Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

wanchai_2

findingmyownway wrote: »

I think that is a key difference Idio. 10 years from age 16 to 26 (a guess, but can't be too far off) takes you to a very average and socially acceptable time to get married with lots of leeway for a family over the next 10 years.

I get the impression many posters on here are in 2nd or 3rd 'long term' relationships, rapidly heading for 30-35. In that situation, weddings and babies need to fit into a fixed (yet unknown) timescale, hence the concerns around years 'wasted' on men who don't want the same things.

Exactly. I understand what you are all saying; being 30+ does tend to concentrate the mind a little! I wouldn't have wanted to get married at 26 at all , now I feel ready.

burnoutbabe

why don't people just ask their boyfriends? most of them would probably say yes, then get on and plan the wedding.

just don't get the social stigma about women asking men. if you want to move forward, don't wait passivly for things to happen.

Idiophreak

burnoutbabe wrote: »

just don't get the social stigma about women asking men. if you want to move forward, don't wait passivly for things to happen.

Again, speaking as a bloke, I asked her as soon as I felt ready...so if she'd have asked me sooner, it would have been a no.

minerva_windsong

burnoutbabe wrote: »

why don't people just ask their boyfriends? most of them would probably say yes, then get on and plan the wedding.

just don't get the social stigma about women asking men. if you want to move forward, don't wait passivly for things to happen.

I can only speak for myself, but the crux of it for me with that would be 'what happens if he says no?' And by that I mean 'no, never' as opposed to 'no, not yet'. Not that my OH has ever given any indication that he would say 'never', but if he did I would be seriously questioning the relationship because I would be thinking if that we didn't want the same things out of life, which would include making a commitment to spend the rest of our lives together, then what's the point of carrying on the relationship?

Maybe it's because I'm from a very traditional family but to me getting married is a huge decision and I doubt that a man would ask the question if he wasn't sure that the woman would say yes (but perhaps Idiophreak or any other men on here may say differently), so I don't see why a woman should ask a man unless she was certain that it was what he wanted. People - men and women - might realise they want things in life at different times, but the important thing is that they come to them of their own accord.

LEJC

Idiophreak wrote: »

Again, speaking as a bloke, I asked her as soon as I felt ready...so if she'd have asked me sooner, it would have been a no.

Would it have been a straight no...or would it not have been the time for you to consider your future joint plans together?

It seems very hard for argument sake that you would have turned a proposal down say 2 years ago on the basis you were not quite ready...surely that would have been a point to deliberate on rather than say a straight no....especially considering the time you have been together and the "joint" things you would have accumulated along the way by that time....and the fact that you subsequently went on to propose and have planned and set your lives together now.

Idiophreak

findingmyownway wrote: »

I get the impression many posters on here are in 2nd or 3rd 'long term' relationships, rapidly heading for 30-35. In that situation, weddings and babies need to fit into a fixed (yet unknown) timescale, hence the concerns around years 'wasted' on men who don't want the same things.

If someone doesn't "want the same things", that's quite a different matter, though...If you're talking to your boyfriend and he's saying "yes, I think we might get married at some point", that's really quite different from them saying "I never want to get married".

LEJC

Ive resisted until today entering into this thread as a contributor and have tended to be a lurker....basically because I had it easy and I dont want to come across as the now smug married...my proposal came six weeks after our first date so the idea of having to wait for a reluctant male wasnt an issue for me...but if I were to have been in the OPs situation I can fully empathise and sympathise with her flustrations,anger,and ultimately love that she has for her man...and yes the jigsaw would be complete if they could just slot in the last piece!!

Social situations play a huge part in relationships and again I come from that era where whilst it was a lot more acceptable to live with someone before marriage...we didnt do it...we did our growing up and finding out about how we adapted in those first early years....with the benefit of hindsight and 19 years of marriage behind me I can honestly say that if we had lived together first then I dont think we would have made it down the aisle.i think we would have just settled into "acting married" and got on with the next phase of our lives ...I did get caught up in the romance of a wedding and a proposal at 23 I was probably younger than a lot of brides now too....but once we worked at being married...it was quite fun...and yes still very happy...

8 years is a long time to be with someone and not know the direction you are both heading...its fine if you both share the view of "it will happen one day"...but its really flustrating when one is happy as they are and the other wants that last bit of commitment...

findingmyownway

Idiophreak wrote: »

If someone doesn't "want the same things", that's quite a different matter, though...If you're talking to your boyfriend and he's saying "yes, I think we might get married at some point", that's really quite different from them saying "I never want to get married".

I should point out, I am not really in the situation of the OP at the moment. I know my OH wants to marry me as much as I do him, just at the moment it is outside factors are holding us back from that.

I contribute to this thread mainly because I have been (in my last relationship) in exactly the postion of OP and the others on the thread. I realise that I am likely quite over-sensitve on the topic, due to that past experience!

For what its worth, my previous relationship ended for exactly the reasons being discussed here. After 7 years together he still refused to discuss marriage or children in anything more than "yeah maybe someday" terms... various other things happened too, but for me that was the main reason I knew things had to end.

74jax

LEJC wrote: »

Would it have been a straight no...or would it not have been the time for you to consider your future joint plans together?

.

I asked my OH and it was a No. A very straight No. Yes we talked about getting married 'in the future' etc. But it totally boils down to what idiophreak said in another post - he just wasn't 'there'.

He also says to him it was a case of 'hey this isn't that scary' and so asked me, a little over a year after i asked him.

LEJC

74jax wrote: »

I asked my OH and it was a No. A very straight No. Yes we talked about getting married 'in the future' etc. But it totally boils down to what idiophreak said in another post - he just wasn't 'there'.

He also says to him it was a case of 'hey this isn't that scary' and so asked me, a little over a year after i asked him.

See maybe its me but if I had plucked up the courage to ask...and the answer was no then that would be it...I possibly coudnt see the point in continuing a relationship where the answer to a proposal was a straight "no".....so the fact in my mind that you then carried on for another year waiting for him to "find himself" is quite commendable in my opinion...