Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

jtr2803

minerva_windsong wrote: »

This is how I feel; it feels daft to admit it because I'm very much a fan of open and honest communication in relationships, but now it feels like I've got to keep a lid on my emotions all the time or I risk ruining everything and feeling like I'm pushing him into doing something. Thankfully we don't have any weddings to go to for a while as our friends who were due to get married in September next year are now eloping and just having a party and it seems we're not getting invited to our other friend's wedding, so it won't be quite as intense as this year, but there's still that feeling of being left behind and it not being 'fair'.

I actually had a mini-meltdown last night because my OH's brother-in-law said something the other day which sent my brain into overdrive - he and OH's sister have just announced they're expecting and when I congratulated him he said he hoped to return them yesterday, which coupled with my parents visiting and my mentioning my dad appreciated my brothers-in-law asking his permission to propose just made me think 'he's going to do it!'. Of course, he didn't, and then I got really upset because I'd stupidly built my hopes up. However, it did end in us having a big talk about it and getting a lot of things out in the open.

He did say to me "What's the rush?" and I didn't have a proper answer. I know I do want to marry him and he says it will happen, but it's the waiting that I hate - he's now said it's not dependent on jobs and the house, which almost makes it worse because now I don't have anything to work towards - and seeing everyone else get engaged and married and all the 'It'll be you next!' stuff. I am actually dreading going to my sister's for Christmas and seriously considering spending it in London because I don't know if I can take another year of my brothers-in-law making proposal jokes and not get upset about it. I suppose I just need to stop thinking about it and push it to the back of my mind, but it's difficult.

I get the jokes too, I am sure people don't realise how hurtful it can be . The last two Xmas' there have been proposals in our office, two years ago my boss proposed to his girlfriend of 9 months and last year my work mate was proposed to by her boyfriend so there is already talk of who's turn it is this year. I just try not to get involved with it.

The same work mate who got engaged last year told me she thinks it's a shame I would end the relationship if it didn't happen but this week she admitted that 4 years into their relationship she thought things were stagnating so she told her boyfriend they either got engaged or bought a house (they did the latter).......?!?!

We too have a very open relationship but the marriage/proposal subject just isn't one I feel I can bring up anymore, we have talked about it a few times and I've really said all I can on the subject, anything else I saw isn't going to help so I have kinda just shut up now.

74jax wrote: »

I know this feeling well. At my OH's sister's wedding his Mum was introducing me to people and people were asking how long we'd been together etc, they would say 'ooo your turn next' or 'do you have plans to get married'. I was fuming when OH insinuated it was me. I asked why he said that and that he had told me he wasn't ready to marry me. It wasn't as awkward a moment as it seems (for me) and OH didn't have an answer (he might have felt awkward, I didn't) and the people we were talking to just looked at my OH for an answer.

I felt soooo much better, because normally I'd make a joke of it and laugh it off.

I'm going to do that next time, when we got asked at my bosses wedding if it would be us next, my OH just looked at me and said 'what do you reckon dear?', if it happens again I think I will just say 'I've made it clear I want to get married but you don't seem that bothered so I guess it's up to you'. Might sound harsh but why should I have to field these questions???

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Well one reply is, why wait? We love each other, we know we want to be togther always, we both clearly believe in marriage,why not celebrate that now? If you have been togther more than 3 yrs, I do not thing he can in any way shape or form suggest marrying now is 'doing it in a rush'. But I bet you have thought of many good answers since! It is hard to put in concrete terms why it is important to some of us.

I really feel for you all on this thread - been there got the teeshirt. It is seriously painful I know. I was in the same position.
This summer we had been togther 9 yrs, and I too have been through the whole burying the heartache thing, when he suddenly proposed. We married 10 week later this September and just as I had always imagined, a) we are very very happy and b) he loves calling me his wife, and loves being married and has totally blossomed.
Quite why he put if off so long lol!!! (So easy to LOL now of course...)

Squirrels - it is a shame your OH has the believe that 'the proposal' has to be something momentous - I am sure if he asked you while doing the washing up it would be fantastic. Because really, if you have both agreed you want to marry each other, you are now, to my understanding of the period of engagement, technically engaged...

