Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

daisiegg

Hi all

Do you mind if I join your thread? I crept over to the weddings board even though I KNOW I shouldn't be torturing myself..and was so excited to see a thread filled with people who seem to feel the same way as me! (even though loads of you have apparently got engaged since the thread started...congratulations!)

I have been with OH for two and a half years. We moved in together about four months after meeting, and we bought a house together last September (2011). I know two and a half years doesn't sound like a long time - but I was very much on the verge of being engaged to my childhood sweetheart when I was 21 (before it fell apart!) so I really had always planned on being married young. Also, although I'm 24 so have a good few fertile years left in me, OH is 39 and I really don't want him being ancient when we have our children!

OH and I started mentioning marriage and babies fairly early on in our relationship. I remember discussing it once when we'd been together around 10 months, and I think he brought it up, and I remember him saying he thought a year and a half to two years of being together was a good time to get engaged. That got me very excited!

There have been numerous occasions when there has been a ring box shaped gift...once it even was a ring (but not an engagement ring ) but usually it's been earrings and even, once, one of those tiny ipods! lol. Damn apple for putting them in a box the exact shape and size of a ring box! My mother is driving me insane; every time we go away anywhere, or go for a nice meal, or spend the night in London, afterwards she says "Oh I really thought he might have done it that time". My family are very traditional Catholic and they simply can't understand how we could have bought a house together but not be getting married.

In fact, OH himself has said that he considers buying a house together (and it's a huge, huge mortgage) as big a commitment as getting married, because it's such a financial commitment. We both talk about the future as though it is guaranteed that we will get married and have children, and we have talked about it fairly openly before. In fact, on NYE he brought it up - I think because we were spending NYE at The Savoy in London and it was all very romantic and fancy, he probably wanted to establish at the start of the night that there was not going to be a proposal so I didn't spend the night excited and then get disappointed he said that he has been thinking about it a lot recently and he will definitely do it in the next 6 - 9 months. His words were "it could be next week or it could be November - I am not going to be more specific than that!"

I know that's a good thing and I should be excited but in a way it has made me even more frustrated. If he has decided he is going to do it - why not just do it?! I have explained so many times that I don't need any big gestures, don't care how much the ring costs, don't need a big wedding. Heck, if he asked me to pop down the registry office tomorrow in my jeans and do it - I would, because I just want to be his wife. I look out for signs of him seeming to cut back or try to save money (if he's saving for a ring or a wedding) but there's none of that - in fact he just offered to pay his sister's mortgage while she is on maternity leave as she will be a single mum and will struggle (see...he is so caring with such a big heart, this is why I want to marry him, even if he's spending my bl*ody engagement ring money on his sister's bl*ody mortgage lol!)

I also worry because he has been in a very long relationship before - 10 years together and they had a daughter - and he didn't marry her. I know logically the reasons (they got pregnant completely accidentally when he was very young and they hadn't been together long - he stayed with the woman for as long as he could because of his daughter but the relationship was never really meant to be) but it still makes me worry that marriage isn't as important to him as it is to me.

Also, I know it sounds silly, but he is SO busy - he works in London in the city and he works 12 hour + days every single weekday - train to work at 6am, on the train home by 7.30pm if we're lucky and in the door by 8.30pm, in bed by 10pm so we can get up at 5.30am for the train...just enough time to have dinner and a shower in between. He visits his daughter two weekends a month (she lives about 400 miles away so he has to stay in a hotel each time...she will be 16 this year though so hopefully the weekends will become slightly less frequent) and literally has no time to himself. I don't know when he'd buy a ring, or plan anything, or even actually think about the whole thing!

He has been saying a couple of things about Valentine's day recently like "maybe I'll plan something special" but actually I know it can't mean anything...firstly because he has an incredibly busy week that week and secondly because it's half term so his daughter will be staying with us...I wish he wouldn't say things that give me glimmers of hope!

We live in quite a well-off, traditional area and all the neighbours think we are married - we got Christmas cards addressed to 'Mr and Mrs' and every time I bump into a neighbour they ask after 'your hubby' - I can't bear to set them straight because I so want it to be true! I was admitted to hospital recently and OH was there with me, and it felt bizarre to say 'single' when they asked for my marital status and to put my mother down as legal next of kin. We are on each other's life insurance and death in service policies, I'm on his medical insurance, etc, we have a joint mortgage and jointly own a house in both our names - we practically ARE married already so why can't he just propose?! We were at a big family party at Christmas and I can't count the number of people who asked me "so when are you getting married?!" My cousin who is the same age as me just got engaged despite the fact that he and his girlfriend just got back from travelling, have no jobs and live with his parents - we are in SUCH a better position to get married than them and it just makes me green with envy!

I realise I am starting to sound slightly crazy but hoping this is a place where you might understand?! I just feel like this year is going to be really tough waiting on tenterhooks for it to happen. There is always something to put it on hold, it seems - 2011 we were buying a house, fine, so that took priority. But what's wrong with NOW? then he comes home saying they've all been told at work that the bonus pool is down a lot this year, so if he was relying on using some of his bonus for the ring etc maybe it will be delayed even more........

