Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

MrsDrink

((((faith2009uk))))
Don't have any words of comfort unfortunately.

eleanor73

faith2009uk wrote: »

Hi everyone, I came across this forum recently and have only just plucked up the courage to post. You all sound so lovely though!

I was with an amazing man for 6 years (growing up really together) and as we were young when we got together, I never felt the need to be engaged at first. As the years went on we both started thinking about it and finally I had enough of waiting after 6 years and got upset and asked him why he hadn't proposed. Turned out he bought the ring that day and was planning it for the weekend. I was on cloud nine, however tragically he passed away in an accident the next day shortly after my 24th birthday.

It has been the hardest thing I went through and I never thought I would meet anyone again. However in time I met my oh and fell in love again. This is the problem...at 24 I really felt ready to get married and have children. I've been with my oh 2 years now and although he wants to get married (one day) I feel like a horrible person as I'm there already. I feel like my plans have been changed by no fault of my own and this upsets me. I wish we had 5 or 6 yrs to be together before getting married but I feel like times running out...I know I want to be with him forever and so can't see the harm in making the next step.

Really sorry or the long post...I just think life's too short. If we are happy and know we want to be together why not?

That must have been so hard. You say that he wants to get married one day. How do you know this? The reason I ask this is because it sounds like you have already had a conversation about it?
I'm quite fiercely passionate and can't keep my mouth shut for long so I probably would have said how I feel but that doesn't mean it's a good approach!

verandi

AllyS wrote: »

Things are very quiet here, I haven't mentioned anything and niether has he, I am pretty sure that he has no plans for valentines day, because his brother and nephew were due to come and stay, they have cancelled but I think the fact that they were going to come rules that day out. Oh well always the summer, I always thought that he would do a beach proposal, we live near the beach and I love going, but I do not go on cold days as I hate that biting wind you get off the sea. Brrrrr

I'd love to live by the sea! I've always lived in central places so it's always a 2 hour drive to the beach. The company I want to work for when I graduate are based on the coast and I am really hoping I get the job so we can move there! House prices are more expensive though of course

daisiegg wrote: »

G51shopaholic...glad you are happily unmarried...but not quite sure why you've posted that here?

I don't think G51shopaholic meant anything by her post, I think she was maybe just trying to say that it is possible to have a long and happy relationship without being married. Which is no doubt true and if it works for you then great But to me marriage is important. I could just about live without it but I think it would be something I'd always have a little regret about in my old age. But to some people it's not at all important

faith2009uk

eleanor73 wrote: »

That must have been so hard. You say that he wants to get married one day. How do you know this? The reason I ask this is because it sounds like you have already had a conversation about it?
I'm quite fiercely passionate and can't keep my mouth shut for long so I probably would have said how I feel but that doesn't mean it's a good approach!

Yeah it's come up in conversation a couple of times, usually started by me, but I always worry if I say too much he will run a mile!

He's an amazing loving person and I know deep down he will 'one day', it's just that's the part that frustrates me. I'm obviously ready and he seems so laid back about the whole thing it could be years. I think life's too short, however seem to always pick VERY laid back men

I suppose today's its just playing on my mind slightly more than usual

verandi

eleanor73 wrote: »

Yes I think you are right-everyone has tough times. I think I just admire some people being on here who know 100% that they will stay with their partner even if he doesn't propose where I just can't say that and it makes me worry that maybe I don't love him as much as others love their bf. But I think I do it's just a dealbreaker for me.

You are dead lucky to have a friend in the same boat-I don't. I know my mates have some really tough times in relationships but they are either in early stages or married with kids. My friends all know how I feel though and I can talk to them about it. It's no secret I'm afraid!!:o

Hi eleanor, I'm really sorry to hear that things were at a real low for you the other day. I had a lot of times like that with my ex-partner and although that was a completely different situation I can totally empathise with how draining and scary those moments can be. It sounds like some good has come from it though, after your talk. I think all relationships have their moments, what matters is that you are both willing and able to compromise and see things from the others perspective, which it sounds like you are both trying to do.

