Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

minerva_windsong

eleanor73 wrote: »

I think that's the one I've had my eye on that venue for ages!!!!!! Is it Maidenhead way??

It is indeed!

eleanor73

AllyS wrote: »

You are being hard on yourself Eleanor you don't sound harsh or anything else to me. I have 2 kids but I would feel the same if I was you. I think you are very sensible and realise what you want or otherwise you may look back and have regrets. This is why I have backed off a bit about demanding we are married before we have kids, I don't want him to feel that he has run out of time, some days I already find it difficult, because it would be better if he was with someone 5 years younger and then they could take their time.

I understand completely how you feel, stupid biological clocks! x

I know-If I was 25 I'd be happy to wait another 4 years or something!!!! All my friends agree with you and said I am being sensible and brave by being so honest with him at the risk of scaring him off. I suppose the real bravery will be if and when I actually do have to walk away (well i'd make him walk away as the landlady is my best mate so he'd have to move out!) God forbid.


Minerva Windsong-I am having that venue if I get married and if it looks as good as the website. Which one of 'Don't tell the Bride' was it on??

jtr2803

Sorry I have been absent for a bit, our internet has gone down at home and work this week has been crazy

Eleanor, I don't think you are psychotic by any means, How you describe feeling (the resentment bit) is EXACTLY how I was feeling just after Xmas and that's what prompted my conversation with him on New Years eve. He has admitted that he just seriously never even thought about it, he knew he wanted to at some point but he never though beyond our daily life together, even after I'd had serious conversations with him :eek:. I really struggle with that because if I knew my OH was upset about something and that I knew I could put it right...I would unless I had a really good reason why I couldn't. I do think he is telling the truth and what it boils down to is that he just doesn't 'get it', he doesn't have the same feelings about it as I do and he has never once thought about when he might do it, he's just assumed it would somehow happen at some point.....oh to be a man eh?

I'm still waiting, I still think it will be while we are away so I have a while to wait yet. I have started trying to look into costs though, it could be that next March is too soon so I have to be realistic! Desperate to start looking at things tho

verandi

Wow, I have so many pages of this to catch up on! OH is out so I can finally come on here from my laptop instead of my phone, although I have an exam tomorrow that I've hardly done any revision for so it will have to be quick(ish)

First and foremost, a massive congratulations to everyone who has got engaged over Christmas and new year... caz2003uk, Jacqu79, butterfly2001, and most of all (as WFAP member number 1!) jtr! Sorry if I have missed anyone out, there are so many posts and I can't remember where I had last got up to exactly.

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Aggggghhhhhh :eek: I'm going to be the only one left on this thread soon!!!!! :rotfl:

Don't worry, I will still be here come the next millennium so we can keep each other company

jtr2803 wrote: »

I'm counting down the days until Zumba starts up again at the moment, I really enjoy it and normally do 3 classes a week but they all stopped mid December and I know I am starting to put weight on :eek:

Ok a bit off topic, but how the hell do you do Zumba?! We bought the DVDs and tried the basic intro one a couple of weeks ago and couldn't do ANY of the moves! I'm not massively unfit and I'm not overweight, but I must be horrendously uncoordinated cos neither me nor OH could do any of it :rotfl:

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

..... Had only got round the corner from our house when I tried to manoevre round a tree that had falled down from last weeks high winds when I slipped and fell on some wet grass and smashed face first into the said tree! Just about had enough consciousness to phone OH, who whizzed around the corner in his car and whisked me off to A&E like a knight in shining armour!!

So I now have a hugely swollen nose - the hospital dont know if its broken yet, they cant tell until the swelling goes down properly, have to go back in a few days!! I think its probably okay to be honest but it doesnt look pretty I can tell you!!.....

Squirrel, I hope you're recovered now! That sounds like a nasty accident, glad your OH made himself useful hehe.

Chick wrote: »

Not posted on here a while, I see there has been positive activity- congratulations to those newly engaged!

I for one am feeling terrible, and there's no one to blame but me...I really think all this talk of weddings & biological clock are sending me a bit over the edge! I was saying before xmas that I was convinced my brother was going to get engaged then...they did engaged, but it was just after new year in the end.

I am of course so happy for them, it was very much on the cards. However, I'm feeling totally empty inside after having a serious conversation with the OH tonight...we have spent almost no time together since before xmas due to our jobs and crazy working hours so there has been no 'quality time' to chill out together.

