Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

I_am_mad

I was with my fiance for 3 years when he proposed to me on the same day which we met first new years eve. We have been together for 7 and a half years now and are getting married next august after 8 and a half years together

cgk1

This thread has made me think of a friend of mine - I know a lot of women friends think they are being 'helpful' when they saying to a man "oh you and XX should get married" but a lot of men don't like to be pushed and it puts their back up and if they *were* going to ask, then it puts them off.

So anyway, we were at a dinner and two of the women kept saying "oh you and Sarah should get married", "oh when are you going to pop the question to Sarah" and he simply turned to them and said "I'm not going to ask, so why don't you mind your own business, oh and by the way did you know that she [points to one of them] was screwing your husband last year".

Worst dinner party ever.

74jax

cgk1 wrote: »

This thread has made me think of a friend of mine - I know a lot of women friends think they are being 'helpful' when they saying to a man "oh you and XX should get married" but a lot of men don't like to be pushed and it puts their back up and if they *were* going to ask, then it puts them off.

So anyway, we were at a dinner and two of the women kept saying "oh you and Sarah should get married", "oh when are you going to pop the question to Sarah" and he simply turned to them and said "I'm not going to ask, so why don't you mind your own business, oh and by the way did you know that she [points to one of them] was screwing your husband last year".

Worst dinner party ever.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In a sadistic way, I'd have liked to have been a fly on the wall!

verandi

jtr2803 wrote: »

I think I always had in my head that I would be married by 30 and seeing as it's 9 months away it is unlikely. I know a lot of women who have 'goals' to have reached by the time they are 30 so I know I am not a total fruitloop.

Ugh, thank goodness I'm not alone. I'm 30 in 4 months and have always imagined I'd be married and have kids by 30. Here I am not even engaged. I know it's not the end of the world, I KNOW that deep down. But it still makes me feel a sadness in my heart when I think about it, that's the only way I can describe that feeling.

zcrat41 wrote: »

I think a lot of reason women put the pressure on is the old biological clock. I wouldn't have children outside of marriage. Personal choice. But because of that it made it pretty vital we got engaged now I'm knocking 30.

It doesn't help that I used to come across a lot of couples in my old job where women in their 30s had to have a lot of IVF to have children, and that a friend of mine was telling me recently about how she waited til 30 to try for a baby and was then told she was too late. They've tried IVF and it isn't working. She was desparately trying to tell me that if it's what I want, I shouldn't wait. And I know it's completely irrational to think that I might be one of the unlucky ones, but I worry about it a lot

I was planning on proposing to my OH on his birthday last November, I sent off for a ring sizer and started looking at ring ideas online (and *accidentally* ended up spending ages looking at diamond rings and picking exactly which one I liked best oops). But then a few weeks beforehand we were at a family party for an anniversary and someone from his family pointed at the wedding video and said "that'll be you soon" or something similar, and he laughed and said "not for a few years yet I hope!". So that was that, I didn't do it.

It also doesn't help that a few months after we got together we were talking about another couple who'd got engaged after 2 and a half years together. And he said he couldn't imagine being with me for 2 years and not being engaged yet. But here I am 2 and a half years later. He probably doesn't even remember saying it and it probably doesn't mean anything, but it makes me worry his feelings might have changed since he said that, even though things still feel the same.

Argh, it's so irrational. I know it is, and I hate that I let it get to me. I don't hint to him, I don't mention it at all and I'm not going to. If he never asks and we never get married then so be it. I would still want to be with him for the rest of my life. He's a few years younger than me and maybe he's just not even thinking of it yet. But as a soon-to-be 30 year old, I am thinking of nothing but. Bleh

belfast_girl

For me it was about waiting for a proposal, but when it would happen.

OH and I got together in Jan 2008

Decided that we would get engaged in Nov 2009

Dec 2009 - went out and looked at engagement rings. Picked one I liked and he paid for it.

Feb 2010 - Picked the ring up from the shop - ring was ready at start of Jan but OH didn't want to collect until end Feb

June 2010 - OH finally asked the question.

I had the ring, from Feb to June but couldn't tell anyone about it or even wear it! When OH did finally ask me to marry him I asked for the ring to which his reply was ‘Where did you put it?’

Think OH liked the thought of making me wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little_Miss_Shopaholic

Me and My boyfriend got together two and a half years ago, we have known each other for five years but it took ages for us to get together for various reasons. From the beginning we talked about getting married and starting a family. He moved in to my house after six months and we have been very happy ever since.

During our discussions about getting married I found an engagement ring I loved on the internet and described it to him (I was worried if he got one I did not like it would be obvious in my face) He was able to tell me where I had found it and how much it cost as he had already decided it was the one he was going to get.

Last summer while having a sneaky look at it on the internet again I realised that it was on offer and was probably going to be discontinued so we went and had my finger measured and he bought it.

I thought, its ok the proposal will be forthcoming soon but it wasn't. We had lots of discussions about it but he just kept saying he would do it in his own time, I pointed out that I am not getting any younger (I'm nearly 34 and he is 30) and that we need to be married before we have children otherwise we never will marry because the money will always been needed for something else. We talked lots about wedding venues and ideas etc but still no proposal.

I found the more I went on about it the more he backed off, he is the type of person who if he feels pressured he will run in the other direction. He kept telling me that he will do it in his own good time, he wanted it to be right and when I least expect it. Birthdays, Christmas, New Years Eve, Valentine's Day and a holiday of a life time came and went with nothing.