I am one of those who would stay with my partner even if he didn't propose, but I would never judge anybody else who felt differently. And I definitely don't believe that you must love your boyfriend any less. It's just such a personal thing and no two people will ever feel exactly the same way about it, it doesn't make my stance any more right than yours. All that matters is what's right for you. And if you would end up resenting your OH then that can never be healthy or good for either of you. Please don't be too hard on yourself x

I don't have any real life friends that I can really talk to about this either, except maybe after a few drinks but then it would never be taken seriously. My two good female friends are both quite a bit younger than me and neither are the type to have a serious heart to heart about anything. I think that's probably why I'm obsessed with checking this thread a million times a day from my phone! :rotfl:

AllyS

eleanor73 wrote: »

You guys are dead nice-I'm so glad I found this thread!! :beer:

I know its fantastic - I love it here

faith2009uk wrote: »

Hi everyone, I came across this forum recently and have only just plucked up the courage to post. You all sound so lovely though!

I was with an amazing man for 6 years (growing up really together) and as we were young when we got together, I never felt the need to be engaged at first. As the years went on we both started thinking about it and finally I had enough of waiting after 6 years and got upset and asked him why he hadn't proposed. Turned out he bought the ring that day and was planning it for the weekend. I was on cloud nine, however tragically he passed away in an accident the next day shortly after my 24th birthday.

It has been the hardest thing I went through and I never thought I would meet anyone again. However in time I met my oh and fell in love again. This is the problem...at 24 I really felt ready to get married and have children. I've been with my oh 2 years now and although he wants to get married (one day) I feel like a horrible person as I'm there already. I feel like my plans have been changed by no fault of my own and this upsets me. I wish we had 5 or 6 yrs to be together before getting married but I feel like times running out...I know I want to be with him forever and so can't see the harm in making the next step. ?

I am so so sorry about what happened. Hopefully time has healed some of the pain.

You are always going to be more ready than your partner, but I think he is going a little too slow for you and we all know exactly how that feels!! :rotfl:

Can I ask how old you are? Not that it makes any difference just being nosey

verandi wrote: »

I'd love to live by the sea! I've always lived in central places so it's always a 2 hour drive to the beach. The company I want to work for when I graduate are based on the coast and I am really hoping I get the job so we can move there! House prices are more expensive though of course

/QUOTE]

I love living here, moved down to be with OH but also cause I always wanted to live by the sea. Houses are cheaper here, but then I used to live in a commuter belt for London, so house prices were stupidly expensive!!

jtr2803

Welcome along Faith, I too am very sorry to hear what you have been through, it sounds like you have come a long way since then and it's lovely to hear you have fallen in love again . Most of us can identify with the feelings of 'why not?' but I can honestly say that men just do not see it like that at all, don't take it as a personal reflection, they just are not wired up the same way we are. Also, because you have been in a position where you realised marriage was something you really wanted it probably means your mind is more focussed on what you want. I don't want to say that two years isn't a long time to want to be engaged because for a lot of people it is long enough but that varies hugely between couples, without wanting to dig too deep, do you also think that your past experience is meaning that you want it in case it never happens?

Well the snow put paid to all my plans for this weekend, my pool dive today got called off then Zumba got cancelled and I think I have a bit of cabin fever and a really sore throat to boot :mad:. OH and I were talking about him getting a laptop earlier and he told me about half hour ago that he just bought one that was on Ebay?! I know he is probably thinking he will sell bits of the other two PCs we have (he's a PC builder) but I just keep seeing a 'proposal' slipping away, I seriously hope I am wrong!

eleanor73

jtr2803 wrote: »

OH and I were talking about him getting a laptop earlier and he told me about half hour ago that he just bought one that was on Ebay?! I know he is probably thinking he will sell bits of the other two PCs we have (he's a PC builder) but I just keep seeing a 'proposal' slipping away, I seriously hope I am wrong!

I would feel the same and probably have a sulk but my instinct is that it is probably unrelated?? Or am I just being overly optimistic (which I always am when it is about other relationships!!)
Do you have totally seperate money cos if you don't then he prob should have mentioned it though!

I've had a weird weekend. He was away and I don't think it fell at the right time for me when we had such a difficult weekend last weekend. There was nothing he could do as it had been booked for ages but I almost feel like it could go either way. He could have missed me loads and it will make him realise what he has got or he could be fine and might start doubting things. I think I am being a bit paranoid again. I wish I was a boy sometimes. They analyse nothing-well mine doesn't anyway! He is probably asleep with a pizza on his lap where I'm a bag of nerves!!

