Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

mazy_m

Hey all haven't posted since the start of this thread in which I said he'd never propose...since then we've had a few heart to hearts and I brought up the idea of getting married a few times and we discussed it I said I wanted a marriage as opposed to a wedding!! The idea of a big wedding petrifys me...he said he wanted a big party thing so all our friends and family could celebrate with us!!!

This was kinda discussed as he was a best man to our friends for their wedding in October....so it brought all the wedding talk out....The bride and groom had concoted a plan about the boquet that she was to throw it at me....however that went a little wrong as like I said i'm not into "weddings" and the traditions so me and the bridesmaids were chilling upstairs in the room before the evening craziness started and freshening up a bit it had been a looooonnng day!! That said wow the bride was angry with me for not being there she pretty much ignored me and gave me daggers the rest of the evening until she realised I was the only one willing to help her go the loo etc...bridesmaids were nowhere to be seen (typical of them all day!!) So she forgave me lol!!

Anyhoo going into too much detail there we chatted about all this etc and he said he thought he did want to get married etc....so I was trying to make him believe it was all good for him to propose ( i'd told him when we first met and for years I wasn't so sure about getting married as it wasn't something that was on my radar of life etc!!) So assumed he had never proposed as he thought he would get turned down!

So I kept saying things like our wedding could be like this.....or check this one out on Groupon it's like £2500 we could pretty much just throw it on the 0% credit card it ( I know NOT very MoneySaving!!)...it's in 2012 we could get it out the way... The ones on groupon weren't my ideal wedding ( I literally wanted as few people as possible and a backgarden type wedding !!) But thought he wanted a fair few people and it's all pretty much included why not!!

So he was going along with it saying yes lets look into it next year when we're better off financially! So I kept saying well you have to propose soon and kept hinting that going away to a cottage as we were for NYE was very romantic and proposals on Christmas in front of my fam were romantic or going to midnight mass I'm not religious but do like midnight mass!!

So christmas came and went no proposal.....but my childhood bestfriend proposed to his GF I was a little upset but hey ho though NYE would be better for us or when we were in Manchester or N Wales seeing his family and friends....this came and also went with no proposal....while we were away in North Wales I was really upset and asked why he hadn't proposed...he said I thought you were hinting at it but I'm not sure I want to marry you!! those were his EXACT words...when I obviously got upset at those words he said I didn't mean it like that I meant it as in i'm not sure I want to get married ...over the next couple of days we had a heart to heart and he said he wasn't comfortable with who he was that he wasn't even sure who he was so could think about the future until he knew this...he then spoke of the bad marriage his mum and dad had and explained that that's how he saw marriage and he and his sister didn't see the positive things that can come with it...I was mad that he had gone along with everything we'd talked about over the last few months and felt like a bit of a mug!! I didn't even want to get married that much I think that's what I was most annoyed at I would have just preferred him to be honset....

Anyhoo about a week ago he came in from work and was like guess what my sisters boyfriend proposed to her!! they're getting married...

I was shocked I couldn't even look at him so I asked him to clean the bathroom.... inside I felt so hurt but so bad that I couldn't bring myself to ring his sister and say congratulations etc!! And I kept thinking well even if you did propose to me this year now I'd say no....out of spite!!!

So anyway to bring it up to date I told myself off for being a !!!!! and spoke to his sister and they're doing a humanist ceremony in his dads back garden this year!! ouch!!!

I don't know how to feel about this I'm kinda devastated and I don't know why!! I'm so angry at him now that he didn't propose and feel like he's ruined it now!!

Sorry for the length but had to vent!! : (

Maz

AllyS

Hey all

Can't get to a computer at the mo, but just want to say we have talked a bit today and to say a big big thank you to you all for your support and especially your understanding xx

daisiegg

Oh mazy that's rubbish Hearing him say he didn't know if he wanted to get married much have been so hard! sending hugs x I suppose you need to think about how important marriage is to you, and if you're happy with your relationship even if marriage isn't on the cards.

mazy_m

Hey daisiegg thanks so much!!


It's not that important at all...I'm just upset that he basically was going along with it all then dropped that on me.....especially all the things about his mum, dad and the fact he and his sister both didn't like the idea of marriage and it wasn't surprising...that's why when he said she agreed to marry her boyfriend (I know time doesn't matter but they've been together less time than us!!) I just felt really upset.

