How to get out of doing something?

euronorris

Pollycat wrote: »

I can sort-of agree with one thing that make me wise says here.

I think the OP's friend may have been a little bit manipulative by saying that the hen-do would be 'a night down south' (very different to a 4 night stay in Rome) and then changing the arrangements once she'd got her friend sat down to a nice meal.

I don't see anything wrong with the bride having the wedding of her dreams as long as she can accept that not everybody she would like to be at that wedding can afford it and she tries to put pressure on friends to attend to achieve the wedding of her dreams.

Just because the plans changed, it doesn't make her friend manipulative. The plans changed, as they often do, and we don't know the reason behind this. It may have been an attempt to manipulate the friend, or it could've been the result of pressure from other friends or family members. Or, she may simply have seen an advert for a weekend break in Rome and thought 'Oh wow, I'd love to go there, I wonder if I can do that for my hen do instead.'.

Also, I expect the break in Rome is cheaper than attending the wedding abroad, so she may think it was still a cheaper option for the OP (than attending the wedding) and that she might be able to afford it.

It is still down to the OP to make it clear that she cannot afford it. Her friend isn't a mind reader. If she then got angry at her for it, or tried to make her feel guilty about it, then I would agree. But we haven't been told whether that is or isn't the case. And given that the OP is too scared to say no in the first place, it is possible that a lot of the pressure she is feeling is not actually coming from the friend, but from herself. She expects there to be a bad reaction, when there may not be one at all, IYSWIM.

Pollycat

euronorris wrote: »

Just because the plans changed, it doesn't make her friend manipulative. The plans changed, as they often do, and we don't know the reason behind this. It may have been an attempt to manipulate the friend, or it could've been the result of pressure from other friends or family members. Or, she may simply have seen an advert for a weekend break in Rome and thought 'Oh wow, I'd love to go there, I wonder if I can do that for my hen do instead.'.

Also, I expect the break in Rome is cheaper than attending the wedding abroad, so she may think it was still a cheaper option for the OP (than attending the wedding) and that she might be able to afford it.

It is still down to the OP to make it clear that she cannot afford it. Her friend isn't a mind reader. If she then got angry at her for it, or tried to make her feel guilty about it, then I would agree. But we haven't been told whether that is or isn't the case. And given that the OP is too scared to say no in the first place, it is possible that a lot of the pressure she is feeling is not actually coming from the friend, but from herself. She expects there to be a bad reaction, when there may not be one at all, IYSWIM.

I agree that the OP's friend might not have been manipulative, euronorris, which is why I said 'may have been a liitle bit manipulative' rather than 'she has been...'.

Of course, until the OP clarifies the situation about exactly what happened during the meal out and the bride-to-be's reasoning behind changing from a night down South to 4 days in Rome and how much real pressure is coming from the bride-to-be and how much the OP is imagining, nobody really knows.

I think we all agree that the OP needs to toughen up and let her friend know what she's going to do - there's no magic wand we can wave to make this go away for her.

Despite having 32 replies, the OP hasn't posted since her first post so, so it's all conjecture anyway.

jetta_wales

For a start how on earth do you not realise that all the details you've given will make you fully identifiable to anybody else you know? This using a new name then posting all about yourself and the situation in detail makes the new user name thing completely pointless!

As for the problem you say no and apologise for not doing so earlier but she moved the goalposts drastically despite knowing money was an issue and just assumed you would still do it which was very unfair and inconsiderate of her.

Bare in mind that when you're there this assumption that you'll go along with everything and be as lavish as her will continue and will cost you a fortune on top of the cost of the trip. You don't sound like you're strong enough to not get dragged into buying drinks in rounds too and splitting food bills where the others order steak and wine and you can only afford a salad and so on and so forth.

You clearly can't afford the trip yet along the spending money so the fact is you can not go and land with family with more debt just because you couldn't stick up for yourself so you don't realistically have a choice at all, you can't go, end of.

On a separate note I couldn't enjoy anything that meant 4 nights away from my partner either, we're just not that sort of couple, we do everything together.

euronorris

I agree entirely Pollycat!

I wonder if the OP will come back at all. Probably not. Oh well. *shrugs*

BugglyB

Why not just go. You only live once

You have made a commitment to a friend and you ought to see it through. In my book if you say "She arranged a nice meal for me and some other close friends to discuss hen arrangements and it turned out the new plan was Rome and I was to be 'chief hen' and do the arranging" that was your chance to say you couldn't afford it/you dont want to go/you don't like leaving your partner. You're not taking responsibility for your own part in that conversation. It wasn't decided in your absence.

Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself!

Doozergirl

I can't fathom the foreign wedding and a foreign hen "holiday". 4 days?! What's wrong with a hen party in this country at least if you're expecting people to travel for the wedding? At least it makes part of the whole thing accessible for people that can't justify the cost. I don't understand how she expects anyone to afford it unless everyone else all minted. If my best friend were getting married and I was genuinely able to do one or the other, then it would be a no-brainer for me that it would be the wedding itself. But if I were the bride, I simply wouldn't expect people to come abroad with me twice.

