Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

zcrat41

I for one don't believe marriage is an outdated tradition. Right shoot me now. This is probably not going to go down well!

I believe marriage is a promise in the sight of God. I'm religious but not happy clappy. I think its one of the REALLy important things in life. I believe its the foundations of a strong, united and supportive family in which to bring up children. I believe that owning a house together is no sort of commitment. You can sell it. If he was that commited he would have married you. Yes its only a bit of paper but its the meaning that goes into signing it that matter.

I do agree that the OP should just ask herself if she wants to though.

I think a lot of reason women put the pressure on is the old biological clock. I wouldn't have children outside of marriage. Personal choice. But because of that it made it pretty vital we got engaged now I'm knocking 30.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now!

Good luck OP - stay sane!

katerinasol

LEJC wrote: »

ok...so I'm equally not out to offend...and I dont really want to turn it into a debate one way or the other...but if its about a man proving how much he loves you and you dont need a piece of paper to prove that...why are you getting married...and not just carrying on as you are
Surely its a host of reasons why you marry...too many to list....it just seems that you are saying it doesnt matter if the marriage doesnt happen...but ok yes I still believe in it as I'm planning my wedding...

Maybe its the romantic in me...but after 6 years or so I think i'd want to move things on too...

I know, it's really difficult for me to explain without coming across really argumentative.... it's not that I don't believe in marriage as such, it's just that reading all those posts saying women were devastated they weren't proposed to and considered leaving/left a perfectly good relationship because that one bit wasn't there makes me want to argue that it's not the ultimate sign of commitment. I'm not disputing anyone's right to want to get married, but I just think that if someone wants to wait to be proposed to, it's easier to sit back and wait if you think of it in those terms. I mean, I wasn't really even proposed to, we both discussed marriage and were both surprised to find out we weren't completely averse to the idea (he was a bit of a player - I thought he would run a mile at the idea, and turns out he thought the same) and decided that we might as well do it. Obviously I am excited at the idea but when we both talked about whether we were nervous about it, we both realised our lives wouldn't be that much different to how they are already. Sorry, this is coming across as really unromantic!

trying_2_b_good

katerinasol wrote: »

it's not that I don't believe in marriage as such, it's just that reading all those posts saying women were devastated they weren't proposed to and considered leaving/left a perfectly good relationship because that one bit wasn't there makes me want to argue that it's not the ultimate sign of commitment.

I agree with this bit - although I'm sure there are lots more reasons why they felt like that than they have posted. And there are only 2 or 3 people who mention that on the whole thread. The real jist of it seems to be the stereotypical = girls want to be married and are impatient when they finally find "the one"

jtr2803

KaterinaSol - I do understand why it might not make sense to some and I think my response to you is a bit along LEJC's lines (also without being argumentative), I don't understand why you would spend the money and effort getting married if you truly believed it was just a bit of paper? I think we can safely agree that we all have different views on it and no two people will ever feel the same even though some of us may be in similar situations. If one of you really wanted to get married and the other didn't then I wouldn't describe that as a perfectly good relationship. That's two people who love each other but have very different ideas about their futures and for whom, ultimately, one will have to 'give' or it's probably going to be the end of the relationship. The reason a few comments have been made about walking away if it doesn't happen within a certain time is people being strong and realising that maybe it isn't the right relationship and it's time to move on, if you KNOW you want to get married then do you spend X years with someone waiting for them to propose only to find out 5-10 years down the line they never had any intention of doing it (even though they may have even said that they would?). Wouldn't you just end up feeling lied to and resentful? I know I would.

I think trying_2_b_good hit the nail on the head, it is just being impatient! Most of us have had our boyfriends mention getting married at some point and we just don't really get while they are dragging their heels. I think if you are in that position then there is only so long you can wait before you start wondering why they haven't done it. I don't agree that marriage is just a bit of paper and maybe if I did feel like that then I wouldn't be bothered about getting married, but it's not the case.

As for why don't I ask him? I could.....he would most likely say yes but what if he didn't? I think being told no would spell the end of the relationship unless there was a REALLY good reason. I am a bit of a romantic traditionalist at heart and I would like him to propose . I expect most of us have dreamt about something nice and romantic!

I don't want the thread to become a for/against debate of marriage and I know some people won't agree with some of the view points, it was more just to be a lighthearted way of joking about the wait these men put us through and how we get through the weeks/months/years without bursting

roses

trying_2_b_good wrote: »

The real jist of it seems to be the stereotypical = girls want to be married and are impatient when they finally find "the one"

I think that's a little bir unfair. If you have a proper read of teh threads, you'll see a lot of posters waited 8+ years for the proposal. How is that impatient? If the man says he wants to get married at some point, it is quite unfair of him to take more than 1-2 years to propose, go on romantic holidays with no proposal and take his time in asking after he has already told her he'll get around to asking at some point.

cte1111

OK so he knows that you're desperate for him to propose. But he chooses not to. Surely the answer is, he doesn't want to marry you?

