearingout wrote: »

Kimberley - affairs don't generally happen when a relationship is working well (there are probably exceptions, those who can't keep it in their trousers no matter what lol!) so don't beat yourself up that your husband is prepared to accept some responsibility. The trick, I think, is recognising your part and him recognising his part and then working together to overcome those 'parts'. You may find that you can't, but at least you'll have tried and believe me, if it ultimately ends up in divorce, that you have got to that position together and understand where the other is coming from, things will be a lot easier for both of you. Please be careful not to tread on your husband's very fragile self esteem (as that is how it will be right now) and let him take ALL the responsibility 'cos he's desperate to save things. You don't want a doormat anymore than he should want to be one but I think when this kind of thing happens, having been on the other side, there is a time during which you will do literally anything to save things - it's a very vulnerable time for him.

I hope you can work things out between you and move forwards.

Good post.

Having been on the receiving end of an 'affair' I can honestly say that you can survive. I've highlighted the above to say that we did not have any negatives in our marriage. My OH only strayed because he got a response to idle (but inuendo) chat. It didn't start out as anything other than friendly, but having someone respond in they way that the OW did, made him feel good about himself. Nothing changed in our relationship at all (and I mean nothing). I only found out about it because he stupidly kept his pm's saved in a folder on the computer desktop! So, of course, I wondered what it was and opened it ........

But we discussed things about how it happened and what to do next etc. and 5 years later on we are still together. I have my moments of panic and I know he still chats to others in a similar way, BUT, I also know that he will never leave me. Besides, I think (and hope) that I will know if it goes any further.

Perhaps I have been too easy on him as we never did counselling, nor did we ever tell anyone about it. So to all intents and purposes, we've had a happy 33 yr marriage.

So yes, it can survive, but you will need to be very positive in showing and telling your OH that HE is the one you love and want to be with - as many times and in any way that you can. He will then know that you mean to make it work out.

It has only been a year, and any 'anniversary' or situation that arises which brings it to his attention will bring it straight back to the fore, so be aware of those times and be extra loving.

Good luck and I hope your future will work out.