Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

squ1rrel5

verandi wrote: »

Squirrel I'm really sorry to hear that you feel that there are problems with you trying for a baby. Are there any other things that make you think there might be a problem, or is it just that nothing's happened yet?

Thanks Verandi, yeah unfortunately dont think my body is working as well as it should be so need to look for answers, there's a possibility that I have a disorder that would make it quite difficult to get pg, not impossible, just harder than normal... so will need to get tests done...not getting too upset at this stage, long way to go yet! Just glad I have support of OH otherwise I'd probably go crazy!!

Daisieegg, Malta is lovely - fingers crossed that something happens for you there!!
Malta is one place that I would l have liked on my list of places to get married, but as I am divorced I think it would be difficult as I think divorce is still illegal there so I'd probably be frowned upon!! :rotfl:

daisiegg

Thanks but it's minerva_windsong who's going to Malta not me booo!

squ1rrel5

Oops sorry Daisieegg! Trying to read too fast to catch up!!

AllyS

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

It's a lovely antique jewellers and although I absolutely adore the jewellery in there, theres no way I'd let him by anything from there as there's usually nothing in the window cheaper than about £1500!! Unless there's a bargain basement section in the back somewhere!!
Normally we speed up past these shops though - so it's all looking good.

Eeeek how exciting

minerva_windsong wrote: »

*waves hello to Daisiegg*

I'm really trying to not get my hopes at the moment because the OH is talking about going to Malta at the end of April - somewhere I've mentioned I'd really like to go - and has suggested that we book into a really nice-sounding hotel with a private beach, nice restaurants etc. I can't help wondering why, when normally we're more the youth hostel type, he'd be looking at somewhere that fancy if he wasn't going to pop the question - but at the moment I'm trying to focus on thinking he just wants us to have a nice holiday together and not worrying about anything else...

Malta is a beautiful place whatever happens. You will have an amazing time expecially more so in accomodation that you are describing

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Thanks Verandi, yeah unfortunately dont think my body is working as well as it should be so need to look for answers, there's a possibility that I have a disorder that would make it quite difficult to get pg, not impossible, just harder than normal... so will need to get tests done...not getting too upset at this stage, long way to go yet! Just glad I have support of OH otherwise I'd probably go crazy!!

Oh no I am sorry Squirrel, my Mum got told she wouldn't have babies, she could get preggers but then miscarried, 7 pregnancies (maybe more they only counted pregnancies from 3 months back in those days) and 3 of us survived, so never ever give up hope, no matter what the doctors say xx

Chatted to OH this morning and he said that he sees no point in getting married He was sweet about it and said that he sees his future with me and only me and that he doesn't see how getting married will change that. He said that my self esteem is the issue and if I was more confident I wouldn't want to marry either. He just doesn't see the point in marriage when we have a future regardless. I replied and said I hate just being his 'girlfriend' and it seems childlike and I hate referring to him as my boyfriend and would even prefer that it was fiance, he replied that it was my issue. :mad: I am starting to think that I should give up, it really is never going to happen no matter what my wishes are!! He did ask me if I was going to break up with him to find someone that would get married and I said that, 1 I am not looking for any old husband, I want to marry him, because I love him and I said that if I was 34 and never been married and kids, then yes maybe I would look for someone else, but I have done all that. Is it me? Am I looking for security from marriage? I know that marriage is not set in stone, my last husband broke up with me, but I have made no secret about the fact, that I loved being married, enjoyed every second until I found Ex DH was cheating on me Oh man!! maybe I need to see a shrink :rotfl:

I hope one of you guys understand!!

Brighton_belle

Totally get it AllyS. There is of course the whole, next of kin, financial security thing?
If marriage is so pointless, what would it harm him to get married as it means so much to you? If it is so pointless and it makes no difference, then he won't mine indulging you then will he, the person he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with...