Faith - maybve there's a way to sound him out without scaring him? How old is he?

verandi

AllyS wrote: »

I love living here, moved down to be with OH but also cause I always wanted to live by the sea. Houses are cheaper here, but then I used to live in a commuter belt for London, so house prices were stupidly expensive!!

We would be moving from up north to literally the south coast, so prices are a lot higher even before taking the coastal location into consideration. Also, it's not too far out of London commuter-land and is a prime holiday-let location. Arghhh! :rotfl:

faith2009uk wrote: »

Hi everyone, I came across this forum recently and have only just plucked up the courage to post. You all sound so lovely though!

I was with an amazing man for 6 years (growing up really together) and as we were young when we got together, I never felt the need to be engaged at first. As the years went on we both started thinking about it and finally I had enough of waiting after 6 years and got upset and asked him why he hadn't proposed. Turned out he bought the ring that day and was planning it for the weekend. I was on cloud nine, however tragically he passed away in an accident the next day shortly after my 24th birthday.

It has been the hardest thing I went through and I never thought I would meet anyone again. However in time I met my oh and fell in love again. This is the problem...at 24 I really felt ready to get married and have children. I've been with my oh 2 years now and although he wants to get married (one day) I feel like a horrible person as I'm there already. I feel like my plans have been changed by no fault of my own and this upsets me. I wish we had 5 or 6 yrs to be together before getting married but I feel like times running out...I know I want to be with him forever and so can't see the harm in making the next step.

Really sorry or the long post...I just think life's too short. If we are happy and know we want to be together why not?

Hi faith, welcome to the thread. Your post really touched me. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed to get through such a terrible time. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

As others have asked, out of interest, how old are you now and how old is your partner? Are you his first serious relationship or has he been in one previously aswell? What is that makes you feel that time is running out, is it the wish to start a family? Sorry if all those questions sound nosey! :A It's just that things like his age and whether he's new to this kind of relationship might all be things that come into whether or not marriage is likely to even be on his radar yet, if that makes sense.

Nothing much has happened with me. My exams went poo and my job interview went ok but there are just so many candidates for so few places. Playing the waiting game now until I hear the results but it's driving me mental, can't stop checking my email even though I know it will probably be next week at least before I hear

There were some on topic developments recently which I won't go into too much detail on cos it's a lonnnnng story. But basically found out that OH was thinking about proposing to me over a year ago(!!!) to the point where he sent for a sample ring from a website. But then he says he decided he wanted to save up for a better one, which he hasn't managed to do yet as we're both students, and then wasn't sure whether to save towards a ring or for a deposit on a house. I now DESPERATELY want to tell him that I want to pay half towards a ring, plus there is a few hundred pounds in our joint Betfair account (we did a tiny bit of matched betting last year) that he could use for it (it's our profits, and is half mine and half his). But I daren't mention it. It's as though the whole conversation never happened now (it was a couple of weeks ago or so) and I don't think it's something I can just bring up out of nowhere. Plus I'm worried that deep down it might not be just the money that's stopping him, maybe he's just not ready yet. If I remove the money barrier he might feel rushed into it

lil_miss_insanity

verandi wrote: »

But basically found out that OH was thinking about proposing to me over a year ago(!!!) to the point where he sent for a sample ring from a website. But then he says he decided he wanted to save up for a better one, which he hasn't managed to do yet as we're both students, and then wasn't sure whether to save towards a ring or for a deposit on a house. I now DESPERATELY want to tell him that I want to pay half towards a ring, plus there is a few hundred pounds in our joint Betfair account (we did a tiny bit of matched betting last year) that he could use for it (it's our profits, and is half mine and half his). But I daren't mention it. It's as though the whole conversation never happened now (it was a couple of weeks ago or so) and I don't think it's something I can just bring up out of nowhere. Plus I'm worried that deep down it might not be just the money that's stopping him, maybe he's just not ready yet. If I remove the money barrier he might feel rushed into it

I sometimes worry that my OH thinks he would have to have the money to buy a "nice" ring first. He nearly skinted himself buying me a diamond necklace on our first Christmas. :eek:

I don't know if it worked, but I've tried hinting that I really don't like expensive jewellery - that I'd always rather have sparkles that didn't cost the earth, so I wouldn't be terrified of losing/breaking it/getting it nicked. Hopefully he knows that now. A haribo ring would do me just fine! :rotfl: