Leaving your children with people

bellrooster

gregg1 wrote: »

I can't believe some of the harsh replies on here to be honest.

I would say, he is your child, you have to do what you are comfortable with and if that does not include leaving him in a creche then that is your decision and you should tell that to your friend in a firm but polite manner.

We never left our kids in creches etc when they were very young either and they were fine once they started pre-school. We never used holiday kids clubs either. We appreciated that our kids would not be young forever and wanted to enjoy every moment we could with them, particularly on holiday. Don't worry too much about the pre-school thing at this point, just cross that bridge when you come to it.

I completely agree with the above post!

When you have children you are bombarded with information/opinions on the best way to bring them up. I certainly was and it's easy to feel that you're in the wrong and being a 'bad parent' when there's so many conflicting opinions.

The moment I settled best into Motherhood was when I decided to listen to my own instincts. My dd wasn't left with anyone, she didn't even attend preschool :eek: and she's now a very confident, happy 5 year old who is thriving at her first year of school. There was no seperation issues when she went at all - she walking in the first day full of enthusiasm and confidence and that's how it's been since!

You just do what's right for yourself and your child.

honeypop

pokey128 wrote: »

A friend of mine is also a sahm and puts her ds in nursery 2 days a week and at least 1 full day and overnight a week with his grandparents- nothing against her but to me thats not bringing up a child

cte1111 wrote: »

I'm afraid you come over as rather sanctimonious. Your friend and presumably her partner are providing their child with a nice home, ensuring that the child is well looked after, either by a parent, qualified carer or grandparent. In what way is that not 'bringing up a child'?

Some people absolutely love being with their children 24 hours a day, great go for it. Others prefer / need to have some time to themselves. Just because you don't feel like that, why do you feel th need to judge them?

I agree, what part of that situation means she is not bringing her kids up? I am actuaLly interested to know the logic behind your thinking here. Just because it's different to how you do it, doesn't mean it's wrong.

The kids aren't being palmed off on all sorts of people, it seems to be a routine and with professional carers or close family members.

I love my kids (obviously!) and I know it's my responsibility to look after them, but when I get an offer to have them for a few hours, or overnight (eldest one), or the chance to put them in the creche, then I go for it because they will benefit more from having a happy mummy who has just had a little bit of time to herself, even if it was spent cleaning, which in a weird way relaxes me when I do it by myself.

pokey128

cte1111 wrote: »

I'm afraid you come over as rather sanctimonious. Your friend and presumably her partner are providing their child with a nice home, ensuring that the child is well looked after, either by a parent, qualified carer or grandparent. In what way is that not 'bringing up a child'?

Some people absolutely love being with their children 24 hours a day, great go for it. Others prefer / need to have some time to themselves. Just because you don't feel like that, why do you feel th need to judge them?

up.

Sorry, that probably came out wrong, It wasn't meant to judge anyone just saying to the op that she wasn't alone in not wanting/having anyone to help with Childcare. My friend just has a different attitude towards her child than I do I guess and her son is much more clingy that mine are. I have other friends who work full time and I have no problem with that but I don't think children should be left just because the mum wants to clean the house! (I dint have that luxury so my boys have to help me and we have a cleaner to do the rest once a week)
Anyway, good luck to the op-it sounds like you are bringing up a lovely and well adjusted son.

shy-but-need-help

I can understand why you feel as you do, my kids have very rarely (in nearly 14 years) been cared for by anyone who isn't my mother, DH's mother or my Dad... i can probably count on my fingers how many times in those years BUT I do get a break as we have family they can go to. My sister lives further away and she doesn't have that but is learning to leave her son with trusted friends, maybe that is a better option for you than a gym creche?

