Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

74jax

LEJC wrote: »

See maybe its me but if I had plucked up the courage to ask...and the answer was no then that would be it...I possibly coudnt see the point in continuing a relationship where the answer to a proposal was a straight "no".....so the fact in my mind that you then carried on for another year waiting for him to "find himself" is quite commendable in my opinion...

I made the decision that I was willing to wait. I didn't know in my own mind how long I would wait, and you've maybe read through my past posts on here and seen that I 100% appreciate it is an unbelievably hard decision to leave someone when you both love each other and nothing is wrong with the relationship, other than one won't make that 'final' commitment.

To some being told No is the final part and they do end. Although a girl I would with didn't accept her OH's proposal on his first ask, or even his 2nd. He asked her 4 times over the period of 5 years. Each time was a 'proper' proposal (not a drunkern slur) but she just wasn't ready. They have a child now of 4 and she still stands by her decision she just wasn't ready.

LEJC

74jax wrote: »

I made the decision that I was willing to wait. I didn't know in my own mind how long I would wait.

and therein lies the crux of the whole thread...for you its worked out..you have your proposal...for me it worked out...but for the OP she's still waiting for the proposal and commitment of marriage.

To me I would hate to look back on life with too many regrets so I guess its centred around whether the OP in later life will regret not marrying her partner or indeed end up resenting him because there wasnt a marriage...jax you say you dont know how long you would have waited for your proposal...but in honesty would you have waited indefinatley...or what would have been your "cut off point"?...would you have been happy if the proposal of marriage took 20 years to arrive?....

I understand the concept of "we both want the same thing ...but just not yet"...but I also believe that at some point in life if youve not found that "point" to commit...you need to either accept that it probably wont happen and either walk away or accept what you have without the marriage commitment...

vroombroom

I'm giving my fella till leap day to ask me. If he doesn't, I'll ask him - I have it all planned - if he says no, then its the spare room for him, and he can do his own washing

Idiophreak

LEJC wrote: »

Would it have been a straight no...or would it not have been the time for you to consider your future joint plans together?

It seems very hard for argument sake that you would have turned a proposal down say 2 years ago on the basis you were not quite ready...surely that would have been a point to deliberate on rather than say a straight no....especially considering the time you have been together and the "joint" things you would have accumulated along the way by that time....and the fact that you subsequently went on to propose and have planned and set your lives together now.

Sorry, didn't see this before. Yes, it would have been a straight no.

In a relationship, you have to be constantly reassessing where you are, how you're feeling, what's going well, what's not...so at any given point, I was aware of how I felt about the idea of marriage. And there's more practical stuff, too. I guess, practically, it broke down something like this:
1 year - far too young and *way* too soon to be thinking about it.
2-7 years - at uni, or paying student debt, so no money for engagement, wedding, so not even thinking about it.
8-9 years - buying house together, no time or money
10 years - spot on

Emotionally, I'd say that until I was a couple of years out of uni, I didn't feel that I knew my self well enough to propose..and then we spent a couple of years living together to see how we got on etc.

I guess, really, then, it was around a year after I *could* have proposed that I actually did it. BUT, we'd got a *long* history together by that point, neither of us had any baggage from previous relationships etc, so I think we had "ideal conditions" to make that step relatively quickly, really...In that year, though, I was well aware that marriage was a possibility...we had the money (well, as much as you ever have the money for a wedding ), we'd got to live together for a good while and we'd learnt a lot about ourselves through a bit of travel and plenty of hard work...but, for whatever reason, I just wasn't "there" - and I knew that...so it would have been a flat no.

LEJC

So Idio are you saying that it would still have been a straight "no" after 7 or 8 years together....?....thats a long time to be with someone yet not sure you want to remain with them...

I understand completely your reasons for not going there earlier...but once youve had a long period together and the house comes along surely the next natural step is the proposal....

You were probably clearly on the same wavelength as your OH which is great in relation to the timescales involved...but I cant believe it would still have been a straight "no" if she had come to you during year 8 and said "We've got so much going for us and now I'd really like to be Mrs Idio...lets get married"....surely you wouldnt have risked throwing what you have away until you found the time was right...especially if you knew that it was something that was important to her as in the case of the OP

74jax

LEJC wrote: »

So Idio are you saying that it would still have been a straight "no" after 7 or 8 years together....?....thats a long time to be with someone yet not sure you want to remain with them...

I understand completely your reasons for not going there earlier...but once youve had a long period together and the house comes along surely the next natural step is the proposal....

You were probably clearly on the same wavelength as your OH which is great in relation to the timescales involved...but I cant believe it would still have been a straight "no" if she had come to you during year 8 and said "We've got so much going for us and now I'd really like to be Mrs Idio...lets get married"....surely you wouldnt have risked throwing what you have away until you found the time was right...

You've got to think though, in year 8 they were only just buying a house together. In year 5 when I asked OH to marry me, we weren't even living together.

I know it's easy for me to agree now as I have my proposal, but I think form my OH and idiophreak, they just (as idiophreak says) weren't 'there'

wanchai_2

I won't buy a house with MrW till we're married! Am I weird?

LEJC

wanchai wrote: »

I won't buy a house with MrW till we're married! Am I weird?

Probably no wierder than me!

74jax

wanchai wrote: »

I won't buy a house with MrW till we're married! Am I weird?

NOPE! That was my thinking but OH wouldn't propose until we'd lived together. It was stale mate and I gave in.............

LEJC

Whats really coming out here is how things have changed socially over the years...

Makes me sound old but in my day you met someone,you dated,you proposed,bought/rented the house(found a nest whatever you want to call it) then you married.....differing timescales for everyone on how fast that happened....for me it all took place in 18 months...

Clearly things progress and people do things in a different order and whatever way you do it doesn't bother me...but I still believe that at some point both partners will agree that its time to marry...and for me I personally cant really grasp the idea of wanting to have the house,the good times,the holidays and the trappings of marriage- oh and the children if you want- (and yes I know theres lots more to marriage than the materialistic things ive listed)....but not actually want to be married to you partner....or possibly refuse to marry your partner as in the case of the OPs other half...

You do whatever is right for you as a couple and its fine when you want the same things and you share a common goal...problems arise when one wants something more than the other....and the question is how long do you wait around hoping it will happen?


If we turn the senario round and instead of the OP writing we have

Ive lived with my girlfriend for 3 years now...relationship is perfect and I love to cook for her buy her flowers sing to her ....and we have lovely holidays together ...but I just dont want to marry her....I know its a contentious issue between us because we have just come back from a holiday during which I suspect she wanted to receive a proposal...so much so that mid holiday I had to say to her "look im not going to propose"...how long do you think she will stay with me whist I figure out if I want to marry her???
Please dont just advise me to talk to her...I know thats what I should do but I cant...I just want her to forget about marriage and everything will be perfect....