Sorry that sounds really mean, don't wish to be horrible. Perhaps he is nervous or worried about the cost of a wedding or that getting engaged finally means he has to grow up.

winterbride_2012

jtr2803 wrote: »

OK, don't all laugh but I would love (read as I am desperate for) my OH to propose :rotfl:, thought I would share my light hearted desperations with others as hopefully someone out there can sympathise!

We have been together 3 years this month and have lived together pretty much the whole time so we know each other very well now, due to the way in which we got together (long story) I, and a number of my closest friends, thought that a proposal would be fairly swift but it seems that isn't to be the case! Oh I've hinted pretty outrageously at times :A, we haven't long got back from 2 weeks in the Maldives and I really thought he was going to do it there but it wasn't to be....unfortunately he also quite directly told me halfway through the holiday he wasn't going to either....he has a fantastic way with words sometimes *rolleyes*. Other than that we have a fantastic relationship and he is my very best friend, he is affectionate, loving, he cooks for me, calls me at work to sing Stevie Wonders 'I just called to say I love you', he delivers my favourite cake to work when I am having a bad day and he often brings me home flowers . Is there any surprise I want to marry him so much?

So.....after all that waffle....did anyone else have an agonising wait before their proposal? Did anyone else just tell them it was about time they did it? How did you stay sane during the wait? I have a couple of friends who are getting married soon and they all got with their partners after us so I am doing the 'when is it my turn?' thing. Argh, I am so impatient!

Same thing really - ended up asking for an engagemnt ring for a birthday present - took him to jewellery quarter to design it in the march - recieved it to wear finally at the end of may!! ... I am sure he will ask soon xx

jtr2803

cte1111 wrote: »

OK so he knows that you're desperate for him to propose. But he chooses not to. Surely the answer is, he doesn't want to marry you?

Sorry that sounds really mean, don't wish to be horrible. Perhaps he is nervous or worried about the cost of a wedding or that getting engaged finally means he has to grow up.

Hi cte1111, I actually read your post last night before your edit and admit it hurt a little but I am also very open to the fact that you could be totally right and he doesn't really want to marry me. It's definitely something that crosses my mind more than I would like to admit. You see, to me, it's very clear cut, I want to get married, he says he does so why not just get on with it? This is exactly why I have the self imposed 'deadline' that others don't understand, there is only so long I can bear to wait before I have to seriously question why he hasn't done it. At the moment I choose to believe that he does mean it and has his own reasons for not proposing yet, regardless of what they might be.

From the posts on my thread I have realised that my situation is not a one off, there are many stories of men saying they would like to get married but then not doing it for some time, perhaps it is complacency, perhaps it is nerves or perhaps they just aren't 'ready' but the unfortunate thing seems to be that none of us ever seem to find out until afterwards!

nykied

I knew that my OH was worried about cost before we got engaged and I also knew that he was burned by an ex too. I set myself deadlines too. I think the first one was the end of 2009. Then the next one was the end of 2010 and we actually got engaged in 2011. So setting deadlines, for me at least, wasn't about, 'Well, I'll leave him' because I knew I never would.

MrsDrink

Bless you jtr2803, trying to have a bit of a light hearted moan about waiting for him to pop the question... in the same way I dunno... I rant about MrD leaving his used clothes all over our bedroom floor. I rant, have a giggle with friends, and things carry on regardless. I don't rant because I want ideas on how to 'fix' him. I did write a post yesterday - being devils advocate - but then I saw you requested this thread didn't turn into a debate on the point of marriage so I deleted it.

I agree with you - if he's said he wants to marry you - why not just get on with it. But then I'm not one of these girls who wants the whole romantic 'down on one knee' surprise proposal. In this case I can see why he's waiting - to make sure it is as perfect as you want it to be so he doesn't let you down.

Anyway - since I decided I wanted to marry MrD (please note I'm talking about marriage, not weddings) I struggled to get my head around the fact that I was expected to accept that he didn't want to get married (note I'm not saying he didn't want to marry *me*). I loved him therefore I should respect his feelings. What I couldn't get my head around was that the reverse wasn't true. He wasn't expected to accept that I did want to get married and how much it meant to me. You could argue that if he loved me as much as he said he did then he should have respected my feelings and married me. Unfortunately marriage isn't something you can make a compromise on, you can with the wedding, but you are either married or you aren't.

One day I sat MrD down and explained that I wanted to be a real part of his family and he agreed that it'd be nice for me to share his name and be his wife. Once he agreed on this we discussed the type of low key, immediate family only affair we wanted and he was happy to agree to marry me (his words were something along the lines of 'go on then' lol). This discussion was really played out over a period of 5 years, I certainly didn't get a proposal. *If* he continued to refuse to marry me then I would have carried on regardless in the same way I do over his clothes on the bedroom floor (lol). At the end of the day I do love him, I am very happy, and I love the life we have together. I'm just lucky that in the end he finally came round to my way of thinking