I never think it is fair to use the 'it's your lack of confidence/self esteem ' argument:mad: it's mean and smacks of manipulating an arguement in an underhand way to me. The warm loving desire to be married to the man you love, to call him your husband instead of boyfriend is not a sign of low self esteem. You could just as easily counter argue he has an enormous fear of commitment and of leaving childhood behind and his low self esteem cripples his ability to be confident in choosing the happiness and responsibilities of marriage. Equal nonsence of course...or is it...?
I now feel very cross on your behalf:mad: Which, seeing as you are an internet stranger, probably makes me a bit bonkers:o

jtr2803

daisiegg wrote: »

Hi all

Do you mind if I join your thread? I crept over to the weddings board even though I KNOW I shouldn't be torturing myself..and was so excited to see a thread filled with people who seem to feel the same way as me! (even though loads of you have apparently got engaged since the thread started...congratulations!)

I have been with OH for two and a half years. We moved in together about four months after meeting, and we bought a house together last September (2011). I know two and a half years doesn't sound like a long time - but I was very much on the verge of being engaged to my childhood sweetheart when I was 21 (before it fell apart!) so I really had always planned on being married young. Also, although I'm 24 so have a good few fertile years left in me, OH is 39 and I really don't want him being ancient when we have our children!

OH and I started mentioning marriage and babies fairly early on in our relationship. I remember discussing it once when we'd been together around 10 months, and I think he brought it up, and I remember him saying he thought a year and a half to two years of being together was a good time to get engaged. That got me very excited!

There have been numerous occasions when there has been a ring box shaped gift...once it even was a ring (but not an engagement ring ) but usually it's been earrings and even, once, one of those tiny ipods! lol. Damn apple for putting them in a box the exact shape and size of a ring box! My mother is driving me insane; every time we go away anywhere, or go for a nice meal, or spend the night in London, afterwards she says "Oh I really thought he might have done it that time". My family are very traditional Catholic and they simply can't understand how we could have bought a house together but not be getting married.

In fact, OH himself has said that he considers buying a house together (and it's a huge, huge mortgage) as big a commitment as getting married, because it's such a financial commitment. We both talk about the future as though it is guaranteed that we will get married and have children, and we have talked about it fairly openly before. In fact, on NYE he brought it up - I think because we were spending NYE at The Savoy in London and it was all very romantic and fancy, he probably wanted to establish at the start of the night that there was not going to be a proposal so I didn't spend the night excited and then get disappointed he said that he has been thinking about it a lot recently and he will definitely do it in the next 6 - 9 months. His words were "it could be next week or it could be November - I am not going to be more specific than that!"

I know that's a good thing and I should be excited but in a way it has made me even more frustrated. If he has decided he is going to do it - why not just do it?! I have explained so many times that I don't need any big gestures, don't care how much the ring costs, don't need a big wedding. Heck, if he asked me to pop down the registry office tomorrow in my jeans and do it - I would, because I just want to be his wife. I look out for signs of him seeming to cut back or try to save money (if he's saving for a ring or a wedding) but there's none of that - in fact he just offered to pay his sister's mortgage while she is on maternity leave as she will be a single mum and will struggle (see...he is so caring with such a big heart, this is why I want to marry him, even if he's spending my bl*ody engagement ring money on his sister's bl*ody mortgage lol!)

I also worry because he has been in a very long relationship before - 10 years together and they had a daughter - and he didn't marry her. I know logically the reasons (they got pregnant completely accidentally when he was very young and they hadn't been together long - he stayed with the woman for as long as he could because of his daughter but the relationship was never really meant to be) but it still makes me worry that marriage isn't as important to him as it is to me.

Also, I know it sounds silly, but he is SO busy - he works in London in the city and he works 12 hour + days every single weekday - train to work at 6am, on the train home by 7.30pm if we're lucky and in the door by 8.30pm, in bed by 10pm so we can get up at 5.30am for the train...just enough time to have dinner and a shower in between. He visits his daughter two weekends a month (she lives about 400 miles away so he has to stay in a hotel each time...she will be 16 this year though so hopefully the weekends will become slightly less frequent) and literally has no time to himself. I don't know when he'd buy a ring, or plan anything, or even actually think about the whole thing!

He has been saying a couple of things about Valentine's day recently like "maybe I'll plan something special" but actually I know it can't mean anything...firstly because he has an incredibly busy week that week and secondly because it's half term so his daughter will be staying with us...I wish he wouldn't say things that give me glimmers of hope!