The bold bit is EXACTLY how I see it, if he really believes our relationship is forever and he really loves me and does want to get married then why wait? That's why I end up feeling insecure because I feel like it is a reflection on me...that he isn't doing it because maybe he isn't sure or doesn't really mean what he says. The more I have thought about it the more I have veered away from wanting to have the whole showy wedding, I'd really like for the two of us to go away and just have a small romantic ceremony and a nice meal. I've tried to relay that too in case the thought of saying vows etc in front of other people was worrying him but I think it went in one ear and out the other

wanchai_2

jtr2803 wrote: »

I'm going to do that next time, when we got asked at my bosses wedding if it would be us next, my OH just looked at me and said 'what do you reckon dear?', if it happens again I think I will just say 'I've made it clear I want to get married but you don't seem that bothered so I guess it's up to you'. Might sound harsh but why should I have to field these questions???

Next time he says that, ask 'Are you proposing to me?' :D:D:D

AllyS

Am hanging my head in shame - I actually blurted out yesterday (normally it stays in my head!) to my boyfriend, please 'marry me' in a really desperate tone of voice he was being really nice and sweet and gorgeous and it just fell out!!! His reply 'yes, one day!'. Still won't buy the beautiful ring that I like in the independent jewellers tho that will most certainly be gone soon

Anyone know how far away 'one day' is? :rotfl:

verandi

jtr2803 wrote: »

No! I really feel like I just can't mention anything about it for fear of putting pressure on or risking getting upset about it. A work mate offered to tell my OH and pretend I didn't know but I didn't want that as I'd forever be wondering if he got it or not!

Aww. Well you never know, it might still be there, or you might see something you like even better when the time comes. Or maybe he will choose one for you and it will be perfect

minerva_windsong wrote: »

This is how I feel; it feels daft to admit it because I'm very much a fan of open and honest communication in relationships, but now it feels like I've got to keep a lid on my emotions all the time or I risk ruining everything and feeling like I'm pushing him into doing something. Thankfully we don't have any weddings to go to for a while as our friends who were due to get married in September next year are now eloping and just having a party and it seems we're not getting invited to our other friend's wedding, so it won't be quite as intense as this year, but there's still that feeling of being left behind and it not being 'fair'.

I actually had a mini-meltdown last night because my OH's brother-in-law said something the other day which sent my brain into overdrive - he and OH's sister have just announced they're expecting and when I congratulated him he said he hoped to return them yesterday, which coupled with my parents visiting and my mentioning my dad appreciated my brothers-in-law asking his permission to propose just made me think 'he's going to do it!'. Of course, he didn't, and then I got really upset because I'd stupidly built my hopes up. However, it did end in us having a big talk about it and getting a lot of things out in the open.

He did say to me "What's the rush?" and I didn't have a proper answer. I know I do want to marry him and he says it will happen, but it's the waiting that I hate - he's now said it's not dependent on jobs and the house, which almost makes it worse because now I don't have anything to work towards - and seeing everyone else get engaged and married and all the 'It'll be you next!' stuff. I am actually dreading going to my sister's for Christmas and seriously considering spending it in London because I don't know if I can take another year of my brothers-in-law making proposal jokes and not get upset about it. I suppose I just need to stop thinking about it and push it to the back of my mind, but it's difficult.

There seems to be a lot of you on here lately doing the big conversation about it. You're braver people than me! I've never so much as mentioned it and don't think I ever could. I don't know why really, because as you said, relationships should be open and honest. It's just something I wouldn't be able to bring up.

I really feel for you with him saying it's not dependent on your job or house situation, and I think that would make me feel worse too! Cos then I'd be thinking well the only thing holding him back must be how he feels about me. In my case, we're both studying full time until next summer, and then we could be moving anywhere that we find jobs, which is obviously expensive. So part of me thinks what's the point in wanting to get engaged so much when even if we did I'd probably be disappointed then that we couldn't afford to get married as soon as I'd want to! :rotfl: It would make me have to choose between spending savings on buying a house together, or spending it on a wedding. Both of which I want before I have children lol :rotfl: I think I'm just screwed haha.

And it is very difficult to put it out of your mind, I really can empathise with that. I find that it's often when other things aren't going right or are worrying me that it comes to the surface.

BlueCow1975 wrote: »

I was with my now DH for 11 years before he got round to proposing to me (granted I was in my late twenties when he finally got round to it!).

