Boyfriend help

the_cat

justanotherregularuser wrote: »

It's lovely if you can 100% trust your partner but i can't for very good reasons.

Then you have to ask yourself if a relationship where you cannot trust your OH is really worth having. Are you really happy 80% of the time with someone who you can't trust or are you pushing your true feelings below the surface?

kaz0705

justanotherregularuser wrote: »

It's lovely if you can 100% trust your partner but i can't for very good reasons.

Would the cyber sex you mentioned in reply to my post be one of those reasons? I know that would DEFINITELY make me stop trusting someone.

Until now, I'd thought 'its down to your own limits on what kind of flirting you can handle' but now... well, I couldn't handle that. It would be game over from there on in.

However, I understand that people move on from all sorts of situations so it's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone. Did you establish why he did it and whether he felt it was a big deal or anything?

justanotherregularuser

Each time he's done something he's told me that i was distant etc and that he couldn't get close to me. I don't think i was i think it's just an excuse. The thing is i haven't caught him for about 3 years now so i feel as though i can't really go mad about this when there's no evidence and i stayed with him all the other times.
The cyber sex was at the start of our relationship, since then there's been flirting online, a text message saying "thankyou for yesterday i'm still sore", :mad: the photos he did for a "friend", the profile looking for single women on a dating site. Actually the more i'm typing the angrier i'm getting.

Percy1983

The more you tell us the more I do think you should ask yourself 'is he worth it?'

kaz0705

I understand why you feel you can't trust him now.

The 'three strikes and you're out' rule would easily apply to everything you've just stated.

Let me put it to you this way: is it worth wasting 3 years with someone who continues to let you down, whether it's 'defined/physical' cheating or not? Actions generally speak louder than words and that much action with other people don't suggest that any words he says to you are particularly sincere.

Or similarly, he might be sincere (in that he *does* love you etc) but... well, it's clearly not enough for him.

The % rule could also apply to the number of times you feel like you can truly trust him.

I know it's never easy making these decisions. I have always been of the 'second chance' vein- every past boyfriend cheated on me but I took them all back. But the idea is ONE second chance, not millions. Once I'd left each relationship I was very much of the view that if someone wasn't prepared to give me what I wanted in a relationship and- worse- could betray our relationship, then I they weren't worth my time.

At 36 do you REALLY want to be dealing with a man who's unable to fully commit to one person?

the_cat

justanotherregularuser wrote: »

Each time he's done something he's told me that i was distant etc and that he couldn't get close to me. I don't think i was i think it's just an excuse. The thing is i haven't caught him for about 3 years now so i feel as though i can't really go mad about this when there's no evidence and i stayed with him all the other times.
The cyber sex was at the start of our relationship, since then there's been flirting online, a text message saying "thankyou for yesterday i'm still sore", :mad: the photos he did for a "friend", the profile looking for single women on a dating site. Actually the more i'm typing the angrier i'm getting.

Just because you haven't caught him for 3 years doesn't mean he hasn't been up to his neck in trouble! It sounds from your post that you already believe that this is exactly what he has been up to. He shows no remorse and blames you:mad: for his many failings

Seriously, he is not going to change. Is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your life?:eek:

justanotherregularuser

Writing this down i feel like such a mug. He obviously is up to his old tricks or he wouldnt have reacted the way he did last night. I feel though that as i forgave him the other times then i can't really leave him this time when there's no evidence.

relic

justanotherregularuser wrote: »

Writing this down i feel like such a mug. He obviously is up to his old tricks or he wouldnt have reacted the way he did last night. I feel though that as i forgave him the other times then i can't really leave him this time when there's no evidence.

It isn't a trial, you don't need evidence to lead a happier life.

Get rid, maybe hard initially, but in the long run you'll be much, much happier.

justanotherregularuser

That's true. It's just so hard though, we are happy a lot of the time. The house is his as well in his sole name so we'd have to go not him. I keep typing and then deleting it because i'm sounding like a right mug and want to give myself a good shake.

kaz0705

Agree with Relic. you don't need 'proof' of anything to get out of a relationship.

If you're spending your time questioning him then you're also spending your time being miserable.

Life is certainly too short for that!