Maybe ask the friend to have little one for a short while to let you get out, if she's truly concerned about your and your child (and not just having someone else to go to the gym with when she doesn't have the confidence to go alone) then she'll help, if not you can tell her to do one

I do think leaving your little one with friends so you and your DH could get out together would be a good thing, when my sister visits we have her son so she and her husband can just go to the cinema. (he's very distracted in with our 5 and doesn't think twice about her) I have never really missed "me" time but I did miss getting out on occasion with my DH without a pram to push or child to hold!

I think "coping" at nursery is very dependant on the child- my oldest had only been to my mother by the time she began at nursery and on her first day told me to go awy because she was playing with the kids! Where as my fifth (Mr Confident to all and sundry but had never left me- he just never went to my moms with the others) was the screaming, thrashing, leg-grabbing "Mommy don't leave Meeeeee!!!!" child when I came to leave him, it entirely blindsided us, none of us had seen it coming because on the face of it he is by far our most confident of five when we're together as a family. (he's the one that will wander up and join in displays at the science museum, will make friends with people at the park, sing along at the library sessions but put him into that nursery and you'd have thought I was sending him off on a train with the evacuees!)

carolan78

pokey128 wrote: »

A friend of mine is also a sahm and puts her ds in nursery 2 days a week and at least 1 full day and overnight a week with his grandparents- nothing against her but to me thats not bringing up a child (she does it so she can clean the house and relax!)
I guess only time will tell but I'm just glad to meet someone with similar views to me!
Good luck x

I have to agree that sounds extremely sanctimonious. My two children go to my parents on Saturdays stay over and return Sunday to a refreshed Mummy and Daddy. Does that make me a bad parent?

They also regular go to stay with my DH's parents for 4 or 5 days in a row or the odd weekend we will drop them off there then go visit friends for the weekend (they live 300 miles away). Again does this make me a bad parent?

I don't think it does family is extremely important to me and I grew up with a large extended family and we're all still close (note close and not living out of each others pockets). I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and love them as much as I do my parents but they weren't the ones that raised me my Mum and Dad were. I want my children to have those same close bonds, we're not on this earth forever and we should all have enough room in our life for varying degrees of relationships with people outside our nuclear family. Not to mention a broader support network.

shellsuit

pokey128 wrote: »

Greener grass you could be me! I have 2 children aged nearly 3 and 15 months and they are with me always. I have left them a couple of times for a few hours with others but almost always when they are asleep. I feel very strongly that they are my children and my responibility to bring up and not a nurserys or even family members. Ds1 was left with my parents when I was giving birth to ds2 and that was the longest I've been away from him for. We go to loads of things through the week and I run a mother and baby group so then although I'm there I'm always busy and they know others there to go to if they are upset etc. Ds1 is going to preschool in august too and I'm sure he will be fine. A friend of mine is also a sahm and puts her ds in nursery 2 days a week and at least 1 full day and overnight a week with his grandparents- nothing against her but to me thats not bringing up a child (she does it so she can clean the house and relax!)
I guess only time will tell but I'm just glad to meet someone with similar views to me!
Good luck x

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

What is your friend doing if she is not bringing her son up?

Is that what you call bringing a child up ~ being with them 24/7? And anyone who isn't, doesn't?

Are you not going to be bringing your children up then when they start school?

I'm not a Mum.

I'm a Mum, wife, daughter and friend and I'm thankful that I get to have the odd day and night away from my children. If I had to be with them 24/7 for the forseeable, I'd go nuts!




Plus, I'll say this ~ count yourself lucky as there are people out there who would LOVE to be with their child all the time, but can't for various reasons, one of them having a job!

mummyroysof3

i have 3 children who are 6, 4 and 2 i have never used paid childcare and no one looks after them on a regular basis. my mil spends time with them away from us when she has free time in the school holidays or will help out when needed but its not very often. i find that every one is different so we shouldnt compare, some people are away from their children on a regular basis either due to work or by choice but thats just not for me. i remember replying to a thread once on a similar subject and came away feeling upset about the fact that my children havent slept away from home but in my eyes young children should be at home being looked after by their parents unless there is a good reason not to be, if another parent thinks differntly thats fine with me as long as they dont try to make me feel bad about it.

if you think your child will be fine starting pre school without any previous childcare then thats ok but if you feel like he needs more gentle settling in then thats ok too, just do what feels best for the both of you x

Mojisola

Greener_Grass wrote: »

I am aware that i need to learn to leave him but i simply do not have anyone that could look after him for me, All my friends have kids of thier own and have simply never offered.

