Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

Idiophreak

LEJC wrote: »

So Idio are you saying that it would still have been a straight "no" after 7 or 8 years together....?....thats a long time to be with someone yet not sure you want to remain with them...

I think "not sure you want to remain with them" is somewhat missing the point. I was never in any doubt that I wanted to remain with her. But committing for life is something slightly different.

...and yes, we'd been together for 7 or 8 years, but for 4 of those I lived in a different country, for the first couple we only saw each other a couple of times per week....I know it sounds daft, but 7 or 8 years isn't necessarily a very long time...

LEJC wrote: »

I understand completely your reasons for not going there earlier...but once youve had a long period together and the house comes along surely the next natural step is the proposal....

Yes, absolutely...But I've never viewed my life as ticking off boxes in the right order, to the right timescale etc. I do things because I want to do them and they feel right. I knew it was the next logical step, but I was going to take it in my own time...

LEJC wrote: »

You were probably clearly on the same wavelength as your OH which is great in relation to the timescales involved...but I cant believe it would still have been a straight "no" if she had come to you during year 8 and said "We've got so much going for us and now I'd really like to be Mrs Idio...lets get married"....surely you wouldnt have risked throwing what you have away until you found the time was right...especially if you knew that it was something that was important to her as in the case of the OP

You make it sound like the two things are mutually exclusive, though. If she came to me and said "can we get married", it would have been a "no". If she'd have come to me and gave me the ultimatum "if you don't marry me, I'm offski", I may have needed to give it further thought...

LEJC

Idiophreak wrote: »

I think If she'd have come to me and gave me the ultimatum "if you don't marry me, I'm offski", I may have needed to give it further thought...

so thats the point that you would have known what she wanted,and possibly proposed a little earlier than you did....so its not a straight "no"...you hopefully would have listened to the ultimatum and considered carefully the prospect of marriage

The point im trying to make is that the OPs partner clearly knows how she feels yet is still refusing possibly to "give it further thought"...thats really harsh and yes in my mind a little insensitive towards the OP and her feelings its almost as if he wants the trappings of marriage with out going through with it...and risks losing her

Perhaps its a case of the OP not issuing a firm ultimatum to her bloke and until she does then he will be taking it at his pace....its just not the same pace as her...whichever way it ends up I wish them well...

Idiophreak

LEJC wrote: »

so thats the point that you would have known what she wanted,and possibly proposed a little earlier than you did....so its not a straight "no"...you hopefully would have listened to the ultimatum and considered carefully the prospect of marriage.

The point im trying to make is that the OPs partner clearly knows how she feels yet is still refusing possibly to "give it further thought"...thats really harsh and yes in my mind a little insensitive towards the OP and her feelings its almost as if he wants the trappings of marriage with out going through with it...and risks losing her

Yes...I'd have considered, bluntly, allowing myself to be bullied into marriage...which I honestly don't know if I could have done. But then I can't imagine myself letting my soulmate walk away...But equally I can't imagine my OH walking away from her soulmate over marriage...

I think the idea of "considering carefully" and "giving it further thought" is interesting...because I don't see what difference that makes. I don't believe you can think yourself into feeling differently. You can probably try to convince yourself that you feel differently, but I'm not sure how that helps anyone in the long term...

wanchai_2

Disclaimer: I hate the DM and Kirstie Slopp but just thought this may be of interest to you all...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2059501/On-couch-Kirstie-Allsopp-What-you-want-marry-partner-doesnt.html

Idiophreak

LEJC wrote: »

he will be taking it at his pace....its just not the same pace as her...whichever way it ends up I wish them well...

Life's not a race, though...and I think the destination is more important than the speed at which you get there.

Having said that, I was very aware that I wanted to get to the destination eventually (marriage)...and realised that the faster the journey, the more chance there was of it happening. In the end, I think that's the switch that flipped. The idea that I could die at any time. I could get hit by a bus, shot at random, die in a fire...and, to be honest, I was quite terrified of the idea that I could die not having married my wife...So I pulled my finger out...

Anyway, I also hope it works out well in the end one way or the other.

LalaGomay

Idiophreak wrote: »

I think "not sure you want to remain with them" is somewhat missing the point. I was never in any doubt that I wanted to remain with her. But committing for life is something slightly different.

What I don't really get is what is this big thing that some people aren't ready for? If they *are* ready to live together, maybe have kids, etc, and know they wan't to be with the other person longterm, etc, what is it about getting married that is so huge and terrifying, and something they have to wait infinite amounts of time to be ready for?

Are they scared of the day being a bit embarrassing and stressful and loads of hassle?


(Not asking you specifically Idiophreak, or expecting you to speak for all men or anything! - Besides, you already described your situation on the last couple of pages. I just quoted you because that post reminded me.)

AllyS

wanchai wrote: »

Disclaimer: I hate the DM and Kirstie Slopp but just thought this may be of interest to you all...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2059501/On-couch-Kirstie-Allsopp-What-you-want-marry-partner-doesnt.html

Thanks for this This exactly my situation, my bf divorce was so awful that I dont think he will sadly be ever ready to marry again, no matter how lovely I am to him! :rotfl:

I am a little different to other women on here, I have had the fairytale marriage and 2 beautiful children that luckily my bf (altho he wouldn't admit in public) loves and they have a Dad that loves them very much too. Wow my kids are lucky little so and so's.

My marriage ended and I didn't want it too (pubicly we were the perfect couple!), I just wasn't willing to put up with the lies and deceit anymore, I have now met the most wonderful man in the world and hopefully one day he will be my husband and I will be the proudest and luckiest woman in the world. Until then I have to be patient! - I really dont do patient!

Idiophreak

LalaGomay wrote: »

What I don't really get is what is this big thing that some people aren't ready for? If they *are* ready to live together, maybe have kids, etc, and know they wan't to be with the other person longterm, etc, what is it about getting married that is so huge and terrifying, and something they have to wait infinite amounts of time to be ready for?

You don't get what's huge and terrifying about marriage?

LalaGomay

Idiophreak wrote: »

You don't get what's huge and terrifying about marriage?

Nope!
Not if you know you love the person and they're the one for you. It actually seems like quite a small step to me.

The wedding itself I can see being scary. But not the marriage.

wanchai_2

Idiophreak wrote: »

You don't get what's huge and terrifying about marriage?

It is a big and scary thing, yes.

BUT... well, for example, in the case of people who already have children together, *that* is a bigger commitment than marriage, so why not get married?