Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

74jax

johannalf88 wrote: »

If you feel the relationship is going nowhere, and you need to get married then I woul talk to your OH. Discuss whether it's something you both want, without personal issues getting in the way. For some people, women included, it's just not that important.

I think this is the very very hard point.

For some people it is the decision of turning their backs on an otherwise solid and good relationship, because one person will not get married.

I used to look at my relationship and think it would have been easier to end it if one of us had an affair, or did something wrong; there would then be a reason to end the relationship. But as it was everything else other than the ring was perfect.

It is a very hard decision to turn your back on a relationship that isn't going where you want it too when you both love each other. It is easier to 'put off' making that decision, but then before you know it 6 months has passed, then another year......

It is a very empty feeling.

squ1rrel5

Idiophreak wrote: »

...If a man started a thread in the same vain saying "Waiting for sex..." about his relationship with his girlfriend, you'd all be advising them to be patient, that people move at different speeds, etc....If he started complaining that her keeping her legs together was causing him "emotional turmoil", I imagine it would be met with some quite sharp responses...

johannalf88 wrote: »

I think that is a good way of looking at it Idiophreak.

I totally disagree... I can understand a mans frustrations waiting for sex but I dont think its quite on the same 'emotional' level....everyone knows that nowadays sex is not a commitment.. (well perhaps to some) but it happens all too casually to create any kind of 'emotional turmoil' to the extent you are implying above!!

Marriage on the other hand is (or at least SHOULD be) a lifetime commitment and there is of course going to be much more emotion attached to this...
But your advice is right about people moving at different speeds and us girls should understand and respect that.... and wait until the time is right for our OH's because if you know him well enough, you know it will come ONE day!!!

My only frustration is that I KNOW for sure that we are in the same place - we have had numerous, sensible conversations about it!!! And I know that he wants to ask me at some point....but this conversation started in August 2010 and I am still waiting....the suspense is killing me.:rotfl:
If he knows he wants to do it, why take this long to actually ask?!!
Luckily on the outside Im a very patient person...! (its inside my head and on this forum that the suspense is killing me!!!!) :eek:

74jax

squ1rrel5 wrote: »

!!

My only frustration is that I KNOW for sure that we are in the same place - we have had numerous, sensible conversations about it!!! And I know that he wants to ask me at some point....but this conversation started in August 2010 and I am still waiting....the suspense is killing me.:rotfl:
If he knows he wants to do it, why take this long to actually ask?!!

My H2B said he'd built it up in his head to be something sooo big he never thought he could actually ask. Then on a holiday together he just thought 'right i'm going to do it'. He then said he wished he'd done it sooner but he just thought it was bigger than it was.

Well that's one blokes view on why it takes so long some times.....

BugglyB

Idiophreak wrote: »

As a man, I think "crazy" is a bit harsh, but at the same time...If a man started a thread in the same vain saying "Waiting for sex..." about his relationship with his girlfriend, you'd all be advising them to be patient, that people move at different speeds, etc....If he started complaining that her keeping her legs together was causing him "emotional turmoil", I imagine it would be met with some quite sharp responses...

Would they, though? If someone posted to say they'd been with their girlfriend 8 years and she didn't want to have sex with them? I think most people would be saying get a new girlfriend!

Chick

Wow, what an amazing thread!

I've been reading through it and so much of it rings true for me...ha ha yes I'm not engaged or planning a wedding but somehow I've come across this thread, stalking the weddings board.;)

I have been with my OH for just over 3 years now, we've only really talked seriously about marriage, weddings, babies etc in the last year or so but we did have more jokey conversations about it earlier on in the relationship. Plus, we moved in together a year ago- this is a really significant step in any relationship I reckon.

It's good to read through and realise that I'm not the only one feeling like I'm going a bit bonkers! For me, it's more the being certain & knowing that we are heading in the same direction and want the same things rather than thinking "I want a wedding in 6 months time"

Ha ha it has been so true that all weddings we have been to recently (over the last year or so) it has always been the case where people say "it'll be you two next" and "when's your big day?".

For me, the bigger thing is that I've come to the realisation that my biological clock has started ticking rather loudly!
I'm 33, the OH is 30 and never before have I really seriously thought about having children or getting married, that is, I always felt I'd be married one day but I never had the whole dream from childhood, with the dream dress and the day all planned out.

