surviving affairs

1sttimer_2

Sally42 wrote: »

I'm still in my marriage after infidelity, so technically speaking I guess you could say that I've survived. But am a lesser woman for it. I've been married for coming up for 13 years ~ towards the end of 2007, I found out that he'd been having an affair for 3 years. I had a breakdown, following which we decided it was worth trying to sort things out. We had counselling for six months, I thought we were slowly getting somewhere, then the 'other woman' contacted me to say that, despite all he'd said, he'd remained in contact with her and she'd given birth to his daughter the month before. (the little girl died soon after birth, or so she told me, but that's another tale....) I had another breakdown. Spent months in counselling, anti-depressants, etc....but his infidelities continue ~ another man for a year, then I found out when 15 weeks into a high risk pregnancy that he was arranging to meet his ex. sister-in-law for sex. That was a year ago. We're still together, I live on a day to day basis and try not to think about the inevitable, his next affair. Thus far, he has shown no inclination to want to leave me, and I've chosen to stay for my own reasons, but I know that one day, someone will come along that offers more than I do and he'll be off with ne'er a glance back at me and his two sons.
Hey ho....

Sally, this is such a sad post. Even though my OH and I survived his affair, there would be no way I would be able to survive what you are going through. You may have your reasons for staying, but I hope that you are staying for the right ones.
You are so strong and deserve so much more than your OH (IMHO). (((((hugs)))))

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I threw my ex out after he had an affair and its REALLY made me untrustworthy. He had an affair with a work colleague - would tell me he was stuck out on a site or traffic was bad etc and he would be at hers instead. I found out, went metal, threw him out. We was due to get married 7 months after i found out - he had let me get my wedding dress etc knowing all the time he was seeing someone else. I'm not sure why he told me he was having an affair - i think she may of ended it and was threatening to tell me. was VERY tempted to whollop both of them but was well behaved. We tried to sort it out but I used to torture myself when we was together. If he kissed me I would wonder if thats how he kissed her, if he cuddled me, is that how they cuddled etc. Drove me insane. Worked out better in the end, Now with someone i've known for years and we're expecting a baby in December

I'll never try and forgive an affair again - I can honestly say OH know's i'd lob his bits off if he did lol

katerinasol

Yes. I had an affair. It was a stupid 'we were on a break' scenario and but it was my fault. It lasted for three months, then my boyfriend found out about it.

We spent weeks talking about it frankly and honestly, it was a horrible time for both of us but we managed to sort it out. One thing we managed to agree on was that it would never be brought up in arguments (you know the kind: 'You didn't do the washing up!' 'Well, you slept with another guy for three months!'). At first I made sure when I went out somewhere, I texted him several times a night keeping him updated on where I was and who I was with - we have a lot of mutual friends so he knew he could trust me not to lie about where I was. Eventually I eased off on this.

Must have been doing something right because he proposed to me a year ago and we're getting married next month!

The biggest piece of advice I can give is be prepared to talk about your problems and be prepared to listen. Whenever we are unhappy about an aspect of our relationship, we make sure we discuss it, without placing the blame on the other person. Again, using the cleaning analogy, it wouldn't be 'I hate the fact you never wash up', but 'Please could you make sure you wash up because when I come home from work I would really like to make dinner in the kitchen without having to wash up the whole day's dishes as well'. Waffling on a bit, but yeah, communication is very much key to the relationship, guys are crap at this but you know him much better than we do and how to get him to talk. And if you're buying a house together, then I would say he wants to move on from the affair and really start afresh with you. Good luck to you both!

VestanPance

I tried to save my marriage after my wife had an affair. We'd been together for 14 happy years and I was shattered to find out what happened.

For three years after it I tried to forgive and forget, and at times I was happy, but the trust had gone. She was no longer the person I'd met and fallen head over heels in love with. If anything trying to work through it broke me. I no longer fully trust anyone, having been betrayed by the person I thought would be least likely to do anything like that to me and that I trusted without question. Also getting the 'you're to blame too' stuff thrown at me just made me angry. If there are issues that you are unhappy with bring them up and talk about them. Not have an affair and them throw blame to mask the guilt.

I tried to get past what happened as I was still madly in love with her, she really did feel like my soul mate. In truth in killed me. If she went out with friends I was racked with fear over what was happening, feeling sick and all sorts racing through my mind. We split two years ago and even now I've not been out on a single date. How can you date when you've lost trust in people, when you are no longer the happy carefree gut you once were? I wouldn't force anyone to have to deal with me these days.

If someone betrays you cut your losses and run before it destroys your mental health.