Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

newthrift

Well I have not read all the way through just a little bit, but I am glad I'm not the only one :rotfl:
Me and my BF have been together 5 years in January, we have lived together just over 3 years and are both very happy. We have discussed our future in depth and both agree we would like to get married next year (End August/Sept) HOWEVER he thinks you can plan in 6months, based on what we want and photographer and marquee people we want ideally we require 12months... WELL he would like to purchase another house to rent out, then there is 3 properties rented and it's an extra security, which I will say I completely agree with and am on board, however I am just busting to get married, as is he, especially since he was best man at his mates wedding last month. He mentioned this weekend that we will look to go and buy the engagement ring together over the next month, possibly going to the jewellery quarter at brum but then it is going away and I am not to know when he decides to pop the question, I have Christmas, my birthday in Jan then there is valentines I just don't know when or where or how he will do it, so excited

sazpot

newthrift wrote: »

Well I have not read all the way through just a little bit, but I am glad I'm not the only one :rotfl:
Me and my BF have been together 5 years in January, we have lived together just over 3 years and are both very happy. We have discussed our future in depth and both agree we would like to get married next year (End August/Sept) HOWEVER he thinks you can plan in 6months, based on what we want and photographer and marquee people we want ideally we require 12months... WELL he would like to purchase another house to rent out, then there is 3 properties rented and it's an extra security, which I will say I completely agree with and am on board, however I am just busting to get married, as is he, especially since he was best man at his mates wedding last month. He mentioned this weekend that we will look to go and buy the engagement ring together over the next month, possibly going to the jewellery quarter at brum but then it is going away and I am not to know when he decides to pop the question, I have Christmas, my birthday in Jan then there is valentines I just don't know when or where or how he will do it, so excited

We had a similar conversation in May about getting married next Summer and we agreed neither of us wanted the stress of a long engagement with family and friends wanting to talk about nothing else and all having a say. The one thing I did mention was that it would be difficult to get a venue the right size on a suitable date at short notice as we had many constraints (other friends weddings, big birthdays, harvest, number of guests).

What we did was provisionally book a date with a venue for the ceremony and agree to leave it there and not tell anyone else just yet. He sent the first e-mail to the venue and has been to visit it with me. It was important to me that he made the first step and it wasn't me pushing him, I didn't want to be that girl!

It left 7-8 months for him to choose how and went to propose so he could still have the element of surprise and I could think about what we really wanted and do my own research ready to book things nearer the time.

I am still waiting for the proposal but the 18th July still seems a long time away. He tried shopping for the ring many times without me so that it could be a surprised but he ended up taking me to Birmingham to help pick. I picked the same diamond he had almost bought the week before and had the ring design tweaked. It will be ready on 24th October and he is refusing to let me pick it up with him. I'm going to go crazy waiting if he puts it off too long after then!

waiting450

Hi all. I hope you dont mind me joining in? I've been reading this thread on and off for about 3 months, starting when I realised I really want to go get married!

The situation is this, I've been together for three years with an older man who has been married before. He has grown up children and was well in the process of divorce when I met him.

They had been together for a long time, but it was pretty loveless from what he has told me (of course I only know what he has told me but I believe it).

Anyway, we are very happy together and until a few months ago I was happy with how things were, but then I realised its likely he will never want to get married again.

He has been completely resistant when people mention us getting married in our group of friends, getting quite annoyed by them (I just stay silent on the topic).

I'm just not sure what to do now. I don't want to mention it or nag at all. I want him to ask me because he wants it, but what if he never does?

I love him, but I want to be married, I want him to make it official. I know that sounds terribly selfish and from his perspective everything is good as it is (obviously), but I feel like I have this terrible ache inside of me that wont go away and it brings back serious episodes of self loathing I've had in the past (why am I not good enough? How come everyone else gets asked, what is wrong with me? etc.).

How do I escape this? Ideas welcome.

When_the_going_gets_tough

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. Forget the hearts and flowers you both need to be clear what the other one is thinking on such an important issue. he may not want to ever marry again - which is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You can then decide whether this is a deal breaker for you now or in the future.

waiting450

Yes I thought you might suggest that...

It seems to go against my ideas of what the reason behind the proposal should be. If we talk about it then he will feel pressured into doing it or he wont and then I will feel pressured to leave.

I think it is a deal breaker for me.

We talk about everything else, but I want this to be him. I know that sounds awful, like I am some passive participant in our relationship. I'm not. I don't really know how to explain it really.

I guess I am left with waiting. It feels like I'm underwater holding my breath seeing how long it will last at the moment.

When_the_going_gets_tough

I do get that. But perhaps you need to find out how he feels about marriage in general - as in he would or would not consider it for the second time. Maybe you need to be clear that being married is your long term intention or goal - even if not to him. What I mean is depersonalise it...... You also need to decide how long you can hold your breath for....?

pigpen

Waiting.. I was the same.. I was getting a messy divorce, OH and I got together.. we have 3 small children now so he isn't ever getting away from me no matter how fast he can run .. and I honestly said I did not want to get married again ever, 5 years ago and I meant it... in the last 6 months or so I have been rethinking and actually might like to be married again now.. My OH is impossible to get any straight answers out of he just shrugs or grunts and ignores the questions so I really don't know what to do.. he said too that he never wants to get married, he has never been married either.. but I feel like I have no name.. I can use my dads surname who I dislike intensely or my XH name who I don't want to be associated with.. neither feels like 'my' name so taking OH's would make a difference to that, it would also make the girls surnames sensible, at the moment they have both names and it is stupid long.

So what do you do? You wait it out.. give him a bit more time, he may, like I have change his mind.


I have decided on service, dress, location-ish, type of ceremony and also decided that no one would be coming.. just me, him and probably our 3 girls.. no fuss, no pomp and definitely no parties!!

I do wonder now though if it is marriage he is against or me ..

FBaby

I guess I am left with waiting. It feels like I'm underwater holding my breath seeing how long it will last at the moment.

waiting, I understand what you mean, but have you considered that unless you do let him know that you would very much want to be married, that if he doesn't himself, and doesn't believe that you do, that he will never see any reasons to consider it?

PrettyKittyKat

Hey everyone,

I have been lurking on this thread for many many months and I thought it was about time I joined in! I have got myself a brand spanking new username to protect my identity (don't tell anyone but I'm a superhero!) haha

My history... been with the partner almost two years.... lived together about 8 months now (I moved into his house). Extremely happy together, I really feel like I have found a right person for me. He isn't bothered about marriage either way, so no 'yes I definitely want to do it' but no 'I will never do it', he would he happy to do either basically. He is aware of how important I feel marriage is and I want to be married before we have children... so now it is the waiting game! I am worried that, as he isn't bothered either way about marriage, he will not take the initiative to propose! But only time will tell I suppose.

I am so glad there are other people feeling the way I do - I do worry I am crazy sometimes haha!

waiting450

Thanks for the support guys and welcome to pkk!


I have said in the past I want to get married as I don't want children so it mentioned as part of that conversation.


I have decided to take a new tack and try to stop worrying about it and get out and do more stuff just me and my mates. Stop making life so easy and "married" for him basically. Have some fun and enjoy myself and hope that he wakes up sometime soon!