Talking from my own personal experiences I found that I needed to get it out of my head totally (and OMG how hard is that!) as it was creating an undercurrent and intensity in our relationship that was not helpful. I totally did not want to put any pressure on in any way as the time had to be right for him and I did not want him to propose because he knew that is what I wanted - when he may have had doubts. I don't mean doubts about wanting to be with me, I mean more doubts about "am I at a time in my life when I want to get married" kind of doubts. At the end of the day for me, I came to realise that marriage is a nice add on but by no means the be all and end all of a relationship. It had to be right for both of us.

THe funny thing is, what swung it in the end was us having a real open chat about it and I actually turned the tables on him and said that I was quite happy to carry on as we were, we were having the time of our lives and I did not actually feel that I was at a stage in my life where marriage was absolutely essential. It was like a magic key in a way as it turned the pressure off totally, which got him thinking and hey presto 4 months later he proposed. :rotfl:

I think it's the same for me. I know sometimes when I'm thinking about both this and my impending birthday and getting a bit down about it, he'll obviously pick up on it and want to know what's wrong, but I won't talk about it. And he sometimes worries it's him or something he's done But I won't say what it really is for the reasons you mention. I'm afraid that if he knew how I feel it would put pressure on, purely because he'd know it upset me sometimes and might feel (wrongly) like he was the cause.

ellies_angel wrote: »

well I took the bull my the horns and proposed. We had been together almost 5 years, lived together for almost 3 of those and knew that we would be spending the rest of our lives together, but had never ever talked about marriage......I mean never ever, anyway I decided one day I wanted to marry him, I wanted to be his wife, I wanted him as my husband so looked into how we could get married when we were on holiday (it had already been booked) found the iformation I needed, did it all on line and then proposed.
For me it wouldn't have been the make or break of our relationship because we were perfectly happy, I had just got it into my head I wanted us to be married. So we are married and we are still perfectly happy, nothing much about our relationship has changed except I love calling him my husband

Aww congratulations! You're my hero :rotfl: haha.

AllyS wrote: »

Am hanging my head in shame - I actually blurted out yesterday (normally it stays in my head!) to my boyfriend, please 'marry me' in a really desperate tone of voice he was being really nice and sweet and gorgeous and it just fell out!!! His reply 'yes, one day!'. Still won't buy the beautiful ring that I like in the independent jewellers tho that will most certainly be gone soon

Anyone know how far away 'one day' is? :rotfl:

Oh dear god, I think I would actually die haha :rotfl: I say stuff like that in my head too all the time. The only time it almost comes out though is if I've had a drink, but luckily for me, that's not too often! What's the ring like?

And if you do manage to find out when "one day" is then please do let me know, I'm waiting on a "one day" from my OH aswell, although on an unrelated matter!

P.S - my laptop battery just died while I was half way through this post and that was a scary couple of minutes trying to plug it in and get it started back up before he comes downstairs!

AllyS

The ring is White gold with a few diamond like stones either side and then a lovely beautiful Amber stone in the middle. I originally wanted White gold pink sapphire but this is just gorgeous! Ah well just have to remain patient, still can't believe I said it tho! Haha

frugal_doodle

I am in exactly the same boat as many of you ladies. I have been with my OH for over 6 years now, and have lived together for over half that time. For the last 3 years I've been desperate to be his wife and have tried all manner of subtle... and not so subtle hints. I have even had frank discussions with him about what we both want in the future - and he talks a good talk - but he still hasn't bought a ring!

What makes things even more confusing is that we have actually tried engagement rings on about 7 months ago, and it was his idea to do it. I found one I loved, thought he might do it...waited...waited.....and I'm still waiting.

Hope he does it soon or I think I may go mad, or turn into a bigger nag than I already am! (maybe thats why he doesn't want to marry me!)

verandi

AllyS wrote: »

The ring is White gold with a few diamond like stones either side and then a lovely beautiful Amber stone in the middle. I originally wanted White gold pink sapphire but this is just gorgeous! Ah well just have to remain patient, still can't believe I said it tho! Haha

That sounds really nice, I really like amber. You lot seem to want some really original sounding rings, the one I like seems quite boring now haha.

frugal_doodle wrote: »

I am in exactly the same boat as many of you ladies. I have been with my OH for over 6 years now, and have lived together for over half that time. For the last 3 years I've been desperate to be his wife and have tried all manner of subtle... and not so subtle hints. I have even had frank discussions with him about what we both want in the future - and he talks a good talk - but he still hasn't bought a ring!