I did always imagine I'd be married +/- kids by the age of 30 but in a more abstract way- not sure with who, or where, but I knew it would probably pan out that way. Life is funny eh?

It's so true as well that it doesn't help when people you know get engaged after 1 year together, or friends fall pregnant after barely 18 months together...don't get me wrong, I feel so happy for them but I want a bit of that for myself as well

It's only since I finished my studies this summer that I've articulated how I feel to my OH- before, I put so much pressure on myself to get through the course that it wasn't something on the radar.

I really feel for some of the posters on here, I want to be certain that he feels the same way but at the same time I really don't want to freak him out and so push him away.

I want him to ask me to marry him because he feels ready and wants to, not because he thinks it's what I want or I have somehow bullied him into it...I realise that I def just have to chill out and go with the flow, reading through this thread has made me realise how we ladies can come across as a bit too full-on, me definitely included!:o

Here's to going with the flow, and maybe being surprised when we least expect it!:)

jtr2803

Idiophreak...I am grateful for your rational posts on this thread. I do understand the point you are trying to make in your recent example and wholeheartedly agree with what you said about people being 'ready' at different stages of their lives but I also disagree. I am not sure if it the example of sex that you have given is not a good one to use but I can assure you if I read a post on here where a (male) OP said they have been together for X period of time and the girlfriend wouldn't entertain intimacy I think I would be suggesting they question the validity of their relationship, I appreciate that it's a bit of a hypothetical situation and the time scale involved would also affect the suggestion.

I know I am in fear of sounding old before my time but if my boyfriend is ready to live with me, ready to be intimate with me and ready to accept my love and support then why isn't he ready to make that commitment, does that not smack a little of wanting to have your cake and eat it? I have openly admitted on this thread that I have an innate fear that, despite him telling me he does want to marry me, he will never propose or actually sanction a wedding. How long do you wait for someone to be ready? What if that person never becomes ready despite assuring you that it was in their life plan? That, along with the despair of feeling like you are not good enough to fulfill the wife role is really quite depressing. If my other half thought that we hadn't been together long enough to get married or was worried about having a public wedding etc then I can accept that, it's having no idea why it's not happening that's hard to deal with, especially when you get to an age where it is happening for a number of people around you.

I try not to be crazy about it and I try my best to accept that not everyone has the same time scale as me but it's bl00dy hard sometimes

jtr2803

Chick wrote: »

Wow, what an amazing thread!

I've been reading through it and so much of it rings true for me...ha ha yes I'm not engaged or planning a wedding but somehow I've come across this thread, stalking the weddings board.;)

I have been with my OH for just over 3 years now, we've only really talked seriously about marriage, weddings, babies etc in the last year or so but we did have more jokey conversations about it earlier on in the relationship. Plus, we moved in together a year ago- this is a really significant step in any relationship I reckon.

It's good to read through and realise that I'm not the only one feeling like I'm going a bit bonkers! For me, it's more the being certain & knowing that we are heading in the same direction and want the same things rather than thinking "I want a wedding in 6 months time"

Ha ha it has been so true that all weddings we have been to recently (over the last year or so) it has always been the case where people say "it'll be you two next" and "when's your big day?".

For me, the bigger thing is that I've come to the realisation that my biological clock has started ticking rather loudly!
I'm 33, the OH is 30 and never before have I really seriously thought about having children or getting married, that is, I always felt I'd be married one day but I never had the whole dream from childhood, with the dream dress and the day all planned out.

I did always imagine I'd be married +/- kids by the age of 30 but in a more abstract way- not sure with who, or where, but I knew it would probably pan out that way. Life is funny eh?

It's so true as well that it doesn't help when people you know get engaged after 1 year together, or friends fall pregnant after barely 18 months together...don't get me wrong, I feel so happy for them but I want a bit of that for myself as well

It's only since I finished my studies this summer that I've articulated how I feel to my OH- before, I put so much pressure on myself to get through the course that it wasn't something on the radar.

I really feel for some of the posters on here, I want to be certain that he feels the same way but at the same time I really don't want to freak him out and so push him away.

