How to get out of doing something?

j.e.j.

Rome? Crikey:eek: I remember when hen/stag nights involved having a few drinks at the local pub, LOL. Seriously, where on earth do people get the money from to go on these do's

It sounds like you might be the 'underdog' in this friendship, if that's the right word? She's putting pressure on you and you're finding it hard to be assertive with her. It sounds like you really don't want to go, so steel yourself, cancel it on FB and tell her thanks but no thankyou, I can't afford it ..

You never know maybe some of the others are also feeling under pressure and also don't really have the money to go.

j.e.j.

Bo_Nidle wrote: »

Just say you'd forgotten you were banned from Italy for life after you got involved in some crowd trouble in the Juventus v Milan game 13 years ago.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

webitha

am i reading the Op wrong i thought the wedding was in rome and the hen do was down south somewhere?

whatever... just explain the money situation and if she really is a close friend , she will be disappointed but she will understand

CH27

Errata wrote: »

So do I, but if people accept an invite without first finding out whether it's in Manhatton or Macclesfield - more fool them.

Yes.
I always say give me all the details & i'll check & get back to you asap.

barbiedoll

I must admit, I'm with CH27 on this one, these ridiculous hen/stag weekends are getting more and more outlandish and if you're a mum, I daresay you don't really want to be staggering around Rome (lovely though it is) with a load of drunken women, spending money that you can't afford.

When my friend got married, I had a two-month old baby, I was breastfeeding almost continuously, I hadn't slept in weeks and we were absolutely skint. She expected me to organise her hen night, in a restaurant in town (London) and to arrange for us to go clubbing afterwards and then stay in a hotel overnight. We live 20mins away from the West End by train! I ended up telling her that I couldn't face a night away from my baby, I couldn't afford it and I was very sorry but I hoped she had a good time. Her groom was my husband's best mate and he had to skip the stag night, which was restaurant, strip club (:eek:) and night away. They both got very annoyed and we ended up not going to the wedding. We only became friends again after they split up, 3 months later, when she was left alone and pregnant . I know it sounds awful, but we were so glad that we didn't waste the money.

Tell the bride NOW that you're sorry but you can't justify spending so much money on one weekend for you alone, you have 3 kids that want a holiday too and you can't afford both. I know the wedding is all about her but in real life, we can't all live like celebrities, sadly!

Pollycat

OP
I think you've made a rod for your own back here by agreeing to participate and organise this hen-do.

Presumably you made it clear to your friend that your reason for not going to the wedding was financial?

She got you to agree to the hen-do because it was in this country but then moved the goalposts (by a few thousand miles!) by choosing Rome.

The best time to 'get out of this' was to say 'no' as soon as she changed the plan.

If the plans for the hen-do are not too far advanced (e,g, flights/accommodation booked) I'd get in touch with her ASAP and say regrettably you can't go - again for financial reasons - and that you can't therefore continue with the organisation of the hen-do.

It might be totally against your personality to be assertive but I think that if you do want to get out of this, you're going have to stand up to her.

Like CH27 & barbiedoll, I really dislike this practice of weddings abroad.
I have no objection whatsoever in a couple deciding they'd like to tie the knot on a far-flung beach but can't see why they have to drag all their friends and family along, sometimes making said friends & family incurr costs they might not be able to afford.

If I want a holiday, it will be to somewhere I want to go - not where a friend or relative wants to have their wedding. :cool:

euronorris

make_me_wise wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt, but just say NO in a nice way . Your friend sounds and is behaving like a spoilt child, making other people go along with plans they cant afford. There is a recession on, people are struggling financially yet she expects everyone to pander to her every whim and keep saying 'yes dear'. I pity her husband to be, does he really know what he is signing up for marrying someone like that. If she wants important people at her wedding and hen do then it should be keep a bit more low key and take place in the UK. A friend would not put you in this position, she is being selfish and sounds manipulative.

I think that is a little unfair on her friend, as it doesn't seem as if the OP has ever said to her 'No, I'm sorry, I cannot afford to go to Rome for your hen do.'. If she had, then I'd agree with you, but I can't see anything in the OP to suggest this happened.

ETA: OP, when you cancel, why don't you suggest having a nice night out (either with other friends or just you two), closer to home as a separate mini hen do. Keep it local, and within your budget, and it should soften the blow of cancelling on her as she will (hopefully) recognise that you DO want to celebrate with her, but Rome is simply out of your price range.

sassyblue

make_me_wise wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt, but just say NO in a nice way . Your friend sounds and is behaving like a spoilt child, making other people go along with plans they cant afford. There is a recession on, people are struggling financially yet she expects everyone to pander to her every whim and keep saying 'yes dear'. I pity her husband to be, does he really know what he is signing up for marrying someone like that. If she wants important people at her wedding and hen do then it should be keep a bit more low key and take place in the UK. A friend would not put you in this position, she is being selfish and sounds manipulative.

Yes how dare she have the wedding of her dreams :rotfl: hardly the brides fault if she can afford it but her best friend's in debt.

OP, talk to your friend and be honest. Maybe you could still organise it for her as a gesture of goodwill even if you don't go yourself? But if you don't want anything to do with it fgs say so!

Barneysmom

Maybe it's not the brdie's fault but op can't just magic money out of thin air, especially with a family.
The cost of going abroad for a hen weekend would probably pay for Op's family to have a break together which os more important.
I'd have to tell my friend I'm sorry but I just can't justify spending that kind of money while I'm raising a family.
She'll be in the same boat one day.

Pollycat

euronorris wrote: »

I think that is a little unfair on her friend, as it doesn't seem as if the OP has ever said to her 'No, I'm sorry, I cannot afford to go to Rome for your hen do.'

I can sort-of agree with one thing that make me wise says here.

make_me_wise wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt, but just say NO in a nice way . Your friend sounds and is behaving like a spoilt
child, making other people go along with plans they cant afford. There is a recession on, people are struggling financially yet she expects everyone to pander to her every whim and keep saying 'yes dear'. I pity her husband to be, does he really know what he is signing up for marrying someone like that. If she wants important people at her wedding and hen do then it should be keep a bit more low key and take place in the UK. A friend would not put you in this position, she is being selfish and sounds manipulative.

I think the OP's friend may have been a little bit manipulative by saying that the hen-do would be 'a night down south' (very different to a 4 night stay in Rome) and then changing the arrangements once she'd got her friend sat down to a nice meal.

Weak1 wrote: »

would I at least agree to the hen night which would be a night down south somewhere. I agreed.

She arranged a nice meal for me and some other close friends to discuss hen arrangements and it turned out the new plan was Rome and I was to be 'chief hen' and do the arranging. I went along with it and paid my deposit as I felt under huge pressure.

sassyblue wrote: »

Yes how dare she have the wedding of her dreams :rotfl: hardly the brides fault if she can afford it but her best friend's in debt.

I don't see anything wrong with the bride having the wedding of her dreams as long as she can accept that not everybody she would like to be at that wedding can afford it and she tries to put pressure on friends to attend to achieve the wedding of her dreams.