Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

lucky_charm_2

Well I don't really know what to think after today. I've been thinking about the M word a lot recently, went out with my friends last night one is engaged the other is married, it was the first time the married one had referred to her OH as 'husband' and it kind of stings that I don't have a husband or even fianc! after 8 years still just a 'boyfriend', also OH says he can't put me on his life insurance policy as we're not married or living together (I don't actually care about being on it or not it's more the fact that even after 8 years I don't 'qualify' to be on it) and then today my dad asked why my OH can't sign my passport application, I said because he's my partner, and my dad said 'well he's not really your partner yet'! Well what is he then?!

Anyway had a lovely day with my OH today chilling out and I mentioned a house I saw that looks nice (we are hoping to buy a house in a year or 2 once I finish my current post and get a permanent job) in the area we were thinking of, obviously way too early yet but I wanted to see what he thought of the style. We were talking about it for a while and then there was some point in the conversation where I said 'the only thing is I'd like to be engaged before we move in together' and then he said 'we can get engaged if you want I don't mind' !!!:eek:

Didn't really know what to say, I think some people might take that as a proposal but I never imagined a proposal containing the phrase 'I don't mind'! So I think I said 'you don't mind? I'd rather wait til you want to.' Then I went on about how being engaged leads to being married so its quite important that it's something you want to do and then he mentioned again how he'd like to live together first to see how we get on before we got engaged and I was feeling :mad: because I feel like after 8 years if he's still waiting to see if we can get on ok he and i have to wait another year or two or more before he's sure I feel a bit strung along! He did backtrack though and say he was sure we would be able to live together but it's things like the fact that I hate that he leaves the toilet seat up that he's worried about- I was like if that's our biggest issue I think we'll cope! Then his mum came in and we talked about the house again and he seemed to have forgotten all about the E word and I didn't mention it again.

So I still don't really know where I stand! On the one hand I feel like the more I mention things the more he comes round to the idea but on the other I don't want to push him into anything and want him to feel ready, but then if he 'doesn't mind' maybe he does feel ready? :rotfl: totally overanalysing it all but I don't really want to talk to anyone in real life about it. All I really want is to know that it's going to happen within a certain timeframe and I will patiently wait (well, you know with some degree of patience at least ) but waiting with no idea of if or when is too hard for me, I'm a control freak that way!

FBaby

Poor you, it must be so confusing.

The way I read it is that he knows he will be spending the rest of his life with you, so is fine with the idea of you being engaged, but he wants to insure that the other parts are in place before getting married.

In a way, he is right about the living together, not to 'see' if you can actually live together, but so that the inevitable transition takes place before you are married. Some people need little transition, but some need much more time especially when they have been used to living alone for a while.

I hadn't realised before I moved in with my fiance that he had serious tendencies towards OCD. I knew he liked order and tidiness, but what I hadn't considered was that mess didn't just upset him but sent him in a real state of anxiety. The problem was that meeting his standards sent me in a state of anxiety (he used to freak out for things as simple as leaving a cupboard door open!).

It did take some time before we find a routine that suited us both. I have accepted how important some things were to him and even though I felt under pressure at the beginning, it has now become routine (making sure the curtains are closed just before it gets dark!) and I don't feel stressed any longer about it. He himself has calmed down a lot.

All this to say that we had to get through this before we were confident we would be ok sharing the rest of our lives together. Maybe you feel it wouldn't be an issue, but he does? Men tend to be especially anxious at the prospect of being nagged (thinking of the loo seat comment).

This brings to my question: Why is it you are still not living together? Isn't it possible to consider it before you buy a property together and get married? I feel that your OH has no emotional issues at the prospect of marrying you, more concerns about semantics, which makes me think that it might be time for you to be a bit more in control? Maybe you can bring up the issue of being engaged again and say that you would love it if he asked you to marry him and maybe discussing ways you could live together earlier than in 2 years time?

lucky_charm_2

Thanks very much for your reply. I can't live with him yet unfortunately, wasn't sure how many details to give as it might make it really obvious if anyone i know ever reads this who I am but oh well hopefully they won't!

The reason is my job, which means I have to work at the other side of the country, so I rent a flat where I work, and he stays with his parents in our hometown where he works. My parents stay really close to his parents so I come home every weekend and stay at home with them so we can both see each other. It's not ideal at all but I had to take this job as it is necessary for me to be able to work in the in the profession I studied to be in and I couldn't get one in a commutable distance from home. So I need to do a certain length of contract (still over a year left) and then I'll be able to apply for jobs back home. The job market for the career I am trained in is terrible at the moment so even once I do finish this job and start looking for another it could take a long time- we plan to start looking for a house as soon as I have full time, permanent work at a commutable distance from my home town but that could well even be over 2 years from now. OH has an OK salary but not the kind of money that we could move out on his wage alone.