We live in quite a well-off, traditional area and all the neighbours think we are married - we got Christmas cards addressed to 'Mr and Mrs' and every time I bump into a neighbour they ask after 'your hubby' - I can't bear to set them straight because I so want it to be true! I was admitted to hospital recently and OH was there with me, and it felt bizarre to say 'single' when they asked for my marital status and to put my mother down as legal next of kin. We are on each other's life insurance and death in service policies, I'm on his medical insurance, etc, we have a joint mortgage and jointly own a house in both our names - we practically ARE married already so why can't he just propose?! We were at a big family party at Christmas and I can't count the number of people who asked me "so when are you getting married?!" My cousin who is the same age as me just got engaged despite the fact that he and his girlfriend just got back from travelling, have no jobs and live with his parents - we are in SUCH a better position to get married than them and it just makes me green with envy!

I realise I am starting to sound slightly crazy but hoping this is a place where you might understand?! I just feel like this year is going to be really tough waiting on tenterhooks for it to happen. There is always something to put it on hold, it seems - 2011 we were buying a house, fine, so that took priority. But what's wrong with NOW? then he comes home saying they've all been told at work that the bonus pool is down a lot this year, so if he was relying on using some of his bonus for the ring etc maybe it will be delayed even more........

Ok. Please forgive the crazy, and congratulations again to those who have recently got engaged! You give me hope...

Welcome along! As you have already gathered, you are far from being alone! There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why they do/don't do it, I have tried to understand it but I really can't . Oh to be a man for a day!

minerva_windsong wrote: »

*waves hello to Daisiegg*

I'm really trying to not get my hopes at the moment because the OH is talking about going to Malta at the end of April - somewhere I've mentioned I'd really like to go - and has suggested that we book into a really nice-sounding hotel with a private beach, nice restaurants etc. I can't help wondering why, when normally we're more the youth hostel type, he'd be looking at somewhere that fancy if he wasn't going to pop the question - but at the moment I'm trying to focus on thinking he just wants us to have a nice holiday together and not worrying about anything else...

I don't want to get your hopes up but it does sound promising, and at the end of the day, even if he doesn't, it sounds like you have a fabulous holiday :T

AllyS wrote: »

Chatted to OH this morning and he said that he sees no point in getting married He was sweet about it and said that he sees his future with me and only me and that he doesn't see how getting married will change that. He said that my self esteem is the issue and if I was more confident I wouldn't want to marry either. He just doesn't see the point in marriage when we have a future regardless. I replied and said I hate just being his 'girlfriend' and it seems childlike and I hate referring to him as my boyfriend and would even prefer that it was fiance, he replied that it was my issue. :mad: I am starting to think that I should give up, it really is never going to happen no matter what my wishes are!! He did ask me if I was going to break up with him to find someone that would get married and I said that, 1 I am not looking for any old husband, I want to marry him, because I love him and I said that if I was 34 and never been married and kids, then yes maybe I would look for someone else, but I have done all that. Is it me? Am I looking for security from marriage? I know that marriage is not set in stone, my last husband broke up with me, but I have made no secret about the fact, that I loved being married, enjoyed every second until I found Ex DH was cheating on me Oh man!! maybe I need to see a shrink :rotfl:

I hope one of you guys understand!!

Very much so, I just have absolutely no idea what to say to you. Someone who was looking on from outside would undoubtedly tell you that marriage isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, that if otherwise you have a great life together why make it such an issue? Trouble is, I am not that person and I have had those desires to get married and have OH's name, I don't think personally I could cope with being told that it wasn't going to happen. It's one thing to think someone is putting it off for whatever reason but for someone to actually say NO......well, I'd be struggling with my inner demons. I know myself well enough to know that I'd end up very resentful and probably quite bitter but that doesn't mean that you will.

It's totally unfair to blame your desire for marriage on low self esteem but I struggle to describe why I do want it at the same time. Sending you a virtual hig ((xx)).

Verandi - Glad the exam went well :j good luck for the job interview too!

