Trace birth mother or not?

catfish50

A very interesting book is David Leitch's book "God stand up for !!!!!!!s", in which he describes his attempts to find out about the circumstances of his birth.

Later he wrote a seond book on the subject called "Family Secrets", about being reunited with a sister who had also been put up for adoption. These books are very moving, at least I found them so.

PS I forgot that word would trip the censor. The word is b a s t a r d s. The title is a quotation from Shakespeare's King Lear.

Mojisola

Registering that he is interested in contacting his mother would be the way to go - if he wants to.

If she hasn't registered, it stops there. If she has, then letters can be exchanged. It may go no further than that - knowing that he has had a happy life may be enough for his mother. It may develop into something more. One step at a time.

swingaloo

OP, I think if you read this post it may make you look at the situation from other angles.

To understand I need to explain my situation and my partners as we are on opposite sides of the coin.

I was born to a single mother, she later met and married the man who I knew as dad and who later adopted me and brought me up as his own. Now, whilst I know that was very noble of him and I have a lot to be grateful to him for, there is another side to this. When he married my mum, they together approached my natural father and asked that he 'disappear' from my life and allow them to bring me up as thier child. I found about it all when I was 15 and in a fit of temper mother mentioned my natural fathers name and told me he had married and had children and lived about 20 miles from us. After that conversation she refused to ever speak about it again and when I once asked her to repeat his name (I had not remembered it) she refused.

I never wanted to upset my 'dad' and so never asked again. Then both my parents passed away and I decided to try to find out more about my natural father. I sent off for a copy of my birth certificate but the name had been left blank. I then spoke to the offfice where they hold the adoption information and files. At this point I was told that the adoption files may or may not have the information I wanted but that in any case, before they will let you have them you have to have counselling. Its compulsory if you were adopted before a certain date. I decided to let it lie and not follow up.

My natural father, if he is stil alive, may be in his late 70,s or 80,s now and has a family of his own. So you may think that I have done the right thing.

BUT- My husband was married before when he was very young and his wife left him for someone else. He didnt know till after she left that she was pregnant with his child. She came back and told him and asked if she could bring up the child with her new partner and asked him to walk away. He said that at the time he agreed, partly because he was young and immature and because they put pressure on and he genuinly thought that it was best for the child.

He has regretted it for the past 20 years and would give anything to turn the clock back. I found his daughter on facebook (she dosnt know and I wouldnt dream of contacting her) He cant even bring himself to look at the picture because he says it will be so much more 'real' and more unbearable if he sees her. He will never rock her world, he says he dosnt have the right but will always regret agreeing to walk away.

So he is at the opposite side to my situation. So what Im trying to say is that I will never know and always wonder if my natural father feels the same. Did he think 'Im doing this for her' or was he 'glad to be rid'

Has he spent years hoping I will get in touch, as my partner hopes his daughter may one day do.

I always thought that there would be time and it was one of those things I would do 'one day'. I can see it from both sides because of our situation and would only say 'Think it through, be prepared that it may not work out as you hope, but dont leave it too late'.
Remember that how you feel about it now may change, 20 years ago I wasnt the least bit bothered about tracing my natural father, now I wish I had asked more questions before my mum and dad died.

andy.m_2

I am adopted, I am very proud to be.
I have absolutely no desire to find my biological parents.
I have a Mum and Dad, they both love me very much and the felling is more than mutual.

Anyone can be a parent but it takes two special people to be a Mum and Dad.
I cannot begin to see any positives in trying to locate my biological parents.

As I understood it, it was solely up to the child to make the first move for contact and the biological parents cannot make any contact.

My Mum has always said that she would support me fully in any attempt to find my biological mother and right from the early years, She told me I was adopted and explained what that meant.

I urge you to discuss this with your Husband before you make any action.

andy.m_2

Gosh that sounds very cold and calculated!

The crux is that I am blissfully happy with my family and have always felt that making contact could bring two happy scenarios crashing down around me.

CH27

andy.m wrote: »

I am adopted, I am very proud to be.
I have absolutely no desire to find my biological parents.
I have a Mum and Dad, they both love me very much and the felling is more than mutual.

Anyone can be a parent but it takes two special people to be a Mum and Dad.
I cannot begin to see any positives in trying to locate my biological parents.

As I understood it, it was solely up to the child to make the first move for contact and the biological parents cannot make any contact.

My Mum has always said that she would support me fully in any attempt to find my biological mother and right from the early years, She told me I was adopted and explained what that meant.

I urge you to discuss this with your Husband before you make any action.

That is so true:)

themull1

If it was me, i would just leave it, it would be awful to trace the mother for her to turn around and say i'm not interested! Let sleeping dogs lie.

Violetta_2

If you really want another mother in law I'll gladly let you have mine lol.
Joking aside I can understand you wondering about your husbands birthmother & your children's grandmother. If it was me I would support & help my husband to try & trace her. I'm sure these thing's are done discretely yes there may be rejection or worse but there may be a woman out there wondering what happened to her baby boy. I take on what Travelgran is saying but I do think she was lucky & an exception to the rule. We have all heard terrible stories of woman being forced into giving their babies up & put into institutions themselves for being immoral.
Very different situation but my ex was put into care when his mum died (he was 8) & his dad was too ill to cope with a young family, he did speak about trying to track his dad down but other things got in the way & we had no idea where to start, a few month's later he got word that his dad had died- on Fathers day. We did go to the funeral & I can still remember the look on his extended family's faces when my ex walked into the church, they all said it was like looking at the ghost of his dead father.
Sorry not a happy tale. But I would try & trace her & if you are going to do it. Don't put it off.

belfastgirl23

I think you're thinking about the birth mother though rose coloured glasses. She could be a nice elderly lady who's wondering what happened her baby. She could also be an alcoholic or could have mental health problems. She could be victim of rape or child abuse. And what would you do if you found out that there was potentially a degenerative disease in the family?? I'm not saying any of this is likely but at the same time it's something you, or more likely your husband, need to think about. I guess it's about being aware of all of the possibilities.

Mojisola

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think you're thinking about the birth mother though rose coloured glasses. She could be a nice elderly lady who's wondering what happened her baby. She could also be an alcoholic or could have mental health problems. She could be victim of rape or child abuse. And what would you do if you found out that there was potentially a degenerative disease in the family?? I'm not saying any of this is likely but at the same time it's something you, or more likely your husband, need to think about. I guess it's about being aware of all of the possibilities.

Unless they try to make contact, they'll never know.

As I understand it, the first contact by letter can be done through an intermediary so that one person does not get to know the other's address.

If the contents of the letter encourage further contact, it could be done through a mobile phone so privacy can again be maintained until both sides are happy to share more information.