I think in honesty i'm feeling a little lost as we've been going out five years and he doesn't take any control and I think I wanted him to propose to show that he was willing to take control for once and that's why i'm finding it so hard.... My friends and family that are close to my age have for the last few years all had babies, brought houses or got married and for ages it didn't bother me but now i'm feeling a bit left out!! mwah Maz xx

jtr2803

Whats up with the men causing all this upset all of a sudden?! Do they all have PMT?! Sorry to hear Maz, I hate that being left out feeling, then I gate feeling like that because I feel like a child .

My OH sounds a lot like yours, I call mine a 'floater' and that's not in reference to a floating turd (although sometimes it could be!) but I mean he just meanders through each day, no long term goals or ambition, just pretty happy living day to day, so frustrating at times!

squ1rrel5

Ally, I can totally see where you are coming from. Sounds like you are in much same position as me, in regards to being married before. I was with my ex for years and thought that when we got married, that was would be for life and I never would have entered into it if I thought different... But after only 7 months of marriage, he left me for someone else (a very close friend), It pretty much led me to have a nervous breakdown as it was such a shock and became quite a traumatic time for me.

Some people wonder why the hell I would want to get married again after the whole experience...but it just hasnt put me off.
I dont let bad experiences in the past shape what my future can become - I also have faith that not everyone is the same and that there are genuine people out there who want the same thing as me. I hope that this time round I have found that person and I trust him enough to want to marry him.

If he didnt feel ready to marry me I'd be gutted but I would hope that there'd be some give and take. In some way (through gritted teeth, obviously) I'd be willing to give up getting married rather than throw away a chance of happiness with that special person but at the same time, surely he should be thinking the same thing? If you are his special person, surely he shouldnt just dismiss marriage because HE doesnt want it, he needs to understand exactly what it means to you.
He really needs to discuss this sensibly with you and not just take it off the table completely, thats not fair!! :huh:

Mazy, sorry about your situation - I think id be feeling the same after he told you about his sister hating marriage like him and then she goes and gets engaged!! Perhaps this might give him the kick up his !!!!! that he needs to realise that marriage is whatever YOU make it, not whatever your parents/friends have dictated in the past... my OH's parents arent together and had quite a traumatic break up but it hasnt put him off (well lets wait and see if I get that proposal first, I may live to regret that statement, lol!) and as I said earlier, I had an awful experience with my ex husband but I dont believe that whatever he did or I felt at the time, will affect any future marriage I enter into. Although I have had quite a few years to become a much more rational person since that all happened!!! :cool2:

JTR - that itinerary sounds amazing.... just need to get it all booked!!!!

I'm currently doing a tribal romance dance around my laptop which will send vibes out to your (and everyone elses) OH to propose PROPERLY..... :dance:

Valentines Day is almost upon us....I know it's a bit cheesy but I'm betting on at least one Valentines Day proposal this year....

squ1rrel5

jtr2803 wrote: »

My OH sounds a lot like yours, I call mine a 'floater' and that's not in reference to a floating turd (although sometimes it could be!) but I mean he just meanders through each day, no long term goals or ambition, just pretty happy living day to day, so frustrating at times!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

jtr2803

Oh yeah, I made a large faux-pas at work today , I was trying to find details of registry offices in the town next to us and 5 seconds after clicking on their website my internet security detected a major Trojan and it started hiding all my files, MAJOR PANIC!!! I had to call our IT guy and he was asking me what site I was on so I just made some quip about a local council, dohhhhhhh :rotfl:

verandi

jtr2803 wrote: »

My OH sounds a lot like yours, I call mine a 'floater' and that's not in reference to a floating turd (although sometimes it could be!) but I mean he just meanders through each day, no long term goals or ambition, just pretty happy living day to day, so frustrating at times!

Just having a sneak peak from my phone and that just made me do a massive actual LOL. Brilliant :rotfl: :beer:

daisiegg

Ohhh last night I was looking on antique jewellery websites and I found THE perfect engagement ring (I know, I know, I shouldn't have been looking...) and it is just beautiful and gorgeous and perfect but very different to everything I've ever pointed out to OH in jewellery shop windows so now I am thinking that even if he does propose I will feel secretly a tiny bit disappointed because it won't be THIS ring and and and and and...

I AM INSANE. That is all.