I want him to ask me to marry him because he feels ready and wants to, not because he thinks it's what I want or I have somehow bullied him into it...I realise that I def just have to chill out and go with the flow, reading through this thread has made me realise how we ladies can come across as a bit too full-on, me definitely included!:o

Here's to going with the flow, and maybe being surprised when we least expect it!:)

Welcome to the thread, as you can see, you certainly are not alone :rotfl:

Although I vent on here fairly frequently I try not to say much at all at home for fear of being too pressuring! It's such a balancing act though.

Chick

Thanks JTR! It does make me feel a lot better to know that there are others out there who feel the same and are going through the same thing.

For now I've resolved to drop the topic about weddings, marriage etc unless my OH or someone else brings it up. I know I don't come across as very rational when we do have conversations.

I've surprised myself as I've never had these strong feelings before or these types of talks when I was in previous relationships.
I definitely think it's an age thing...and of course, knowing that my OH is definitely the one for me...
I've had a few previous long-term/serious relationships and even though I was 'in love' I never had thoughts about marriage, kids etc...it was all too far off and unfocused.

I also admit that another thing that drives on my fear is my age- I would like to have children in the near-ish future, I'd prefer to be married beforehand but if not it's not the end of the world.

Also, I'm totally aware that having kids is not a question of going "ok it's the right time now, let's get on with it"...I've seen how becoming/remaining pregnant can be such a struggle- a friend had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic before finally having her sons.
I don't want to be in my late 30s struggling to conceive or suffering complications...if there are problems I'd rather know sooner than later. But, hey this is a topic for another thread entirely...

I get a bit frustrated when I think how I don't have the luxury of several years to contemplate children...my irrational worry is that my OH will meet someone younger than him (he's 3 years younger than me) who won't go on about wanting children/marriage & sound generally batsh*t crazy!!:rotfl:

Ahhhhh, good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way- even if what I'm feeling & thinking is not entirely rational, at least I'm not alone!

Idiophreak

jtr2803 wrote: »

Idiophreak...I am grateful for your rational posts on this thread. I do understand the point you are trying to make in your recent example and wholeheartedly agree with what you said about people being 'ready' at different stages of their lives but I also disagree. I am not sure if it the example of sex that you have given is not a good one to use but I can assure you if I read a post on here where a (male) OP said they have been together for X period of time and the girlfriend wouldn't entertain intimacy I think I would be suggesting they question the validity of their relationship, I appreciate that it's a bit of a hypothetical situation and the time scale involved would also affect the suggestion.

I do agree, of course, that sex is a smaller commitment - and so would probably have to be done much faster before there was cause for concern - I was just putting it forward as another example of people moving at different speeds. I think men and women have quite different expectations of "acceptable time-frames" both for sex and weddings

Obviously the emotions etc involved in marriage are much greater - but that's the very reason you have to be that much more patient. Would you really want your boyfriend to propose before he was fully ready to? Would you want to pressure him into it?

A lot of the girls on this thread just seem to take it personally, or think that their boyfriend not being ready says something about them - which I just don't think is the case.

I was with my wife for ten years before I proposed. To be fair, a good deal of that time we were at school / uni, so there wasn't really much money around for a proposal..But that wasn't the only reason I didn't do it. I wanted to see how we lived together, how we grew together over a number of years and...something that I simply had no control over..I just wasn't "there" yet.

Nothing changed to get me "there", either...Literally, I just woke up one morning and thought "it's not so scary" and that was that. I don't think my wife ever really got that frustrated, because our relationship was always moving forward, always looking for the next step and marriage was just the next step that we'd take when we were both ready.

findingmyownway

Idiophreak wrote: »

I was with my wife for ten years before I proposed. To be fair, a good deal of that time we were at school / uni,

I think that is a key difference Idio. 10 years from age 16 to 26 (a guess, but can't be too far off) takes you to a very average and socially acceptable time to get married with lots of leeway for a family over the next 10 years.

I get the impression many posters on here are in 2nd or 3rd 'long term' relationships, rapidly heading for 30-35. In that situation, weddings and babies need to fit into a fixed (yet unknown) timescale, hence the concerns around years 'wasted' on men who don't want the same things.