I feel for you OP, I don't really enjoy nights out with a group of women. Someone always ends up crying, someone's too drunk and falling over etc. Doing it abroad for days just would not appeal to me at all and I really wouldn't want to leave my kids for four days to do something that wouldn't be as enjoyable as that time away with my husband or indeed with them. To pay handsomely for the privilege of a four day city break which we all know is expensive, I wouldn't see that as liberating or confidence building at all, it would be folly.

Why she thinks you can afford a foreign holiday with her when you can't afford a foreign holiday with her for the wedding, I don't know. I know brides want everything right, but there's a limit to what you can ask, or indeed expect, of people. In the same situation as you, I'd be pretty upset of just being put in that quandry. You worry about your whole friendship when your intention isn't to upset people, not to be selfish or be seen as not caring, but just you trying to get by and do what's right by your own family.

BugglyB

I am interested to know how the conversation in the resteraunt went. Did she come in and say, 'I've decided, we're going to rome, I wont have anything else, thats what I've picked' and you said, 'I can't really afford that, I don't want to go', and she said 'I dont care, we're going anyway, you're organising it'?

Or did she say 'I really want to go to Rome' and you said 'hmmm, ok' and she said 'brilliant, would you mind organising it' and you said 'errrr, alright'?

If its the former then why the hell are you friends with her? If its the latter then why didn't you say something, and why have you allowed her to get all excited and look forward to it if you dont really want to go?

BugglyB

By the ops admission they are terrible at saying no and 'getting dragged into things'.

I am thinking from the friends perspective it may be the case that she has no idea OP doesn't want to go. Its not as if OP was 'invited', she was there for the organising.

Crisp_£_note

Why can't you compromise? You can still make arrangements for others to go and enjoy themselves but just say you can't attend yourself! That way you are at least taking some part in the hen party. Just be straight with her and tell her you said you couldnt go to the wedding abroad so you still cant go to the hen night either and she should have realised this (so I would be questioning if she really is as good a mate as you thought as maybe she doesnt want you there at all but just wants to dump the arrangements onto you instead save her the trouble and grief if anything goes wrong then its not her fault). She has lied to you by telling you she was going to arrange something / somewhere cheap in the UK so why get so worried about telling the truth to her now she changed her mind so why cant you??

However you aproach it just keep saying you hope it wont damage your friendship if she understands and respects you it wont and maybe she is feeling the pressure to provide something more exciting than the uk but secretkly she cant afford the hen night abroad either on top of her wedding??

I simply didnt have a hen night and hubby didnt have a stag night either as we couldnt afford one so didnt expect others to, but thats just us.

Hope it gets sorted and no friendships ruined best of luck

Weak1

sorry for not posting sooner, I'm at work full time so have been reading but can't always post I also forgot my new password :S .

Thank you for all replies, I honestly know that I'm to blame for getting myself into positions like this and it's not the first time, however it IS usually with this particluar friend, whoever said I was the underdog had it right. she's not just a friend, we're related too (2nd cus) and my sister is part of our group of friends too but sides with cus/bfriend.

It happens over 'girls nights out' where I agree and I do go when really I don't want to. It's just not my scene. I also say no a lot too but once or twice a year feel i must make the effort for them. They go out together a few times a month (both have kids). I see them regularly if a meal in or out is planned as this is what I like to do.
When i said I wasn't going to the wedding she was upset and crying and was like 'you'll come to the hen do , not let me down, it'll probably be london something like that'. I should have said no at the meal but I feel like such the odd one out. It's like it makes no difference to them london/rome, one night or four...whatever, they just do whatever they want to do.

I'm not a complete wet lettuce, in alot of ways they look up to me and I know that they love me a lot. Its me they come to for help and advice.
Whoever also said that I put pressure on my self was correct. It was really hard for me to say no the wedding and it wasn't really that bad once I'd done it and was a huge relief. It was also hard for me to tell my partner I was going to rome but he was supportive. I seem to have a guilt complex. I'm the same at work, drinks after work I'll say yes then come up with an excuse.

I suppose in summary I am weak and worried of upsetting people, but also feel that cus knows it.

I'd also be more inclined if what was being planned wasn't all so seedy. Nothing cultural is planned, just boozing and dressing up like tarts (thats not me being prudish the theme one night is 'tarts').

Although we do have some debts they're not unmanageable and we're to recieve money next year to clear them all so I'm not too worried financially although I did lay this on thick to get out of the wedding. I've also just come back from holiday, have a festival planned with my partner and another family hol in July. Although this is really none of her business, its not like she's watching me scrimp.

My mind is still no clearer. I know that now I really would be letting her down big time having allowed it to get this far.
Thanks for being kind to me!