Squirrel - Sorry to hear about your TTC troubles, you sound very sane and relaxed about it which is surely a good thing. I really hope you can get some help if it is needed, we are all rooting for you

No news here either, only vaguely got mentioned today when I asked OH if he thought he could get 3 weeks off work, he asked if I could and I said that if it was for honeymoon then yes, I probably could and he just shrugged! I've been trying to get an idea of costs and budget and today, trying to secretly figure it all out whilst sitting on the sofa I started wondering if I can actually be bothered with it all :rotfl::o. The only decent bit of semi organising I have done is to work out an itinerary for Thailand (I suspect we will go even if it isn't a honeymoon) so I have spent hours o trip advisor looking at hotels/air fares/trains/things to do etc etc. I thought I would bore you with my current plans....

Bangkok - 3 nights
Tour of the 3 Temples & Grand Palace
Walking taste of Thailand tour (yum!)
River Tour

Catch a flight down to Phuket, transfer to:

Khao Lak - 4 nights
Full day or overnight trip to Khao Sok National Park, including Elephant Trekking/Rafting
Snorkeling/Sightseeing Trip to either Surin or Similan Islands (or Koh Tachai)

Transfer to :

Phuket - 4 nights
Trip to Phang Nga Bay (James Bond Island)
Cookery Class together
Maybe Ko Phi-Phi

Catch a ferry to:

Ko Lanta - 5 nights
Snorkeling at Ko Haa and surrounding Islands
Visit to Ko Lanta Animal Rescue
Lots of relaxing and Massages

I might extend it based on how much leave we can get but that's the general idea. I've noted down loads of hotel names for reasonable & luxury places depending on our budget. The flights to Bangkok are around £600 and a return to Phuket is about £60, even a really nice room is coming in at £120 but I have found a couple of more 'budget' but nice places so I might splash out in Khao Lak and Ko Lanta but do budget in Bangkok & Phuket?!

verandi

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

Thanks Verandi, yeah unfortunately dont think my body is working as well as it should be so need to look for answers, there's a possibility that I have a disorder that would make it quite difficult to get pg, not impossible, just harder than normal... so will need to get tests done...not getting too upset at this stage, long way to go yet! Just glad I have support of OH otherwise I'd probably go crazy!!

Sounds like you are a lot calmer about it than I would be! Although you've got the right idea cos stressing about it would only make things even less likely to happen. And I think you are doing the right thing by trying before you get married if you think it might take you a bit longer, I would definitely do the same no matter how much I'd prefer to be married first. Best of luck with your tests, let us know what happens

AllyS wrote: »

Chatted to OH this morning and he said that he sees no point in getting married He was sweet about it and said that he sees his future with me and only me and that he doesn't see how getting married will change that. He said that my self esteem is the issue and if I was more confident I wouldn't want to marry either. He just doesn't see the point in marriage when we have a future regardless. I replied and said I hate just being his 'girlfriend' and it seems childlike and I hate referring to him as my boyfriend and would even prefer that it was fiance, he replied that it was my issue. :mad: I am starting to think that I should give up, it really is never going to happen no matter what my wishes are!! He did ask me if I was going to break up with him to find someone that would get married and I said that, 1 I am not looking for any old husband, I want to marry him, because I love him and I said that if I was 34 and never been married and kids, then yes maybe I would look for someone else, but I have done all that. Is it me? Am I looking for security from marriage? I know that marriage is not set in stone, my last husband broke up with me, but I have made no secret about the fact, that I loved being married, enjoyed every second until I found Ex DH was cheating on me Oh man!! maybe I need to see a shrink :rotfl:

I hope one of you guys understand!!

Ally, I really feel your frustration here. I would be tearing my hair out I think. I just looked through your old posts on this topic and a while ago you said this...

"I arrived home from Xmas party last night a bit drunk :rotfl:And oh said look on iPad I thought it would be some naff gadget but it was a beautiful engagement ring on the page and he said do you like and I said yes it's beautiful. After about 20 mins and him chattering on about a film he watched I finally picked up the courage to ask what it meant and he said and I quote it doesn't mean I am going to propose anytime soon, just if I do decide to at some point I want to make sure that I get something you like so ur first reaction isn't I don't like the ring..."