In April this year he asked my Dad if he could marry me (he is quite old fashioned) and I thought it will be soon but still nothing.

I have made a conscious effort not to talk about weddings and him proposing as he said the more I did the longer it would take.

At the end of June we made the decision to sell my house and buy a family home together. I now have something else to occupy my mind so haven't been thinking about weddings for ages.

Then on Friday we both had the day off work and went to the Zoo. We took a picnic and when we arrived he got out of the boot of the car an old fashioned picnic basket. We found somewhere to sit with hardly anyone around and he gave me a huge heart shaped cookie saying he loved me and another one saying will you marry me. He got down on one knee. It was so so romantic and just perfect. He had thought of everything and especially what I would like. He was right, I wasn't expecting it so it was quite a shock.

I have no idea how I stayed sane over the last few years. I worked out quickly that tears, nagging and ultimatums were never going to work with my man. I trusted that he wanted to marry me and that he would do it in his own good time. Reality has now hit home and I have realised I have a wedding to plan :eek:

OP I think the best advice is to find something else to occupy you as he will do it in his own time and when he is good and ready. You never know what is round the corner.

Good luck.

jtr2803

Congratulations Beetle Lover :beer:

Verandi - I get it entirely. I think I have made my own mind up recently that more children are not on the cards for me (my OH doesn't want them anyway) so I can't even use that as a reasoning!

Thank you all for sharing your stories . We seem to be having a bit of a rough patch at the moment so fortunately I am not too fussed but I know there is a bit of resentment creeping in that he hasn't proposed or even mentioned it (small lie -he has mentioned it but not in a good way). I haven't even gone anywhere near the subject lately as I thought pushing him might make him back off a bit but I don't think that works either :eek:

I have applied to do a two week volunteer placement with the Maldives Whale Shark Research Project next summer and have been told that if they are on location on the dates I have picked then I have a place but I won't know for sure until October. OH won't be coming and was a little put out when I told him as we have never spent more than 1 night apart before but he will have to deal with it .

I've been keeping myself busy with comping and crafting which helps!!

minerva_windsong

I know how you feel OP - my OH and I have been together for just over four years, and I would quite happily marry him tomorrow at a registry office wearing jeans with our first two available friends as witnesses and a trip to the pub afterwards, and he's said things that indicate he's thinking similarly with regard to our future. I don't even want the big romantic proposal - as long as it's not somewhere with lots of people around then I don't mind where it happens and the ring could be a Haribo one or the bit of plastic from a drinks bottle for all I care. For me it's not the big fairytale stuff, it's being with him for the rest of my life and making that commitment to each other.

However we both come from big traditional families who see the wedding as an excuse for a big get-together, and as the youngest of three sisters I'm insistent that we'll cover as much as possible of the budget ourselves. As neither of us are in permanent jobs however we want to wait until we're in a slightly more stable position financially before we can seriously start saving. Plus we're only 23 and 25 so a bit too young to get married just yet (although I should say I'm not adverse to a long engagement...).

I have toyed with the idea of proposing come the 29th of February next year but as sad as this sounds I want him to do it, because I don't want to feel like I made him do it just to keep me happy - a friend of his has done this and I've expressed my views quite strongly that I think it's not fair on the girl to string her out. So basically I'm just trying to put it out of my mind (difficult as we've been to two weddings this year and have another two coming up!) and letting it happen in its own good time, although that said there have been recent events which may or may not have sped things up a bit. Your OH may well be doing something similar - there might be goals he wants to reach before he proposes (being a certain age, having money for the wedding/a nice ring, being at a certain place in his career etc) but if the relationship is good otherwise I'd say leave him be and if it's supposed to happen then it will.

jtr2803

I'd happily accept a haribo ring too :rotfl:.

I understand your comment about being more stable financially and reaching other life goals but I can honestly tell you that my OH has ZERO goals, he doesn't think past tomorrow let alone the rest of his life! I am the go-getter and he is happy to just take each day as it comes. I have been with my company for 5 years and he has been at his for 12 :eek:.

I think other weddings actually just put him off, he sees it as a big expense that isn't necessary. I would actually quite like to do it abroad while we are away but I don't think his family would be too thrilled.

There are 5 of us in our office that are are mid to late twenties and one has met and married his girlfriend since me and OH got together, another has had a baby and bought a house within 3 years, the other is getting married next may (but she did wait 9 years for a proposal although she is younger than me) and the others are buying a house so it is just me that hasn't really moved on.

I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others etc but I sometimes feel like people might be laughing at me. Back in 08 we went on a work conference to Barcelona and my OH came, he told me rather loudly at a bar in front of my work mates that he was going to marry me........and he still hasn't so I feel like people are sniggering that he didn't mean it.

I have told him all this, how it makes me feel, that I don't understand why he hasn't done it yet and that I feel like he might not. He just listened to it all with a sad face and didn't say a damn word....

Maybe I am just wasting my time?

Minimoo24

you all have to remeber that age doesnt matter, i know you feel it does but you can still afford to get married after children, whilst they are young we have a Son, 20 months old and we can afford it, people make out children to be money monsters, but really they are not as it is adults who spend money on lots of things children dont actually need...i know this as i do it lol. If any of you are still waiting and worrying about wedding and children, it is possable. xxx