I wanted to broach the conversation about getting married this wk end when we'd have some chilled out time together...however we ended up having that talk tonight, both of us knackered after a full on week. I really was hoping we could talk about timescales etc in terms of getting married/engaged etc. He says he wants to & all that but definitely not this year or next year...I understand that this is sensible cos we've still got debts to pay off and job-wise we both need to focus on the careers.

However, when I explained my worries about leaving it too late for kids etc he was reassuring but essentially he can't see how I can even think about kids at the moment as it's 'not the right time'. The thing that got to me most was that he was convinced all this wedding chat was due to my brother's recent engagement, stop making comparisons etc. I'm frustrated as I had planned to have this conversation this wk end anyway. I'm !!!!ed off he's thinking it's all fuelled by what other people are doing.

I'm sat here on the sofa crying while I type this, OH is asleep, I am wide awake with huge thoughts rushing around my head...does he really want to ever marry me or is it a convenient stall to say "oooh def not for another 2 years". I know the more you talk about it, the less likely it is to happen...but for the first time ever I'm now having serious doubts about my OH's intentions.
I've made it clear to him that for me getting married is important and also trying for kids before I'm 35 (am nearly 34)...OH is 3 and a bit years younger.

It's late, I know, I've had a long rubbish week...I've had a small glass of wine but I am sat here feeling crytal clear & wide awake. I don't want to drive a wedge between us with this being a massive issue (it's starting to get to be one) but for me, alarm bells are starting to ring.

I've got a little voice inside that is questioning everything now...I don't want to end up pushing him away but I can't go on without some sort of resolution- as it stands he wants to wait til at least the end of next year before even considering marriage/kids. I am not happy with this, he knows this...is this a like it or lump it situation?! I think I know what the answer is...

Sorry to have rambled on, taking myself to bed now :-)

Chick, my heart really goes out to you reading this post. So much of what you say struck a cord with me. I can't even imagine how gutted you must have felt when he said not this year but to say not next year either... I know how disappointed I would be. Especially with you wanting to start a family within the next year. I am very much the same, I am 30 now and wanted to have children by now. Now I am thinking I would like to have my first at 31, but that leaves no time at all for a wedding and considering I am not even engaged yet... I have been doing a lot of questioning and have had a lot of sleepless nights myself lately, so I really do share your pain and your worry, although I know it's probably not much consolation for you to know that you're not alone.

verandi

AllyS wrote: »

......I will happily have more kids (being a Mum is the only thing I think I am any good at some days!), but I am very old fashioned and so are my family so I keep toying with the thought of having to against my morals and having a child out of wedlock - I am so sorry I need to laugh at myself for being so old fashioned!! Anyway my point is, is this an option for you guys? Realistically you still have another 6 or 7 years to have a baby, but you do have a lot longer to get married.....

Ooh I am the same. I am really traditional and I want to be married before I have kids, but lately I suppose now I'm 30 feelings of desperation have started to set in on the baby front and I find myself questioning whether or not I could do it the other way round. All pointless of course unless OH was on board, and whenever I think of it I think no cos he's too young for it (he's only 22), but doesn't stop me going through thousands of what ifs in my head on a daily basis.

AllyS wrote: »

My OH is really naughty at this, he has stopped now because I finally lost my temper one day (takes a lot) and went mental. He kept on talking about us getting married and at one stage even got me to say my first name with his surname over and over again and then when he showed me the ring! Then he told me that I was putting too much pressure on :mad: I told him that he was manipulating me and playing with my emotions and that he was censored words. He apologised and said he didn't realise how upsetting I found it!! Men are so insensitive at times, my OH played a classic this week, which I wont repeat on here, but he knows he is in big trouble still

Wow, yes I can see why you were angry when he said that YOU were the one putting too much pressure on! I really want to know what he did to get him in big trouble lol :rotfl:

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Lol this thread name should be changed to "waiting for a marriage...." that's my whole mentality exactly!

Yes it would be lovely to get one out of the blue and I do actually think that he would like to be the one to ask (hes never been married before so probably a much bigger thing to him than it is to me).

