Trace birth mother or not?

HooCanTellMee

So many people and so many different views,
I couldn't begin to answer you all separately, but you all have my thanks!
Some of you seem to misunderstand, my husband is aware of what I am asking and has read these posts!
We are not looking through rose tinted glasses! We don't think there is going to be a pot of gold, a wonderful new family or an alcoholic in need of care! There are no expectations. We didn't know what to do, if anything. We don't think the birth mother could trace my husband without us making the first move, which leaves a certain onus on us! It comes down to whether we risk the comfort zone we have, to see if his birth mother would like to know what happened to him! Ignorance, in this case, is almost bliss and my husband isn't looking for another "Mum". I think between you all the subject has now been covered, I can't think of anymore different ways to look at the situation and, as I said earlier, my husband has now decided to just carry on as we are. There is too much to risk, and too many people could be hurt!

Pollycat

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

Some of you seem to misunderstand, my husband is aware of what I am asking and has read these posts!

HooCanTellMee
I think the misunderstanding may have come from a few things you wrote in your first post:
You did say that you'd let your husband know - not that you had already discussed it and he was agreeable.

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

I wonder if there is anyway I could maybe trace her, I would let my husband know what I was doing, but it would be me not him doing the search!

It's often quite hard to get your feelings and intentions across on a public forum but I can see why some people (including me) got the impression that it was you driving this possible search.

At least you've reached a decision about it all now.

sparrer

I've not read all the posts, and don't intend to. I can only tell you, from this birth mothers point of view, that I spent 25 years hoping I'd get news of my daughter. When she found me, with the blessing and encouragement of her adoptive parents (what wonderful people, I'l always admire them) we had a relationship of sorts for some 10 years. When she left her husband she and her two children came to stay with me. I didn't know, nor still do, why she didn't go home to her family, who had a lovely house with plenty of space for all of them. One day her parents arrived to take her away, she'd phoned them and told them she didn't want to be here. It was like losing her for a second time. A few months later she was back with me. She got drunk, abused my friends hospitality, and worst of all persuaded my DD to help her out financially. I won't go into details but it ended with a bailiff at my DD's door. After many more incidents it ended with her having a relationship of sorts with my now ex-husband and I lost my daughter for the third time.

I was 18 in the 60's, tried desparately to keep her, but no-one would give me accommodation, job etc with a tiny baby. After 5 months I had to admit defeat but even then had to go to the registrars office twice before I could bring myself to sign the forms that would take her away.

I'm pleased you've decided to leave well alone. Of course your DH wouldn't dream of doing what she did but as you say there's too much at risk for your DH and his parents.

If he wants he can lodge a letter with an organisation like Norcap, just saying he's alive and well, has a good family etc, but wishes for no contact, which they can pass on should she contact them. That way if she is looking she'll at least know he's thought of her and considered the possible outcome carefully, and he'll have done all he need to.

Wishing you both well, and it's good to know there are other good adoptive parents out there.
S

carolan78

My DH was adopted when he was a few days old. About 6 years ago I was playing around on 192.com and put in his birth mothers name and hey presto it came back she still lived at the address given on his birth cert.

He sat down and wrote a letter to her that evening, the letter sat on the pc for 6 months he just did not have the courage to send it. We knew she was married but we didn't know if there were more children or if her husband was aware he existed. After 6 months of weighing up what kind of can of worms he might be opening he decided to send the letter.

There it sat in it's envelope because then a fear of rejection kicked in. His birthday was approaching and I was thinking all about his birth mum and how she must be thinking about him with the time of year and popped it in the post (I did tell him after I had done it).

It took about 3 weeks for her to tell her children (husband already knew) and his sister (then only 14) emailed us and the rest as they say is history. We have regular contact with his birth family but his parents will always be just that his parents.

Our story had a happy outcome but I know of others who have had a disastrous reunion or even rejection that has been very difficult to get over. Unless you easily stumble upon his birth parents address's like I did I would advise going through a 3rd party because it was incredibly difficult for my husband to decide what to do. He really wanted contact but on the other hand he didn't want to upset his birth mum's current life or risk the chance of her rejecting him.

HooCanTellMee

Hi Pollycat,
You are right my first post didn't really make it clear, so apologies for that. I really meant that it was likely that I would be doing the legwork, he leaves the paperwork side of things to me, I even write his cheques for him! No, I don't sign them! It works for us.
I was just surprised how may people thought this was about my expectations. Instead of just a need to affirm that we are better to just let things stay as they are.
I should probably be more careful how I post, it tends to just go from brain to keyboard! I think maybe I should wait a bit longer! Being a touch typist doesn't help!
Anyway, after both reading all of the replies on the thread, my husband has decided to leave things as they are. If he is comfortable to do this I am happy, it is his decision.