Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

antrobus

Stone the bleedin crows. A century or more of feminism and all that equal rights malarkey and yet there are still apparently women around who are unable to ask a simple question.

(And having said that, I'm off to hide myself away in my personal nuclear bunker until the shooting stops.)

74jax

katerinasol wrote: »

Ok, I'm sorry to butt in again and I don't want to belittle anyone's experience, but I'm genuinely curious - why is it necessary for a man to sign a piece of paper to prove that he loves you? I realise that it's still very much a social convention to do so, but surely deep down we all know that if he loves you then he will stay with you and he doesn't need to enter a contract of sorts to do so?

Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that was not my intention, but I would honestly like to hear some viewpoints on this.

I genuinely can't explain it, other than 'something' was missing. It was, for me, the next step. I 100% appreciate not everyone needs that piece of paper. However to me it isn't a piece of paper, it's a marriage.

I wanted to be married to him, to have him as my husband, to be his wife. I don't care for the big wedding in front of family and friends, I would do it just me and him together.

It's the ultimate symbol of togetherness. Again this is all just my feelings and totally know others do not see the same.

katerinasol

74jax wrote: »

I genuinely can't explain it, other than 'something' was missing. It was, for me, the next step. I 100% appreciate not everyone needs that piece of paper. However to me it isn't a piece of paper, it's a marriage.

I wanted to be married to him, to have him as my husband, to be his wife. I don't care for the big wedding in front of family and friends, I would do it just me and him together.

It's the ultimate symbol of togetherness. Again this is all just my feelings and totally know others do not see the same.

But surely you can live together as husband and wife without having to sign that piece of paper? I mean, Wikipedia, rather unromantically, says this:

"Various cultures have had their own theories on the origin of marriage. One example may lie in a man's need for assurance as to paternity of his children. He might therefore be willing to pay a bride price or provide for a woman in exchange for exclusive sexual access.

And reading over the other early beginnings of marriage, it seemed to be just a way to keep 'ownership' of women.

Anyway, I'm really not against marriage or anyone else's views, sorry if I came across that way, and I'm looking forward to getting married and calling my partner my husband rather than my boyfriend, but reading back on some of the replies it seems a massive shame that some people put a strain on their otherwise perfectly good relationship by crying/nagging just because they expected their partner to propose.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is if you are waiting for your partner to get down on one knee, it's a lot easier to remember that marriage isn't the ultimate relationship goal because it has roots in some very outdated social norms and to just sit back and enjoy the relationship. After all, if you're confident you're going to be together forever, what's the rush?

trying_2_b_good

RainbowDrops wrote: »

Out of curiosity, did this kinda take the magic out of the moment when he did propose?
To me it seems like asking for a surprise for your birthday, then giving a list of presents that you want.

Nope! Even though I kept going on about it, it was still a suprise when he actually did it. I'm sure that 90% of people who have got engaged have had the conversation and have agreed that they want to get married - it's just a matter of when. And I just kept letting him know that I was ready! I don't think that he wasn't ready - or he wouldn't have asked. He just wanted the perfect movie style proposal and I needed to convince him that I wasn't bothered about that, I just wanted the proposal.

In response to the question of why get married...I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't want to??? It hasn't put any kind of strain on our relationship - it has made us even happier. Nothing was missing from our relationship before. We're not doing it to prove our love or our committment. I like the social convention. I like the idea that in 5 years time when we have kids then we will be married. I like the idea that in 50 years time we'll be celebrating our golden anniversary with our grandkids. It makes me smile when his parents reminisce over their wedding and how they're so proud that their relationship it still going strong.

I believe I'm getting married for all the right reasons and I believe in marriage as a convention.

I also believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way :rotfl:

kavics17

katerinasol wrote: »

Ok, I'm sorry to butt in again and I don't want to belittle anyone's experience, but I'm genuinely curious - why is it necessary for a man to sign a piece of paper to prove that he loves you? I realise that it's still very much a social convention to do so, but surely deep down we all know that if he loves you then he will stay with you and he doesn't need to enter a contract of sorts to do so?

Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that was not my intention, but I would honestly like to hear some viewpoints on this.

I totally agree. It is not necessary to sign that piece of paper. I really, really wanted to get married and do it my way but my OH was adamant that if we ever get married than it has to be his way. For me, 5 years ago, marriage was about the wedding. But my OH's attitude for not giving me my dream wedding made me disappointed, sad, frustrated which made me change my feelings and thinking and I completely turned around. It is not important anymore at all. Marriage now, for me, is what I have now with my partner, living together, respecting each other and have a good life. A piece of paper will not change that.

Snakeeyes21

katerinasol wrote: »

Ok, I'm sorry to butt in again and I don't want to belittle anyone's experience, but I'm genuinely curious - why is it necessary for a man to sign a piece of paper to prove that he loves you? I realise that it's still very much a social convention to do so, but surely deep down we all know that if he loves you then he will stay with you and he doesn't need to enter a contract of sorts to do so?

Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that was not my intention, but I would honestly like to hear some viewpoints on this.

And why is it always the lady saying she has to wait? surely she could propose if she wanted it that much equality and all that crap :rotfl:

74jax

Snakeeyes21 wrote: »

And why is it always the lady saying she has to wait? surely she could propose if she wanted it that much equality and all that crap :rotfl:

I agree, I did propose a year ago and he said no, he wanted to ask me......... so i waited............and waited.....

Totally agree though that we ladies can ask just the same as our blokes. But I think the thread just so happens to be wrote by a female.

It could just as easily been from a bloke who wanted to get married but the GF wasn't ready.

trying_2_b_good

Because some of us are suckers for tradition! plus it's far too scary to do, much easier if all you have to do is say yes!!

ashbtvs

Im in pretty much the same boat as the OP. At the start of our relationship OH said this was it for him, we spoke about marriage, kids, rings, etc all within the first month of going out. Three years and a bit later and nothing. Sure, he has proposed to me when drunk!!! But thats not really what I'm looking for here lol.

I agree that I could ask him, and I'm pretty sure he would say yes, but only because I asked him, not because he's ready. I've made it pretty obvious that that's what I want, and after my birthday and a special trip recently, I was pathetically devastated that no proposal came. He knows that I'm ready, and when he's ready, he'll propose. But it is driving me crazy cos he says he wants it! Pull your finger out man! haha

He also says he wants to have kids before we're 30, so we would like to try at 28. He KNOWS I will not have kids till we are married, and I'm now 25, so he's swiftly running out of time!!

AND he keeps mentioning that he cant afford to get married. This really infuriates me because he has said he already has "the ring fund" ready, and my parents have saved up for a wedding (which the KEEP reminding me).

As for keeping sane, I say that is with great difficulty! I come on here and get ideas, no reason why I cant start planning *monica alert*

LEJC

katerinasol wrote: »

Ok, I'm sorry to butt in again and I don't want to belittle anyone's experience, but I'm genuinely curious - why is it necessary for a man to sign a piece of paper to prove that he loves you? I realise that it's still very much a social convention to do so, but surely deep down we all know that if he loves you then he will stay with you and he doesn't need to enter a contract of sorts to do so?

Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that was not my intention, but I would honestly like to hear some viewpoints on this.

ok...so I'm equally not out to offend...and I dont really want to turn it into a debate one way or the other...but if its about a man proving how much he loves you and you dont need a piece of paper to prove that...why are you getting married...and not just carrying on as you are
Surely its a host of reasons why you marry...too many to list....it just seems that you are saying it doesnt matter if the marriage doesnt happen...but ok yes I still believe in it as I'm planning my wedding...

Maybe its the romantic in me...but after 6 years or so I think i'd want to move things on too...