But I dont think he ever actually thinks about it - I'm sure he knows that he wants to marry me and he probably has had a couple of moment when hes thought 'yes i'll marry Squirrels one day... but thats probably about as far as it has ever gone.
Hes not anguishing every day about what to say or where to say it and all the planning afterwards... I think thats what annoys me more! I think about marriage EVERY day and look forward to being a proper family... he just thinks about food, sex, work, cars, tv and stuff like that and then one day he'll just decide to ask and then I'll say yes and he'll have totally avoided all those years of waiting like us!!!!!!
Its so easy being a man!!! :rotfl:

I do love this thread - thanks everyone for writing all your honest posts - its nice to know that we can all be quite open with each other on here without being judged - and its so interesting to hear other peoples stories about their relationships! God, I'm soooo nosy!!!! :rotfl:

That's exactly how I feel, I want to be married. And not just that. I want to be married to him. I want to be his wife and him be my husband, and the person that I have sworn in front of everyone important to me that I am going to spend the rest of my life loving and caring for and sharing my life with. I don't care about a big proposal, I don't care if we can't afford a massive posh wedding, I don't care if he can't afford to buy me a massive diamond ring (I would be happy with a second hand one, or a stone cheaper than diamonds, or I'd even pay half myself out of my savings, heck I actually want to do that, I'll be the one wearing it afterall!).

And yes I do love this thread too. I think if I hadn't read all of the posts from other people feeling the same way as me I would have felt like a complete and utter freak with all those feelings eating away at me. And maybe some people would read it and think we are, but I don't care. How wrong can it be to want to commit to the one we love.

verandi

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Sadly, this just isn't so. At 35/6 the quality of womens remaining eggs can (and generally do) start to deteriorate. And if you want more than one child..well I have two friends who are struggling to fall for their second at 40 and one who had to have IVF at 38 for her 1st (so started trying at 36).

Chick, I feel for you, as time/age is a huge factor here and your OH doesn't seem to realise:(. Having debts is an excuse to put off a big wedding but not marriage: it need only cost a few hundred and £2k will get you a nice little do.

This is exactly why I'm so worried, you're absolutely right. I used to be a midwife and saw so many women in that situation. It frightens me to death that I might leave it too late it's my biggest fear in life, not being able to have children. Especially as I know I want more than one but also know how hard it would be to have two a year or less apart. I don't think men ever quite get it, not just my OH. I'm yet to meet a man who understands why age makes me worry so much about it.

jtr2803 wrote: »

Yup exactly! I thought about posting on the Bridezilla confessions thread but I think it's more appropriate to post it here...

Err what, how dare you think of leaving us for another thread! :rotfl:

eleanor73 wrote: »

It's so nice seeing people in the same situation. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and he knows how I feel - I want to get married and have kids. I have always been quite successful in what I do but my main ambition in life is to be a Mum. Now he only moved out of his Mum's at 29 (we are both 31) and he is still very young in his ways. He loves me and I adore him-that is obvious to both of us and everyone else who knows us. March 2011 we had 'the talk'. I made him sit down and he thought he as getting dumped! I said that I love him but I want to get married and have children and if he doesn't see that happening in the near future (or at least starting to happen) I will have to leave and find someone who does want that. His words were that he doesn't have marriage and kids at the top of his list of things to do but that's not because he doesn't want it but because he hadn't thought about it lots. He said that he would get married ten times and have ten children to guarantee that I am here when he gets home every day and that I am the most important thing in his life and if that's what I want then that is what will happen. I felt quite positive. In April/May 2011 he asked what rings I liked and we had a funny, petty row about how much one should spend on a ring. It all felt quite positive and I gave myself a little hopeful deadline that I would be engaged by new yr. Well I'm not and we don't talk about getting married and it all just feels so far away again. He told my friend whilst drunk that he will propose in April 2012. Now I suppose that is positive but why is he waiting? & why did he let me look at rings a whole year before he was planning it!? The whole world and his wife (!) is having kids or getting married and I am so frustrated.

