Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

squ1rrel5

On the subject of living together, we bought a house last year - having pretty much lived together since day 1... both rented our own places but stayed over almost every night at either house - made sense to cut the rent and bills and buy somewhere....
Since the start we spoke about kids more than marriage but knew it was on the cards as both want to be married before kids come along...
You all know we are TTC so marriage is inevitable at some point soon.... even though we both want to get married on our own I still dont want to be waddling along to the registry office or wherever we go!!! :-)

When I bought a house with ex-H, I made it a deal that we had to be engaged first but by waiting for the proposal (which so wasnt worth it) we missed out on the lull in house prices and by the time we came to buy somewhere the prices had shot up - we couldnt afford to live where we wanted and ended up buying somewhere in a location that I hated.

Luckily when the idiot left the market had gone up a lot and we managed to make a bit of money on it which helped when buying a house with the lovely OH I have now.

I do think living together makes men more comfortable though as they have all the 'benefits' without having to get a ring on your finger first, like in the good old days! I wouldnt want to marry someone without living with them first though - that's be pretty scary!!!! :eek:

duchesspink1

its the 29th feb soon so instead of waiting, you do the proposing!

I was with my BF for 3 years and I told him one night (after waiting for a non existant proposal) that I was getting married on Nov 8th the following year and if he wanted to be the groom then great but if not, then i'd soon find someone that did. We went ring shopping a week later and that was it all decided.

I honestly wouldn't have waited any longer, as someone said, why is it the female that has to bide her time and wait, you can't be half married and its not an equal relationship if one wants marriage and the other says "some day" but does nothing about it.

I'd be away like a shot and find someone that would want to give me the marriage I deserved.

mazy_m

Do you know the one thing that hurt/p***ed me off the most about us not getting married? That OUR pet house rabbit has HIS surname!![/QUOTE]


Ha ha that proper cracked me up!!!! OH was like what on earth are you snorting at!!:rotfl:

I got in there first I took our cat to the vets first so he had my surname and I always call him Smokey ********** not his name he he!!

However when we moved to London and he took him to the vets he put him down as his name and tried to get that to stick......I reminded him that for his insurance and the microchip petlog thing he'll always have my name!!:beer:

rdchick

Bombshell alert

On the way home we were talking about a colleague of ours who's wife is at her due date today...

He then says 'I don't think I want kids'

WHAT?!

We have names for our kids... Max and Hannah... And now he doesn't want them.

Says he doesn't think he would want to make the sacrifices you have to make to raise a child, the freedom you give up and the money the cost...

I am devastated. I don't know what to do.

I am maternal and think I would make a great mum and am very much looking forward to having kids... And now he doesn't want them.

What on earth do I do now?! Xxx

AllyS

rdchick wrote: »

Bombshell alert

On the way home we were talking about a colleague of ours who's wife is at her due date today...

He then says 'I don't think I want kids'

WHAT?!

We have names for our kids... Max and Hannah... And now he doesn't want them.

Says he doesn't think he would want to make the sacrifices you have to make to raise a child, the freedom you give up and the money the cost...

I am devastated. I don't know what to do.



I am maternal and think I would make a great mum and am very much looking forward to having kids... And now he doesn't want them.

What on earth do I do now?! Xxx

Omg I am sorry, you have to speak to him soon as hun - hugs xxx

squ1rrel5

Gosh RD am so sorry to hear that.... I know you dont want to hear this but this is the same thing that happened with my exH.
Before we were married we planned our future family, picking out names and everything, then after we were married and I was literally about to come off the pill, we were having an argument and he just blurted out 'I dont want kids, never have never will'
I didnt know what to say....just upset me so much as I was so ready to have them then and thought my future was sorted.
Turns out he was having an affair anyway and just looking for a way out so to this day I dont know if he ever meant what he said but it was one of the things in my life that as hurt me the most....

I cant remember how young you said you were but if you think this is something that he truly means (or whether it's something he'll grow into) you need to find out asap in case you're heading down a route that will only end in tears later on.....
I'm sure it's only something he is saying because he is still young and has lots of stuff he wants to do before having a family (I am sure you might feel like this too) but you need to know whether it is a forever thing or not.... as hard as it is, you really need to ask him to tell you how he REALLY feels.... because it will only make you feel worse if you go on pretending that he might change his mind in the future and then 10 years down the line he doesnt and you've wasted all that time just waiting....

I've just read that back.... I hope it doesnt sound too harsh as Im sure you dont need that.... just trying to apply my experience to your situation as I know how difficult those words are to hear

Hugs xx

rdchick

Thanks guys, had it out with him... Still haven't got a definitive answer but still...

He says he wants to make sure he has everything all in place before having kids, like enough money in the bank to support them throughout it, a secure job, a house of our own etc etc and I said yes of course that's what I want to but I KNOW I want kids, there's no two ways about it. He said he wasnt sure.

I am 23 and he is 29 on Monday. He is dreading growing up and I think this is where it all lies... No proposal no kids etc etc

Another thing is he could be scared to commit because I am applying to join the RAF in November and it means I will have to go to Birmingham for 3 years to study nursing.

Now I want commitment by then (this is my cut off point, next september) if we are not engaged then what is the point of commuting down each week to see him... Sounds heartless but if he can't give commitment then what is the point? We would have been together 3 years by then, lived together for the vast majority of that time... By which you should know if you're gonna marry them or not so next September is my ultimatum time.

I am devastated as it's everything I knew to be blown up in my face but we shall see... Could just be cold feet... I dunno...

Thanks for the hugs
Xxx

jtr2803

RDchick, I am sorry to hear about your new conundrum, children are one of those things that you just cannot compromise on, you either have them or you don't...there is no in-between! I think it is better that your OH is honest with you about them because it would be much worse if you got another 2/3 years down the line and you then found out.

My OH is 33 this year but has no interest in doing 'grown up' things, the thought of a £200k mortgage scares the bejesus out of him and so does the thought of having the responsibility of children. I used to think I wanted more children but actually, as I have gotten older, I have gone off the idea because we are quite a selfish couple and we like our lazy weekends and long haul holidays! OH did have a brief phase of wanting children and we even discussed names etc but I know deep down it's probably not what he wants. We did have it out when I went through a broody stage and I told him outright that if I got to the point where I was adamant I wanted a baby, and that I knew I was in a stable financial and emotional position, I would leave him if he wouldn't coerce . He eventually decided that he would have children before he ever let me leave. Men can change their minds about these things so often and I think it's right that your OH gives it proper thought and shares his concerns with you. Most men don't have the biological urge that women do, partly because unlike us, they can reproduce at almost any stage of their life where we don't get that luxury.

cgk1

Best to find out now rather than having children and have him run out on you or hang around and resent you and the kids (and then complain endlessly to his mates down the pub about how trapped he is - I think the female posters on here would be amazed on how much of that stuff us childless males have to hear from our mates).

rdchick

I'm glad I know but it was a bolt out of the blue, it was something we always talked about but now he's not sure...

We will see...