How to get out of doing something?

Weak1

Hello
Using an AE as family members use the site.

My best friend since childhood is getting married abroad. We are early thirties. I have three kids with my partner of 12 years and just really didn't want to go, we have debts etc and I made my excuses. She said she was dissapointed, never imagined we'd not be at each others weddings etc and would I at least agree to the hen night which would be a night down south somewhere. I agreed.

She arranged a nice meal for me and some other close friends to discuss hen arrangements and it turned out the new plan was Rome and I was to be 'chief hen' and do the arranging. I went along with it and paid my deposit as I felt under huge pressure.

I've always been terrible at saying no to people and often find myself drgged into things that I don't really want to do. I've set up the events page on FBook etc and I'm still going along with it all but all I keep thinking is how can I get out of going?

The thought of my partner sleeping alone (for the first time in 12 yrs) and not being with my children for four nights makes me feel physically sick.
I know it's very weak of me but how do I get out of it?

pigpen

Grow a set and say no!

or lie and say you are ill..

Gillyx

The best way to do it is come out with it now, it will hurt more the longer it drags out and be more difficult to do.

I'd say with the money it will cost etc you can't afford it with 3 children and the current climate etc.

I would be prepared for her to be p'd off though, especially if you are best friends.

make_me_wise

Sorry to be blunt, but just say NO in a nice way . Your friend sounds and is behaving like a spoilt child, making other people go along with plans they cant afford. There is a recession on, people are struggling financially yet she expects everyone to pander to her every whim and keep saying 'yes dear'. I pity her husband to be, does he really know what he is signing up for marrying someone like that. If she wants important people at her wedding and hen do then it should be keep a bit more low key and take place in the UK. A friend would not put you in this position, she is being selfish and sounds manipulative.

Sambucus_Nigra

Cancel the event on faceache, and tell her you are sorry but you just can't afford it.

scooby088

Just tell her you've had a massive bill come and there is no way you can afford to go.

LittleMissAspie

Weak1 wrote: »

The thought of my partner sleeping alone (for the first time in 12 yrs) and not being with my children for four nights makes me feel physically sick.

I think that's a poor reason for not going to be honest. Your family will be fine and it's probably healthy to do the odd thing without them. Especially for your best friend since childhood.

But Rome sounds expensive and that is a good reason for not going. Even if she doesn't know you're in debt, she can't expect everyone to be able to afford a weekend away, and on top of a wedding abroad too!

Can you tell her you're really sorry but you don't have enough spare money to make it, you thought you did but you don't. Maybe you could offer to arrange a nice meal or whatever in the UK, for you and her?

floss2

Rome is VERY expensive, so you need to speak to her soon if you are dropping out.

Eton_Rifle

I think going on this short trip, surrounded by friends who care about you is actually the best way to break this high dependency mental situation you've fallen in to.
You can confide in your friend that you have these perfectly understandable issues and she will look after you and make sure you're ok. That's what friends do.

You'll come back from Rome with more confidence and who knows what you'll be able to tackle next!

pozalina

I do think it would've been better if you'd spoken up as soon as Rome was mentioned. If she knows you can't afford a wedding abroad why does she think you'd be able to afford a hen-do abroad for 4 nights?!

But it's too late, so I'd agree with pp's and say tell her asap that you can't afford it.

Hope it goes ok.

balletshoes

Eton_Rifle wrote: »

I think going on this short trip, surrounded by friends who care about you is actually the best way to break this high dependency mental situation you've fallen in to.
You can confide in your friend that you have these perfectly understandable issues and she will look after you and make sure you're ok. That's what friends do.

You'll come back from Rome with more confidence and who knows what you'll be able to tackle next!

but Rome for a whole weekend is really expensive - as a mum of only one, never mind 3, I just couldn't justify the expense of that, even for a best friends hen party.

OP if you really don't want to go, you have to tell your friend that now, straightaway. Its unfair on her to think you are going and will be organising things for her (as you said you would). And yes, you really need to grow a pair and stop agreeing to do things you know you don't want to do. Theres nothing wrong in saying No, I can't afford it, or No, its not really my thing, sorry.