Ok. Please forgive the crazy, and congratulations again to those who have recently got engaged! You give me hope...

squ1rrel5

verandi wrote: »

Squirrel I think I may own the dress you tried on! Or at least very similar. I bought it just before new year and wore it as part of a new year fancy dress outfit. (Just realised how that sounds... it is a nice dress and it wasn't a comedy outfit don't worry! Lol :rotfl:).

Fancy dress outfit lol :rotfl:Didnt think my taste was that odd!!! Haha!
I dont think that is the exact dress but its quite similar - the bottom of your dress seems a bit more floaty and it didnt have a zip on the back - I saw another amazing dress on Pinterest the other day but it was just a pic that had been uploaded with no link....I am keeping my eye out!!

daisiegg

Brighton_belle wrote: »

It's horrible when the bad days sneaks up and bite you:(. It is very hard to explain...and i wonder if your friends is single/partnered/married.
I can only answer for myself and why I said I wanted marriage when faced with similar comments,rather than livng together.For me, the positive connotations of marriage were hardwired in to my dna so it is always something I wanted once I met my OH, I couldn't just 'not feel like that' any more than I could become someone else. It's about being valued and cherished enough by each other to make that public statement. It's about the protections of being next of kin rather than his mum and dad. It's about the firm foundations of a declared shared future and knowing for sure he wants it and is committed to that too rather than having to avoid the topic like sinking sand.
It's about being able to call him my husband rather than boyfriend and finding the word 'partner' (for us not for others) completely meaningless.
The extra layer of trust and love the committment of marriage has now brought to an already good relationship has proved I was right to desire marriage, dispite facing some similar comments jtr. And yes, like you, I was grateful for what we already had but we shouldn't need to apologise for wanting what the human race has been doing for aeons - the need to make a formal committment to our relationship in front of witnsses and the laws of the day.
The reasons for wanting marriage for me were all rather intangible and yet as solid as concrete at the same time.

This is a brilliant post and totally sums up how I feel - particularly the next of kin thing and the word 'partner' (I HATE it!)

Thank you

squ1rrel5

Welcome daisieegg! Sorry not had chance to read much of your post above ( on my phone) but will catch up when my laptop is charged tomorrow!

AllyS

verandi wrote: »

Phew, I think I am finally caught up. Now I really have to get on with some revision, otherwise OH will be cross that I've done no work when he gets home AND I'll fail my exam tomorrow and won't get a 2:1

Finally, just wanted to say a massive thank you to everybody who posted asking how I was after my middle of the night post the other day. I was feeling so low and confused about everything, not just this issue. Still feeling a bit up and down and still not sleeping well, but I'm getting there. Thank you everyone for caring x

Good luck with the exam tomorrow, let us know how you get on x

eleanor73 wrote: »

This is 100% how I feel-well articulated!!!

and me...................

daisiegg wrote: »

Hi all


I realise I am starting to sound slightly crazy but hoping this is a place where you might understand?! I just feel like this year is going to be really tough waiting on tenterhooks for it to happen. There is always something to put it on hold, it seems - 2011 we were buying a house, fine, so that took priority. But what's wrong with NOW? then he comes home saying they've all been told at work that the bonus pool is down a lot this year, so if he was relying on using some of his bonus for the ring etc maybe it will be delayed even more........

Ok. Please forgive the crazy, and congratulations again to those who have recently got engaged! You give me hope...

Ah you have found your new home, we are all crazy in the same way here :rotfl:Welcome, feel free to vent, moan, laugh any time you want

squ1rrel5

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend - hope your exam went well Verandi?

I was feeling quite down the last couple of days - I've mentioned before that despite us both wanting to be married before we have kids, we have been trying for a baby for a while 'just in case'.
We are both in our 30's and dont want to leave it too late. Thing is, I'm having a few problems and have been to see a doctor as I think there's a few problems with my fertility and will probably have to be referred to a specialist. I've always been realistic that these things can happen and will just wait to see what they tell me but when my initial test results came back and I told OH I was really worried what he would say. I know he wants children so much so I sometimes think that if it turns out I cant have babies he might never propose and leave me for someone who can! I know that's quite irrational and knowing my OH there is no way he would do that but still, some times my brain just works in strange ways.
He has reassured me that would NEVER happen and he will support me whatever happens so feeling quite positive about a bad situation!!
Perhaps now he knows there potentially could be a problem it might make him want the wedding sooner, so we have the maximum time trying that we possibly can!!

We slso have got OH's mum staying with us this weekend and he told me last night, that while I was in work she was asking him if we were thinking of getting married and saying that if he needed any money for the wedding fund she's be happy to help out! He didnt tell me what he said to her but hopefully this conversation will have sped things up a bit!!!