In my opinion, having you check out a ring months ago and then turning round now and saying to you that he doesn't see the point in getting married just seems really cruel! It's the whole dangling the carrot thing that was mentioned again recently. If he ever does propose now, how will you feel? Would you feel a bit worried that he's only doing it to make you happy, and if so will that spoil it for you? Cos I think it would for me

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I now feel very cross on your behalf:mad: Which, seeing as you are an internet stranger, probably makes me a bit bonkers:o

Well if you're bonkers then so am I, cos I'm feeling the same haha. I think sharing things on here that we wouldn't even tell our closest friends in real life, and all being in the same boat, makes us feel a bit of comradery perhaps? :rotfl:

jtr2803 wrote: »

No news here either, only vaguely got mentioned today when I asked OH if he thought he could get 3 weeks off work, he asked if I could and I said that if it was for honeymoon then yes, I probably could and he just shrugged! I've been trying to get an idea of costs and budget and today, trying to secretly figure it all out whilst sitting on the sofa I started wondering if I can actually be bothered with it all :rotfl::o. The only decent bit of semi organising I have done is to work out an itinerary for Thailand (I suspect we will go even if it isn't a honeymoon) so I have spent hours o trip advisor looking at hotels/air fares/trains/things to do etc etc. I thought I would bore you with my current plans....

Jtr, bah! I would be so frustrated if I were you. You must be dying to make some really concrete plans, instead of all the wishy-washy maybes and shrugs from your OH lol :rotfl: You must be a saint, that's all I can say.
And I can't comment on your travel plans as never been to Asia myself, but it sounds amazing and I'm very jealous :A

daisiegg

Ally, I am joining the bonkers club because I am angry on your behalf too! It makes me feel lucky that I know at least OH does want to get married (he says...), just his time scale might be different to mine. The self-esteem thing is just a load of cr*p too. Silly man

lil_miss_insanity

jtr2803 wrote: »

I've been trying to get an idea of costs and budget and today, trying to secretly figure it all out whilst sitting on the sofa I started wondering if I can actually be bothered with it all :rotfl::o.

My way of dealing with things is to make plans. I plan holidays I've not yet booked, I plan for future savings goals, I plan parties, and yes...I've planned my hypothetical wedding. I tried to justify it to myself that I needed to plan to work out how much I needed to save, and that bit has worked, I do have a savings plan in place.

The reality is though, that planning distracts me - gives me little details to think about so I don't have to dwell on the waiting part. In fact, I ended up booking 2 holidays between now and May, during a stressful period at work!

So far I have bookmarked potential venues, photographers, videographers, decorations companies, even a custom pair of knee-high converse shoes! :eek: (Although, even I'm not crazy enough to have actually contacted anyone for quotes! ) So jtr, if you ever want a wedding planner... :rotfl:

jtr2803 wrote: »

The only decent bit of semi organising I have done is to work out an itinerary for Thailand (I suspect we will go even if it isn't a honeymoon) so I have spent hours o trip advisor looking at hotels/air fares/trains/things to do etc etc. I thought I would bore you with my current plans....

Bangkok - 3 nights
Tour of the 3 Temples & Grand Palace
Walking taste of Thailand tour (yum!)
River Tour

Catch a flight down to Phuket, transfer to:

Khao Lak - 4 nights
Full day or overnight trip to Khao Sok National Park, including Elephant Trekking/Rafting
Snorkeling/Sightseeing Trip to either Surin or Similan Islands (or Koh Tachai)

Transfer to :

Phuket - 4 nights
Trip to Phang Nga Bay (James Bond Island)
Cookery Class together
Maybe Ko Phi-Phi

Catch a ferry to:

Ko Lanta - 5 nights
Snorkeling at Ko Haa and surrounding Islands
Visit to Ko Lanta Animal Rescue
Lots of relaxing and Massages

I might extend it based on how much leave we can get but that's the general idea. I've noted down loads of hotel names for reasonable & luxury places depending on our budget. The flights to Bangkok are around £600 and a return to Phuket is about £60, even a really nice room is coming in at £120 but I have found a couple of more 'budget' but nice places so I might splash out in Khao Lak and Ko Lanta but do budget in Bangkok & Phuket?!

That sounds amazing! I really want to go to Thailand one day. I was going to go a couple of years ago, but didn't have the money to do it properly. Listening to that plan though, it may push up back to near the top of my list.

minerva_windsong

jtr, that holiday sounds amazing! I am very jealous