Have you ever offered to have one of their children over to play while they do something else?

Greener_Grass wrote: »

He comes before i do so thats just how i've worked it out in my head.

This is just my view, but I don't think that's a very healthy attitude. You haven't stopped being a person of value just because you've had a child. Your child will also spend the rest of his life being one of a group of people - he'll find this hard to accept if he's always been the most important person in the home.

I think i will book him in for one session a week in the creche and see how he gets on, think for the first couple i won't be able to actually swim or anything but even if i sit outside for half an hour chewing my nails off it's a start.

Realistically i would love it if i did actually have someone i could leave him with as my partner and myself have never gone out anywhere alone together since he was born!

You're a partner, daughter, maybe a sibling and cousin to others, as well as a mother. Your needs are important too.

If the idea of a creche isn't to your taste, how about finding out if there is a childminder who would be willing to have your son for a few hours a week? Having an individual doing the caring can be less stressful than leaving your child with a group of carers.

LittleMissMPB

pokey128 wrote: »

A friend of mine is also a sahm and puts her ds in nursery 2 days a week and at least 1 full day and overnight a week with his grandparents- nothing against her but to me thats not bringing up a child (she does it so she can clean the house and relax!)

Lol I can't be bringing up my daughter then :rotfl::rotfl:

She's 3.5yr, nearly 4, and has been going to nursery since she was 2. 2 afternoons a week, paid for privatly until last January when she got the government funding. In fact, I send her there for her own good. She loves it, get's a chance to do things we can't always do at home, and I believe it is this nursery that has given her the confidence to be very outgoing and happy and make lots of friends. Most of them are friends who will be going to the same infant school next year too so she will already know half her class. She also goes to her dad's house two afternoons a week and to my mums on a Sunday.

What's wrong with nursery 2 days a week? You don't mention how old he is so it may be that she is just using the government funding for free education for 3yr olds? And surely grandparents having quality time with their grandson counts for something? The only real chances I get to clean the house and relax are when both my children are asleep, or when my daughter is out and son sleeps when no shopping needs to be done, which rarely happens at the moment.

I just find it funny that as a mother, you can never make everyone happy. Someone will always disagree with something you do and you'd go nuts if you tried to be the 'perfect' parent.

Any

pokey128 wrote: »

Sorry, that probably came out wrong, It wasn't meant to judge anyone just saying to the op that she wasn't alone in not wanting/having anyone to help with Childcare. My friend just has a different attitude towards her child than I do I guess and her son is much more clingy that mine are. I have other friends who work full time and I have no problem with that but I don't think children should be left just because the mum wants to clean the house! (I dint have that luxury so my boys have to help me and we have a cleaner to do the rest once a week)
Anyway, good luck to the op-it sounds like you are bringing up a lovely and well adjusted son.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
You better stop posting, before you dig yourself proper hole!!
I don't think it is sanctimonious though... I think it's just proper judgmental. And mental. I have no idea what you think is good reason for leaving children then?
So you are not allowed to relax, and now you are not even allowed to clean your house without your baby!!

You are a mother, not a slave to the child!!

OP - I think you are taking your friends words as a dig at your parenting and that is why you get so wound up. But it could be that your friend just really wants someone to go to gym with them, my sister goes on about how I need a gym too!! and if possible in the right time when she can!! (definitely not because of my size, being size 8). I have better things to do, I hate being pressured into anything and I get wound up something chronic.