How to get out of doing something?

The_Rizler

Hi Weak,
I swore I'd never go on another foreign hen weekend after spending £600 in a weekend and all I saw was the inside of numerous drinking establishments. From what you've said above you'll just resent the money spent because you didn't see any of the cultural aspects of Rome.

Don't go.

Errata

Just a couple of things. I think you need to improve your assertion skills, you'll be more confident and content and you may be surprised when you discover people like and respect you more.
T'other thing is - be very, very careful what you wear in public in Rome and ensure you don't either offend public morality or get picked up by the police who've mistaken you for tarts touting for business. The Spanish Steps are not crammed with underdressed hens in quite the same way as Newcastle on a Friday night.

Gigglepig

on a positive note, if it is too late to back out, but you are organising it, then it is a golden opportunity to plan a some cultural stuff the first day before everyone is drunk ;-)

Perhaps you can suggest another theme, too. Rome is a more "la dolce vita" than "tarts" ...

Plenty of free travel advice on tripadvisor for example. No point in going that far for just getting drunk. What about renting vespas and doing a tour (plenty of adrenaline!), dining outside, and by all means enjoy the cheesy tourist stuff like visiting the colosseum and taking photos with the "gladiators" outside, or sample ice creams at piazza navona.

shegirl

Can someone please point out where it states that the bride to be a is a spoilt monster who is pressurising people to do things they don't want?

No..you can't see it in the op either?Good,then stop saying she is and blaming her...Just because the op claims to have felt under pressure it does not actually mean that people have been forcing it upon her!!!It can also mean she,a the best friend,feels she has to purely because she's her best friend!!!

Op,if you didn't want to go then ou should have said no,you should also decide on the real reason you do not want to go (the fact that you are saying you don't want to go rather than can't go says to me it's to do with your family rather than money.

euronorris

Weak1 wrote: »

I seem to have a guilt complex. I'm the same at work, drinks after work I'll say yes then come up with an excuse.

I know you find it hard to say no to stuff, but trust me, saying yes to stuff and then cancelling frequently is more upsetting and annoying to other people than just saying no in the first place.

At least, it is for me. I've had several friends like you over the years and I get so frustrated because when they say yes to something, I get excited about the fact they'll be there, only for them to let me down. Whereas, if they say no from the start, there's no issue.

I would suggest letting them know that going out getting drunk etc is not you thing, so you won't be doing it. So long as you attend, and sometimes organise, other quieter nights for you all, there is no reason for you to feel you HAVE to attend something else which you will not enjoy.

Also, of course they do whatever they want to do. Why shouldn't they? So long as they also make time for you in other ways, I don't see why that should be an issue.

I still think you need to be honest and say that you're sorry, but you will not be coming to Rome. The idea of dressing up as tarts and doing nothing but getting drunk makes you very, very uncomfortable. But, you would, of course, love to do something locally with her to celebrate the upcoming wedding. Have a suggestion of something enjoyable ready too.

Oh, and even if they do start piling on pressure and ganging up on you a bit, stand your ground! If they do it too much, be firm and say that you appreciate that they are upset and why, but you are NOT comfortable with the Rome plans and will therefore not be going.

Pollycat

shegirl wrote: »

Can someone please point out where it states that the bride to be a is a spoilt monster who is pressurising people to do things they don't want?

Erm...maybe here:

Weak1 wrote: »

When i said I wasn't going to the wedding she was upset and crying and was like 'you'll come to the hen do , not let me down, it'll probably be london something like that'.

Euronorris and I had a discussion about whether the bride-to-be was manipulative, and after reading the OP's 2nd post, my opinion is that she got the OP to go to a meal to discuss the hen party which she said was to be in the UK and probably had every intention of changing the plans to Rome.

Weak1 wrote: »

I'd also be more inclined if what was being planned wasn't all so seedy. Nothing cultural is planned, just boozing and dressing up like tarts (thats not me being prudish the theme one night is 'tarts').

I can think of nothing worse than going to Rome for 4 days and parading the streets dressed in suggestive T-shirts and pink cowboy hats - but that's just me.

As I've said before I do think the OP has brought this on herself and she'll find it hard (given her acknowledged problem in saying 'no') to get out of this arrangement.

shegirl

Pollycat wrote: »

Erm...maybe here:



Euronorris and I had a discussion about whether the bride-to-be was manipulative, and after reading the OP's 2nd post, my opinion is that she got the OP to go to a meal to discuss the hen party which she said was to be in the UK and probably had every intention of changing the plans to Rome.




I can think of nothing worse than going to Rome for 4 days and parading the streets dressed in suggestive T-shirts and pink cowboy hats - but that's just me.

As I've said before I do think the OP has brought this on herself and she'll find it hard (given her acknowledged problem in saying 'no') to get out of this arrangement.

OMG the bride cried and was upset because her best friend wouldn't go to her wedding and hoped she wouldn't let her down over (an as yet,not planned) hen night :eek::eek: my my how manipulative and pressurizing she must be...can't be that she was actually upset can it !!!!!!

Pollycat

shegirl wrote: »

OMG the bride cried and was upset because her best friend wouldn't go to her wedding and hoped she wouldn't let her down over (an as yet,not planned) hen night :eek::eek: my my how manipulative and pressurizing she must be...can't be that she was actually upset can it !!!!!!

You asked where it said that the bride-to-be was pressurising the OP.

I didn't say the fact that the bride-to-be cried made the bride-to-be seem manipulative - but it does (at least to me) show that she was putting pressure on the OP.

I didn't say that the bride-to-be wasn't upset, I can quite see that she would be upset that a very good friend couldn't come to the wedding but it still was putting pressure on the OP to agree to attend the hen party, especially as she will know the OP's personality and her inability to say 'no'.

And as I've already said, it's my opinion (based on what the OP has written so far) that the plan all along was to go to Rome - so imho that's what makes the bride-to-be manipulative.

euronorris

From the friend's POV though, because the OP has habitually agreed to stuff and then cancelled in the past, she may be getting very upset and frustrated with this behaviour. If she doesn't know or understand the reasons behind it, she may be taking it personally and therefore felt that she needed to impress on the OP just how important this is to her.

That doesn't mean she is right to do it, but I can easily see how it would occur. I think there is far too much 'You should know how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking' going on between the OP and her friend and some very clear and honest communication is needed.

Weak1

Thank you again everyone.

Euronorris and Pollycat, I think actually that you are both right. It is annoying of me, I understand that, however I don't habitually cancel, I just go even though I don't want to. I do make excuses at work but even then I might just go for one drink to show my face, however I take your point. Regardless of what happens I'm going to look into assertiveness and practice saying no. Pollycat, I think there is definitely an element of manipulation, and I think you're quite close but I think its more likely that the plan was London UNTIL I finally said I wouldn't make the wedding, from then on it was Rome. Going to talk it over this weekend with my OH and see what I can come up with. At the moment I stand to lose £30 by next week it will be £60 and I simply can't afford to lose such amounts. Thanks again for giving this some thought for me and for being so understanding of my (wishy-washy!) personality!