I'm only 26 which I know is young but to me it's not that young and I've been ready to go up a level in comitment with OH for a few years now. Out of interest how long had you been with your OH before you lived together? The reason I ask is that we will likely have been together 10 years by the time we move in together, plus we are choosing to buy a house because by that time we will want to be on the property ladder, so I still don't really get that he wants to see what it's like when we live together before getting engaged because to me that's like saying I feel enough commitment to buy a property with you, but once we do I might not like living with you, I am still not sure after 8/9/10 years, and if I don't like it I'll leave and we'll sell the house again. I honestly can't see him ever leaving me but it makes me panic that we could be together for so long and then at the age of say 28 or 29 I could be left heartbroken, forced to move out of a house I had painstakingly and lovingly picked with him and forced to move back in with my parents. I don't actually think that living with him will be plain sailing (I think based on what I know of him I'll have to do all the cleaning, nag him about helping with the cleaning or hire a cleaner none of which are ideal) but I love him and I'm trying not to look at this through rise tinted glasses and to be pragmatic and think, we will move through these things and work it out. Whereas he says things like 'I hope you won't nag when we live together' and sometimes I think he wants it to be perfect and harmonious or he won't be happy with it and I know it is just not going to be like that, we have fights now and again now, that will still happen and they will likely even get worse at first til we find a balance that suits, and I am at the stage where I'm ready to work at it for better or for worse. It just hurts to think he isn't at that stage yet, and it is so hard thinking that I just need to wait for an indefinite time before be is. The other thing is we want to have children and we both want to be married before then and after I told him the stats around fertility he agreed that we should try for our first child before I'm 30 so I feel like there's a ticking clock over my head on that front too.

FBaby

I totally understand your situation and I think you have made the right decision, it is very difficult to go back on a career path, it is however much easier to progress and increase your income when you have. It also shows that both of you are totally committed to be secure in a long term relationship.

I can totally understand why it would mean so much for you to be engaged at this stage. If you were engaged now, you could start planning to rent something together and spend that time looking for your ideal home and planning your wedding. The timing would be quite perfect really.

I personally do believe that it is important if possible to live together before marriage, again, not to test whether you can live together, but because you get over the almost inevitable squabbles and frustrations with adjusting to living together and making compromises and this way, you can start married life more at ease.

In my case, things were a bit different because we are both in our 40s. We met 4 1/2 years ago, planned to move in together within 6 months, but issues with house sale, then an expansion meant that it took 18 months! The first year was definitely a bit of a shock for both of us, nothing bad, but definitely some work to adjust to each other. We talked about getting married early in our relationship, more seriously when we moved in together, agreed on this September last summer and finally was officially asked in March!

I think in your shoes, I would start the 'hinting' mode! (although even then, it can take them a bit of time to realise that we are indeed serious!)

74jax

lucky_charm wrote: »

then he mentioned again how he'd like to live together first to see how we get on before we got engaged and I was feeling :mad: because I feel like after 8 years if he's still waiting to see if we can get on ok he and i have to wait another year or two or more before he's sure I feel a bit strung along! He did backtrack though and say he was sure we would be able to live together but it's things like the fact that I hate that he leaves the toilet seat up that he's worried about- I was like if that's our biggest issue I think we'll cope! Then his mum came in and we talked about the house again and he seemed to have forgotten all about the E word and I didn't mention it again.

I was with my OH for 6 years and didn't live with him. I wouldn't live together without being engaged.

I asked him to marry me and he said no - because we didn't know if we could live together.....

This sounds similar to your situation.

I agreed we would live together for 1 year and if he didn't want to marry me after the 1 years then as heartbroken as I would be, I would have to call it off. I just didn't want to live with someone and not get married.

Could you try that?

Lozzy88

Well I think me and my partner have done everything back to front lol, I moved in with him 3 weeks after meeting him.

With in 4 months I was pregnant, he asked me to marry him, so we were engaged..... then our Dd was born and after about 6 months he said we should plan our wedding.

This made me have a massive panic attack, that morning after he left for work I got mine and my dd`s stuff and moved 100 miles away back in with my dad.

3 months later I was diagnoised with idiopathic intercranial hypertension, not too serious but involes hospital stays and regular lumbar punctures. It was then we decided to get back together but just as bf/gf :cool:

Gradually we moved closer to my family had 2 more children.

5 and a half years since meeting him he still asks me to marry him every month almost lol and every month I tell him not yet and nothing more is said for a few weeks :rotfl:

I think I couldn't stand the attention that a wedding brings, also there is loads of family I would not invite because I don't like them.

When I am ready I think I will ask him, and I won't be waiting for a leap year :-)

lucky_charm_2

74jax wrote: »

I was with my OH for 6 years and didn't live with him. I wouldn't live together without being engaged.

I asked him to marry me and he said no - because we didn't know if we could live together.....

This sounds similar to your situation.

I agreed we would live together for 1 year and if he didn't want to marry me after the 1 years then as heartbroken as I would be, I would have to call it off. I just didn't want to live with someone and not get married.

Could you try that?

It does sound similar to us, and I maybe wouldn't mind trying living together first if we were going to live together right now but because we can't live together for at least 1.5 years and we've been together 8 years already I just feel like it's not fair to be with someone 10 years or more before you decide if you want to go ahead with the relationship as it feels like you are wasting their time and all those times he has said that he loves me and wants to be with me forever and have children with me etc would be a sham and I'd feel strung along. I have spent nearly 1/3 of my life, and the whole of my adult life with him and we love each other and have been through loads of hard times together. To me we can face anything in the future together as long as we are willing to try. I am just waiting for him to feel the same way, I feel like once he is ready for the commitment of marriage it will be the sign that he feels the same way I feel, i.e that we can get through things together for better or for worse.

redfragglebiker

HE PROPOSED!!!!!! I am so excited right now I could squeak! It was the perfect proposal in a place really special to us and he played our favorite song on his mobile and got down on one knee with a ring in his hand!!!
Little did I know he'd been thinking about a year and a lads weekend away cemented it for him as a couple of the guys are getting married soon!
He'd even checked my ring size so not only is the ring BEAUTIFUL but it fits perfectly!

lucky_charm_2

Congratulations!

redfragglebiker

Aww thank you lucky_charm! After 5 years I was starting to wonder if he ever would! Little did I know he's been thinking about it for over a year hence him being a bit evasive whenever I tried to talk about it!