surviving affairs

AmandaD28

In my experience also no sadly

My ex and I were together 7 and a half years and in that time had two children and were also married.

He had his first affair after DS1 was born and left us for another woman a neighbour who also happenned to be a close friend I thought we could get over it and I gave him my trust a second time after all of the promises and him telling me how much our family meant to him sadly I never really recovered and always feared he was looking for the next best thing he was and left when DS2 was 14months old and I had just begun university the second affair happenned through facebook after our parting it became clear that he had indeed cheated many more times and was not worthy of the trust I placed in him.

For me it left a feeling of never again I would't put up with it again and if OH cheated now I wouldn't be giving second chances I no longer believe in them.

Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear kimberley I really hope whatever you decide it all works out for you xxx

Kimberley82

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

What happens the next time they aren't home from work on the dot? When they have their mobile with them and they go to the bathroom (even if they don't actually take a call but it's in their pocket)? When he smiles to himself but doesn't give a convincing excuse for looking happy? When even though he hasn't put a step wrong, you have that stab of doubt, nagging away at you? When you make love and it is fantastic, is it because he learned something new from her? Is he thinking of her when you make love?


That's an awful lot to put aside.


And then he could be suspicious of you, think you are going to 'get him back' and become a control freak himself. You could find yourself biting back the words 'I'm not the one who had the affair!' if he is a bit snippy when you've been out with your friends and woken him up coming in late. If you've had a couple of drinks, you might not be able to bite it back. Cue another massive argument.


All these things have to be considered. After all, the woman didn't choose to betray you, he did. She owes you nothing, and he promised to forsake all others. So don't be fooled into thinking it is all her fault for stealing him away. At the very least, he allowed himself to be led by his d*** and just as likely, he did the pursuing.


I never trusted my ex afterwards, even though he continued to deny it and tie himself in knots over his lies that I wasn't listening to. He still denies it to any of his many conquests. He tells them how I broke his heart by chucking him out for his best friend. No I didn't. And the person I did get together with three months later was never his friend, he just knew him.


I couldn't and wouldn't forgive and forget, so I shut off completely. I went through the motions, just waiting for the one act that would spur me on to ending it. It's not a nice way to live.

If you can, you're a bigger person than me.

It is actually the other way round, I cheated on him

clearingout

No, it doesn't work. However, my ex wanted to come back without showing an ounce of remorse or even a bit of acknowledgement that he'd hurt me and our children. I tried but his interest soon waned and within weeks he was back with the girlfriend.

I believe the only possible way back is to understand what you're losing and to really not want to lose it. You need to be sorry, truly sorry and to be able to look the other person in the eyes and apologise. You then need some serious couples counselling to work on the relationship and possibly also counselling on your own. You also need to be prepared for the other person ultimately to decide that it's not worth the hassle.

My mobile phone tells me every day when I switch it on - you're worth more than this!

threemuttleys

Nope. I dont like cheats, and I dont like liars.

My Mother cheated on my Dad, and destroyed their relationship and our family (and ten years on, tis no better)

My OH has been told in no uncertain terms that if he cheated on me, DS and I would be gone. No ifs and no buts, no 2nd chances

Kimberley82

clearingout wrote: »

No, it doesn't work. However, my ex wanted to come back without showing an ounce of remorse or even a bit of acknowledgement that he'd hurt me and our children. I tried but his interest soon waned and within weeks he was back with the girlfriend.

I believe the only possible way back is to understand what you're losing and to really not want to lose it. You need to be sorry, truly sorry and to be able to look the other person in the eyes and apologise. You then need some serious couples counselling to work on the relationship and possibly also counselling on your own. You also need to be prepared for the other person ultimately to decide that it's not worth the hassle.

My mobile phone tells me every day when I switch it on - you're worth more than this!

I do now understand what I am loosing and am truly sorry and working hard at it.

LillythePink

I think it would depend on the circumstances.......what our life was like, was it a one night stand, was it an affair, how long it had gone on for etc etc etc

I could possibly forgive, but I would never forget and the trust would never be there 100% again, which I know that some people say that if the trust is gone then it wouldn't work.

Saying that, I have never trusted my OH 100% anyway - not because of any affairs, but because of his outlook on life and also.....he had a sexting thing with an ex which I found out about (a few times over the space of just over a year).

I am living for the moment and we are married, own a house and I have a child. I would love to say (with certainty) that we will grow old together but I can't, but he knows what he would lose if we split up because of him or his actions.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Kimberley82 wrote: »

It is actually the other way round, I cheated on him

So these could be things he is feeling. If he can put it aside, then he is doing more than most of us who have answered you could.

Kimberley82

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

So these could be things he is feeling. If he can put it aside, then he is doing more than most of us who have answered you could.

He is doing so far, its been a year so far.

mrs_bump

Hi Kimberely,

As an occasional poster (under a different username), I felt compelled to reply to your post. I too was the one in our marriage who had an affair, and it has now been over a year since my OH found out.
I am extremely lucky that I was given another chance, but this was only after I was thrown out, and we were on the verge of OH starting divorce proceedings, when he decided to reconcile.
I don't want to go into too many details on here, but it took, and still takes a lot of hard work, but it's been more than worth it. We had marriage counselling and I had individual counselling to try and deal with the issues that led to my affair. Our marriage is far happier now than it ever was, and we are now expecting our first baby.
I believe if both partners really want it, it is possible to "survive" an affair. I know this isn't the case for every situation, but just wanted to give you a positive outcome to this.

x

Kimberley82

mrs_bump wrote: »

Hi Kimberely,

As an occasional poster (under a different username), I felt compelled to reply to your post. I too was the one in our marriage who had an affair, and it has now been over a year since my OH found out.
I am extremely lucky that I was given another chance, but this was only after I was thrown out, and we were on the verge of OH starting divorce proceedings, when he decided to reconcile.
I don't want to go into too many details on here, but it took, and still takes a lot of hard work, but it's been more than worth it. We had marriage counselling and I had individual counselling to try and deal with the issues that led to my affair. Our marriage is far happier now than it ever was, and we are now expecting our first baby.
I believe if both partners really want it, it is possible to "survive" an affair. I know this isn't the case for every situation, but just wanted to give you a positive outcome to this.

x

thank you was nice to hear