Help! Domestic Violence!!

make_me_wise

Frugalista wrote: »

However, I actually saw her smashed up and swollen face the morning after the attack - it looked like he had used her as a punchbag - and no-one, but no-one, deserves that. I nearly burst into tears when I saw her!

So what if she has covered it up in the past? She isn't the first, and certainly won't be the last. Fact is, this is the time she finally reached out for some help - would you deny her that? I certainly can't.

It takes a huge amount of courage to face up to the fact that you are being abused. It is more frightening than the abuse itself. It can take some women years to face up to and confront an abusive partner. It sounds crazy doesn't it, alot of people tell themselves if xxx ever laid a hand on me that would be it but it is not that straightforward. Before physical abuse starts you can bet your life the abusive partner has spent months, maybe even years, undermining and knocking the confidence of their victim. To the point where they cant think straight and question everything. They cant even rely on their gut instincts.

I really hope that now this lady has reached out for help she will be okay and recieves all the assistance she so desperately needs. She is very lucky to have such a concerned person as yourself OP, looking out for her.

Ladyshopper

Frugalista wrote: »

:huh::huh::huh::huh::huh: I have no idea what the above is about but if you don't wish to offer support you are under no obligation to!

However, I actually saw her smashed up and swollen face the morning after the attack - it looked like he had used her as a punchbag - and no-one, but no-one, deserves that. I nearly burst into tears when I saw her!

So what if she has covered it up in the past? She isn't the first, and certainly won't be the last. Fact is, this is the time she finally reached out for some help - would you deny her that? I certainly can't.

I have passed on all the information gleaned last night - many thanks to everyone. She has a solicitors appointment tomorrow. She says she hasn't done anything since the attack because she genuinely believed (a view also held by the attending officers) that he would be sentenced.

Personally, I feel she is not moving quickly enough on this - but it is not my place to say so. I can only keep passing on any relevant helpful information and hope she can sort things out for herself.

May well have been the view of the attending officers, and they might have believed they were doing the right thing in saying that. However, it was unlikely the attending officers dealt with the husband (most forces use prisoner handling team for prisoners, and it is the first responders that go out and get the prisoners when responding to the jobs), and even if they held that genuine belief, as previously stated its not up to the police, its up to the cps.

I presume nothing else has happened in the last 5 weeks as he was on bail, possibly with conditions to reside elsewhere or not contact her? Now cps have decided to NFA (no further action) any bail conditions will have been cancelled.

Advice given on injunctions (now called non-molestation orders as someone quite rightly said) has been good, and all you can do is try and persuade your friend to take one out.

coolcait

I described the scenario as 'strangely wrong', and that things don't add up - and it still feels that way to me. It could well be because Frugalista is having to be careful about the details she gives

Another reason could well be that the woman is just not ready to take the step of 'leaving'/kicking out her husband. It's a very common pattern - even after the abuse victim has reached out for help.

If that's the case - and given all the support she has received from Frugalista and others - how difficult would it be for her to say 'I'm not pressing charges, I've told the police I won't act as a witness, so they can't take it forward, and I'm not going to go and see any of the organisations you've told me about'?

Much easier to say 'The police have dropped the case, Women's Aid can't see me till next week, and an injuction costs a fortune'.

She'd still be terrified and shaking about what her husband might do to her. But at least she wouldn't have to explain her decision to concerned friends and face pressure - however well-meaning - to do what someone else thinks is right for her.

If that's the situation, then she is going to need ongoing and practical support to keep herself safe until she feels ready to kick him out.

Frugalista

She absolutely does not want him back - they have been living virtually separate lives for about 6 months, interspersed with regular violent rows and long, sulky silences. Working for them both is a nightmare in itself!! Neither of them will leave the business to the other.

His bail conditions meant he had to stay away but now he is free to return - but she doesn't know if or when he will. She wants to press charges but doesn't seem to know how to further this.

I am not party to her telephone conversations with the police/Womens Aid/ Domestic Violence Helpline, etc, so can only tell you what she has told me.

There are other things I have not felt able to post, so that may have "skewed" things slightly - but, trust me, she never wants to see him again.

CRH71

londonirish wrote: »

yes , she shouldnt have to fight for it, she is in danger.

.........


your friend should look up the freedom project, it changed my life .

Sorry to sound pedantic, but it's the Freedom Programme. I can vouch for the effectiveness of this programme, and can only second LondonIrish's advice for your Boss to seek help urgently - she is at significant risk.

Padstow

Frugalista wrote: »

She absolutely does not want him back - they have been living virtually separate lives for about 6 months, interspersed with regular violent rows and long, sulky silences. Working for them both is a nightmare in itself!! Neither of them will leave the business to the other.

His bail conditions meant he had to stay away but now he is free to return - but she doesn't know if or when he will. She wants to press charges but doesn't seem to know how to further this.

I am not party to her telephone conversations with the police/Womens Aid/ Domestic Violence Helpline, etc, so can only tell you what she has told me.

There are other things I have not felt able to post, so that may have "skewed" things slightly - but, trust me, she never wants to see him again.

Fine, but please Frugalista step away now. Have nothing more to do with it. Youv'e done everything possible.
It must be a rural location, so be careful. She is seeing a sol tomorrow so stay out from now, please.

Frugalista

Thanks Padstow. I guess that whatever happens I am probably going to be out of a job in the not too distant future .

jenhug

if i were her id be tempted to sleep in one of the kennels with the dogs, he probably wouldn't think to go looking in there.

100yoga

She should ensure that she has all important documentation such as her passport, bank details, spare car keys etc out of the house and stored at a friend's house for safe keeping incase she has to leave in rush and also to stop her partner from withholding them from her. She should also pack a bag of essential clothes etc and give it to a friend to store (learn about this on a domestic violence awareness course that I did as part of my job).

I would also recommend the Freedom Programme - they do fantastic work.

She could contacxt her local Social Care Dept for advice.

The 24 hour National Domestic Violence helpline is also great - 0808 2000 247

joeblack066

If I was her, as a DV survivor, I would walk away from the lot, and go through legal channels to get her financial share of the business/ house. I would NOT put myself at risk any more. 2 women a week are murdered by current or ex partners. What's money compared to safety.