SAHM paying off debts slowly

Eager_Elephant

Sorry to read that life is very up in the air for you - I'm currently divorcing my husband so probably am coming at things from the other angle as it was me that ended my marriage.

Firstly, is there any chance that your marriage can be saved?
Is his mental health an issue? thinking of suicide is a pretty drastic step and usually people will be suffering with depression way before they get to this stage - could his mental health be impacting on his ability to think clearly and he is thinking that it is you that has made him unhappy?

What do you want? Obviously you want your husband but if he doesn't want you then you need to think about what you want from life/the divorce etc

What is the plan in the short term? Will you all still live together or will he move out and you stay in the house with the children?

I'm happy to be a sounding board if you want so please keep posting.
I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to

Honeysucklelou2

Single parent here too. Remember to take care of yourself, eating and drinking wise, even if you don't feel like it. The shock can take time to process.

janb5

Hi- it is so difficult when in this situation to feel like drowning in a sea of advice and other people`s experience which sometimes doesn`t have any relevance to your own....

I do like the suggestion of looking after yourself because this is such a long haul and feels endless at times. I remember when I got divorced that I felt the only person this was happening to which obviously wasn`t true!

Sadly you will find out the friends who stick by you and are supportive which is priceless. I`d also suggest writing a list of things you have to do and maybe do bite size pieces rather than feel overwhelmed by it all. Factor in some nice treats however inexpensive to boost your spirits whenever possible.

janb5

Also forgot to say that do tell the heads of years for your children because they can help particularly the eldest two at secondary school.

I was also advised to get my own bank account really quickly which I did.

Not sure what job you do but if you belong to a union you can get some free legal advice.

slm6002

Thank you to you all. Had a decent meal today although it was my first proper meal all week. As you all seem to know I don't feel like eating even if tummy rumbling.
I have always used my bank account for everything as OH has never been any good with money. We never had a joint account. I just go into his bank account each week and take my housekeeping then he spends the rest. I have been looking into benefits. My only query is the question that asks fdo I have £6k of savings / capital. Need to look at this more clearly as although I don't have that amount in money the house does have equity in it. Not sure if that will mean I don't qualify or not. If it does I am done for. OH says he will keep paying the normal amount each week until I sort the child maintenance and benefits out so have a few weeks. Guessing he wont move out until then as wont be able to afford to, although might suggest he stays with his nan.

I asked about the house and he said he wouldn't want his share until the kids have grown up and moved out. Is that based on the value now or later on? If I get the house all done up so its worth more will he want a cut of it.

His parents have never been involved in his life really - not even when a child. They never supported him financially either so he is determind to be there for his kids. Just worried when another woman appears on the scene whether that will continue to be the case.

Thank you again to you all x

slm6002

Happy New Year to you all. Well life is still pants my end. Although living together in practice he is on the sofa and we are not together. Strangely enough younger 2 kids haven't realised anything is going on yet and older dd only found out as she was nosy and read text message from a close friend. Have given them one last Christmas as a family and it was hard to smile. On our way home it dawned on me that was it and I spent since then trying not to fall apart in front of them. I have spent days in my nighty on the sofa and almost given up. Today I am dressed although still under a dark cloud and not wanting to go out or do anything. Again the kid are oblivious and enjoying tv, and computer time!

I am now on universal credits and the amount I will hopefully continue to get is ok. I can continue to live as we were and still save a little in my pots each month. The kids will get free meals at school, and I am waiting to hear about free music lessons (always too much for our budget, but with us getting this beneifit we should be entitiled). We will also be entititled to help with uniform costs each year - I am looking for silver linings to things however small.

OH is moving into a caravan in feb - cant go any earlier than that so 1 feb will be a big day.

Anyone got experience of what I need to do to protect my credit score. With him moving on he wont be connected to us apart from on the mortgage. Knowing he is no good with money I can already forsee him getting into trouble.

I also know I am due to receive money from relatives, but wondering if its allowed to pay for improvements to home as I am obviously not allowed savings over 6k and it very easily could be more than that. Do courts have to decide divorce settlement or can we work it out between ourselves and then get lawyer to make it official?

slm6002

Got out of the house today and took kids skating using free vouchers we won in the summer. Only bought a few drinks (as not allowed own one in there). Had to socialise as mum of DD2 friend was there and invited me to sit down. School playground don't know anything is going on as yet so had to smile and talk. Hard work being polite and socialising.

Dinner from the fridge tonight and using leftovers up on next few days. Payday soon - hopefully - boss not great at cashflow!

Eager_Elephant

You are doing so well with everything, however you feel is right.

I've just spent my second Xmas with by ex-husband for the kids sake - it can be hard work at times.

You cannot protect your credit score as such and if his is negative then that will link to yours - the only thing you can do is put a message on to say you are separated but that may not make any difference.

As soon as you receive any inheritance you must declare it straight away, if over £16k your UC will stop.
If over £6k then they will reduce your UC by £4.33pm for every £250 you have over £6k.
Improvements are not really a permitted expense to spend money on unless it would be detrimental to not do it. If you spend the money and they don't think you should then they can continue reducing your payments until such time they decide you could have spent it in a reasonable way.

Personally I would be asking the courts to decide the settlement so it is legally binding, you can get solicitors to agree it but it means nothing in the future.
It doesn't cost much to put a consent order through the court if you both agree - I've just paid £50 to file mine with the court.
If you don't have a consent order he can come after any assets of yours in the future - not just a few years but forever.

slm6002

Thank you Eager Elephant for that - I could really use a dummies guide to separating and divorce! (re-read this and it sounds like i'm calling you a dummie - i'm not - I meant the big yellow books lol)

Been looking at the £9.50 summer holidays in a bid to have something to look forward to. Have researched some local ones as I cant drive far from home. Would still be about an hours drive away so still classed as a holiday. Prices range from £137 to £155 if I've worked it out correctly. By the time it comes to putting the codes in and paying I should have enough in holiday pot (as spent pretty much nothing this holiday) for any of the options that I have chosen - hopefully. OH never liked taking holiday so we are going to go and enjoy a mon-fri one without him.

I bought OH a diary for Christmas and filled in all of the dates he needs to remember - like his families bdays, car insurance renewal dates, renewal of passport when he reaches 6 months left etc as he will have to sort these now. Will be adding holiday to it once booked and confirmed as not sure how often he will have the kids. Trying to think of things to do when kids stay at his. I'm really not one for going out and neither are my close friends, we would rather snuggle on sofa under blanket, but it will seem so odd and quiet without them. Any cheap ideas?

slm6002

Well it was back to work for me today. Not been sleeping well at all so am exhausted - fingers crossed I will drift off to sleep better tonight. It was a day of training - mental health. Outside trainer came in and there were a few moments that I had to concentrate on not bursting into tears - that coupled with the staff asking if I had had a good Christmas. Some of them know and others don't. Even the hugs from those in the know sent me into teary mode again. Almost wish I could be at the angry stage of this grief so at least I wouldn't care so much about him.

Anyway its payday - not that boss has transferred the wages across as yet. Always late on in the day! Wanting to do my transfers into my pots but will keep checking online banking until they are there.

Kids now on free school meals due to UTC. Youngest is fairly happy as quite plain food at primary school. Older 2 are fussier - son especially - so not so keen, but have managed to talk them into at least trying them for a while - why not. I used to love my school dinners (maybe I got lucky). Meant they only needed a small dinner this evening