We all went into town to have lunch today and while we were there, whenever we walked past a jeweller he asked me if I liked it. He actually let me stop outside my favourite jewellers and look at some rings in the window too. It's a lovely antique jewellers and although I absolutely adore the jewellery in there, theres no way I'd let him by anything from there as there's usually nothing in the window cheaper than about £1500!! Unless there's a bargain basement section in the back somewhere!!
Normally we speed up past these shops though - so it's all looking good.

minerva_windsong

*waves hello to Daisiegg*

I'm really trying to not get my hopes at the moment because the OH is talking about going to Malta at the end of April - somewhere I've mentioned I'd really like to go - and has suggested that we book into a really nice-sounding hotel with a private beach, nice restaurants etc. I can't help wondering why, when normally we're more the youth hostel type, he'd be looking at somewhere that fancy if he wasn't going to pop the question - but at the moment I'm trying to focus on thinking he just wants us to have a nice holiday together and not worrying about anything else...

eleanor73 wrote: »

Minerva Windsong-I am having that venue if I get married and if it looks as good as the website. Which one of 'Don't tell the Bride' was it on??

Kara and Alex's wedding in the last series - the quite 'alternative' bride and the skater groom who was still quite childish and where she was having to look after his money and stuff. I basically wanted their whole wedding (apart from the mechanical bull and having the dress she picked at Candy Anthony rather than the one he picked, as I'm way too short for long dresses!) - it's the sort of outdoorsy, chilled-out, laid-back thing that my OH and I have talked about when we do get married.

There's a clip of it on YouTube as well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejCEK1H74Wo&feature=youtu.be

verandi

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Fancy dress outfit lol :rotfl:Didnt think my taste was that odd!!! Haha!
I dont think that is the exact dress but its quite similar - the bottom of your dress seems a bit more floaty and it didnt have a zip on the back - I saw another amazing dress on Pinterest the other day but it was just a pic that had been uploaded with no link....I am keeping my eye out!!

Haha hope I didn't offend you! :rotfl: I just used it as a base to put the fancy dress bits over to protect my modesty, I actually really like the dress it was quite a nice shape on.

AllyS wrote: »

Good luck with the exam tomorrow, let us know how you get on x

Thanks for the good wishes. The exam went alright. Should still be on for a 2:1 at any rate Got another next week and two more AND a job interview the week after *cry*.

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend - hope your exam went well Verandi?

I was feeling quite down the last couple of days - I've mentioned before that despite us both wanting to be married before we have kids, we have been trying for a baby for a while 'just in case'.
We are both in our 30's and dont want to leave it too late. Thing is, I'm having a few problems and have been to see a doctor as I think there's a few problems with my fertility and will probably have to be referred to a specialist. I've always been realistic that these things can happen and will just wait to see what they tell me but when my initial test results came back and I told OH I was really worried what he would say. I know he wants children so much so I sometimes think that if it turns out I cant have babies he might never propose and leave me for someone who can! I know that's quite irrational and knowing my OH there is no way he would do that but still, some times my brain just works in strange ways.
He has reassured me that would NEVER happen and he will support me whatever happens so feeling quite positive about a bad situation!!
Perhaps now he knows there potentially could be a problem it might make him want the wedding sooner, so we have the maximum time trying that we possibly can!!

We slso have got OH's mum staying with us this weekend and he told me last night, that while I was in work she was asking him if we were thinking of getting married and saying that if he needed any money for the wedding fund she's be happy to help out! He didnt tell me what he said to her but hopefully this conversation will have sped things up a bit!!!

We all went into town to have lunch today and while we were there, whenever we walked past a jeweller he asked me if I liked it. He actually let me stop outside my favourite jewellers and look at some rings in the window too. It's a lovely antique jewellers and although I absolutely adore the jewellery in there, theres no way I'd let him by anything from there as there's usually nothing in the window cheaper than about £1500!! Unless there's a bargain basement section in the back somewhere!!
Normally we speed up past these shops though - so it's all looking good.

Squirrel I'm really sorry to hear that you feel that there are problems with you trying for a baby. Are there any other things that make you think there might be a problem, or is it just that nothing's happened yet?
That sounds like a really good sign though about your OH looking in the jewellers! I love antique rings too :j

It sounds like there's hope for you too minerva!

And welcome daisiegg! I think much of what you've said rings a bell with all of us.

marleyboy

Not sure if this has been mentioned on the thread (too many pages to check), but as 2012 is a Leap Year, the Woman gets the chance to propose to the Man.

daisiegg

minerva_windsong wrote: »

*waves hello to Daisiegg*

I'm really trying to not get my hopes at the moment because the OH is talking about going to Malta at the end of April - somewhere I've mentioned I'd really like to go - and has suggested that we book into a really nice-sounding hotel with a private beach, nice restaurants etc. I can't help wondering why, when normally we're more the youth hostel type, he'd be looking at somewhere that fancy if he wasn't going to pop the question - but at the moment I'm trying to focus on thinking he just wants us to have a nice holiday together and not worrying about anything else...

I know exactly what you mean - OH keeps talking about 'arranging something special' for us to do on Valentine's day, but won't say anything more about it....it's out of the ordinary for him because while we often do lovely, special, romantic things, it's never a surprise or mysterious. We've been some really fancy places and done some really nice things but he has never surprised me with anything before.

But then I keep thinking, like you - don't get hopes up, maybe he just wants to surprise me with something nice!

Your holiday sounds amazing though, ring or no ring