What makes things even more confusing is that we have actually tried engagement rings on about 7 months ago, and it was his idea to do it. I found one I loved, thought he might do it...waited...waited.....and I'm still waiting.

Hope he does it soon or I think I may go mad, or turn into a bigger nag than I already am! (maybe thats why he doesn't want to marry me!)

Welcome frugal I think I would have gone absolutely doolally by now if he'd taken me to try rings on seven MONTHS ago. I'd be exploding after 7 hours, nevermind months! You have more patience than me that's for sure

Stephb1986_2

AllyS wrote: »

Am hanging my head in shame - I actually blurted out yesterday (normally it stays in my head!) to my boyfriend, please 'marry me' in a really desperate tone of voice he was being really nice and sweet and gorgeous and it just fell out!!! His reply 'yes, one day!'. Still won't buy the beautiful ring that I like in the independent jewellers tho that will most certainly be gone soon

Anyone know how far away 'one day' is? :rotfl:

One day is one day too far away for you hun

it will happen, if I was you I wouldn't mention weddings for a few weeks/months see what happens over christmas

Steph xx

jtr2803

wanchai wrote: »

Next time he says that, ask 'Are you proposing to me?' :D:D:D

That is SUCH a good idea!!! So going to be pulling this one out of the bag next year :rotfl:

AllyS wrote: »

Am hanging my head in shame - I actually blurted out yesterday (normally it stays in my head!) to my boyfriend, please 'marry me' in a really desperate tone of voice he was being really nice and sweet and gorgeous and it just fell out!!! His reply 'yes, one day!'. Still won't buy the beautiful ring that I like in the independent jewellers tho that will most certainly be gone soon

Anyone know how far away 'one day' is? :rotfl:

Awwww, bless you! I have no idea when 'one day' is either but I really wish I did! I love the sound of the ring too, I was so tempted to buy the one I saw on my OHs credit card and give it to him to put away for the right time

frugal_doodle wrote: »

I am in exactly the same boat as many of you ladies. I have been with my OH for over 6 years now, and have lived together for over half that time. For the last 3 years I've been desperate to be his wife and have tried all manner of subtle... and not so subtle hints. I have even had frank discussions with him about what we both want in the future - and he talks a good talk - but he still hasn't bought a ring!

What makes things even more confusing is that we have actually tried engagement rings on about 7 months ago, and it was his idea to do it. I found one I loved, thought he might do it...waited...waited.....and I'm still waiting.

Hope he does it soon or I think I may go mad, or turn into a bigger nag than I already am! (maybe thats why he doesn't want to marry me!)

:eek::eek::eek::eek: That would absolutely do my head in! How can you get to that point and not then propose, that's madness. Do you think there is a chance he went back and bought one that you liked and is waiting for a certain day or something to propose?

I am obviously very psychotic at the moment as I had a REALLY vivid dream last night where OH and I were getting married but it was like I completely forgot and I remember standing in front of the mirror wondering why I hadn't bothered to lose weight and then I was pouring superglue over my finger nails to make them look shiny and manicured....so bizarre!

Also keep hearing Beyonce's Single Ladies song on the radio on the way home...... cried my tears for three good years, you can't be mad at me....if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it....:mad:

AllyS

JTR: Awwww, bless you! I have no idea when 'one day' is either but I really wish I did! I love the sound of the ring too, I was so tempted to buy the one I saw on my OHs credit card and give it to him to put away for the right time

What a great idea!! might make us unpopular tho and proposal even more unlikely haha

One day is one day too far away for you hun

it will happen, if I was you I wouldn't mention weddings for a few weeks/months see what happens over christmas

Steph xx

I know for sure he will not propose on any special event. I got married previously on my birthday - I was hurt very badly by my ex and it does still spoil my birthday a little, almost as if I can't forget the date and carry on like it is normal day, so he said once that he can never propose on a special day, because he doesn't want to see that spoiled for me too (just in case anything did happen) - so very sweet reason why it will certainly not happen over xmas or new year

That sounds really nice, I really like amber. You lot seem to want some really original sounding rings, the one I like seems quite boring now haha.

I do like 'different' jewellery, BF doesn't agree tho and wants to get something more traditional

I have decided though I am going to try not to mention it any more, so I might be ranting on here more

Sorry I don't know how to do multi quote