Eleanor, I can see why you would be fed up with that situation. It must be really hard to have a big talk about it and then months later it's as though nothing happened. Wish I had some advice for you. I guess at least you have April as a kind of test of whether he was genuine or not.

verandi

findingmyownway wrote: »

For a little light relief... at least none of them men in this thread are likely to be buying a 'pack' of 12 engagement rings!!

http://www.littlewoods.com/engagement-rings/694433085.prd?aff=awin&affsrc=47868&cm_mmc=awin-_-47868-_-Communities+%26+UGC-_-0_0&awc=3089_1326125941_a4f2ddce424128daf7caf88dc03ff1d0

Oh my god, that's hilarious. Why on earth... I just can't imagine why? :rotfl:

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Is it bad that I tried on a potential wedding dress today!! :eek:
I was out shopping and I saw the most lovely dress - it was like a creamy/pinky colour, quite chiffony and in a vintage style that I really like (have tried to find a link but cant) - it was only £25.00!!
PS. It was in H&M not a wedding dress shop in case you're all getting a bit worried about my sanity!! :rotfl:

I thought if it looked really nice on, I'd buy it and then hide it at the back of the wardrobe until the needs arised (if the need didnt arise, i could have warn it for the Christmas party, lol!).
As it turned out it didnt look great on, which I was gutted about as I just loved it when I saw it - least I know what sort of thing I am looking for when the time comes!!!

Squirrel I think I may own the dress you tried on! Or at least very similar. I bought it just before new year and wore it as part of a new year fancy dress outfit. (Just realised how that sounds... it is a nice dress and it wasn't a comedy outfit don't worry! Lol :rotfl:).

Is it this by any chance....

verandi

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

My OH has noticed my frustrations lately and in bed last night had a little chat with me....
He told me that he will ask me soon :j:j - he just wasnt sure how to do it.
I told him it didnt matter where, I just needed to be asked (first time I've ever actually said that to him!) and he said it was good that he now knew that. He said that he doesnt just want to ask in a way that's not that special but I told him it doesnt need to be over the top, so I think he'll plan a nice meal or a day out or something.... He also asked whether he should buy a ring pr whether or not we should choose together and I said well, the question is more important but I would like to wear a ring once we're engaged. He said I could send him some pictures of some rings that I liked so he had an idea of what to get.... !!! :j:j

---

I'm just browsing rings now (although I already have one saved in my favourites folder - sad - in case this moment ever came!!) :rotfl:

Oooh squirrel that's really exciting! You must have been really happy to get that out in the open. I still have a ring saved in my bookmarks but it's a man's ring. It's an idea of what type I was going to get for OH back when I was thinking of proposing to him

eleanor73 wrote: »

I'm 31. I want 2 kids and know nothing about my fertility so can't hang around. If I wait for him for years and miss out on kids I will resent him. I sound psychologically unsound when I read these posts back sometimes!!

As if it was written by myself.... Apart from the part about resenting him. I wouldn't resent my OH as it's not his fault that he's only 22. I knew when we got together that it might mean I was in more of a rush than him but told myself then that I wasn't going to pressure or rush him as a result. I made the choice to be with him regardless, and the consequences are of my own making not his. But I can understand why it's different for you and can imagine I may feel much the same if my OH was the same age as me and still nowhere near thinking about those things.

AllyS wrote: »

...This is why I have backed off a bit about demanding we are married before we have kids, I don't want him to feel that he has run out of time, some days I already find it difficult, because it would be better if he was with someone 5 years younger and then they could take their time.

I understand completely how you feel, stupid biological clocks! x

I tell myself every time I'm feeling down about stuff that my OH would be better off with someone his own age and that I am going to take away the best years of his life. He doesn't agree of course but it doesn't stop me thinking it.

verandi

Phew, I think I am finally caught up. Now I really have to get on with some revision, otherwise OH will be cross that I've done no work when he gets home AND I'll fail my exam tomorrow and won't get a 2:1

Finally, just wanted to say a massive thank you to everybody who posted asking how I was after my middle of the night post the other day. I was feeling so low and confused about everything, not just this issue. Still feeling a bit up and down and still not sleeping well, but I'm getting there. Thank you everyone for caring x

eleanor73

jtr2803 wrote: »

He has admitted that he just seriously never even thought about it, he knew he wanted to at some point but he never though beyond our daily life together, even after I'd had serious conversations with him :eek:. I really struggle with that because if I knew my OH was upset about something and that I knew I could put it right...I would unless I had a really good reason why I couldn't. I do think he is telling the truth and what it boils down to is that he just doesn't 'get it', he doesn't have the same feelings about it as I do and he has never once thought about when he might do it, he's just assumed it would somehow happen at some point.....oh to be a man eh?

This is 100% how I feel-well articulated!!!