Trace birth mother or not?

loulou123

I've never met my father (his name isnt even on my birth certificate) and although i know his name and roughly where he was last known to be living (fairly close to where i grew up) i dont want to see him and cant see me ever changing my mind on that.

I also know he went on to have more children, and im pretty sure his wife and kids would know nothing about me, so if i tried to contact him, i would potientially cause a huge amount of pain to those children and his wife etc too - which would all be completely undeserved.

I think of him as my 'father' in name only, and even if he contacted me i dont think i would want anything to do with him. People find it strange, and always ask how i cant want to meet him etc if only to see where i came from, and sure there have naturally been times when i have wondered about him. But i grew up with my grandparents, and i was a real 'daddys' girl to my grandad and as far as im concerned he was (he passed away some years ago) and still is my unofficial 'father' as he did all the daddy things with me.

If my partner decided to try and find my dad for me i would be absolutely livid, and as extreme as it sounds i think that would be the end of our relationship too. My mum has always had the attitude that finding him is my decision, she has never tryed to sway me or guilt trip me into not seeking him out, when i was a teenager she gave me all the information she had on him, and offered to help me look for him, if i wanted to.

catfish50

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

Thanks RAS,
Could you tell me where to find the Register and how can it be accessed? Would it be possible to find out if my husband's birth mother was looking for him without having to register himself. Knowing where the birth mother came from, her age and the date of birth of my husband should narrow down our search.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Registeringlifeevents/Birthandadoptionrecords/Adoptionrecords/DG_175603

Non-registered persons can't access it. Thank goodness.

Pollycat

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

I think if she is not on the Register that will be the end of the search, if she is happy with things as they are my husband would certainly not like to upset her world in any way! He bears no grudge and I am more than willing to carry on as we are.

I think that's a really sensible way forward.

Errata

It's not unusual for women who give up a child for adoption to have a nervous breakdown and for them to experience less than optimal mental health for the rest of their lives. If a woman hasn't placed her name on the register that's her choice, and seeking her out by other means may have a very negative impact on her mental health. Being tracked down when one doesn't want to be is not a nice feeling for anyone.
In the case of the OP, the birth mother is now in her 70's - an elderly lady - and possibly less emotionally robust to cope with unexpected events.
Whilst I can understand an adoptee's curiousity, I feel it should be well-seasoned with compassion for the woman that made a decision which is every woman's worst nightmare. A decision she will have thought about every single day of her life, and for many expeienced guilt and shame every single day of her life.

HooCanTellMee

loulou123,
Please don't think I would ever try to push my husband into looking for his birth mother, or do it myself! You sound a fair bit younger than my husband or myself. We are in our fifties, been married for nearly twenty-five years and rock solid! We have mutual respect, there is no way either would go behind the other's back, there is no need!
If we leave this alone, and we probably will, it will probably soon be too late. The birth mother is now in her mid seventies. I am well aware that a single, unmarried young girl would have had little or no chance of keeping her baby in the 1950's. It was probably not her choice what happened to her baby, even if she wanted to keep it there would be no support financially and she would have been regarded as the lowest of low! The child would have had the stigma of being born out of wedlock, and that is the polite way of putting it! These days if a child is given up for adoption it will almost certainly be because the mother wants to let the child go, there is a lot of support offered to single mother's that just wasn't available in years gone by. Not clear cut, even now, but back then there would be literally no chance of keeping the child. If my husband's birth mother, had her baby, got her life together and is happy then that is all I would wish for her, there is no wish to upset her, only to let her know what happened to the baby if it would give her peace of mind. She may not have been able to just forget her child, she carried him for nine months and gave birth to him then had to hand him to strangers. She may have been glad to let him go, she may not!

catfish50

If the birth mother is wondering what happened to her baby she has the option to register, just as your husband has the option.

The adoption scenario may have been as you describe, but it's equally possible the birth mother has not spent the intervening years feeling guilty.

Also -- a reunion has an impact also on any new family the birth mother may have. The birth mother is the person best placed to know what effect it might have, and that may influence her if she chooses not to register. Just as your husband is influenced by not wanting to hurt his adoptive parents.

These things don't always end happily or with peace of mind.

HooCanTellMee

May I thank everyone who took the time to contribute, you have done all I could have asked for, given me opinions and points of view. Most of them I had thought of, some I hadn't! From what I have read, the best thing would be to just carry on as we are, hopefully this lady will have had a full happy life. My husband wouldn't want to hurt his parents or his birth mother, so after reading your posts with me my husband has decided to leave well alone.

travelgran

"---but back then there would be literally no chance of keeping the child."
I'm sorry but I read this time and time again and I'm living proof that as a sweeping statement it's wrong. I was born in the 40s to a single mother who kept, raised and loved me. I think the big difference was that she was an older Mum and the family accepted me. She had no financial independence but was emotionally independent. She worked full time at first in residential jobs where she could keep me with her - not even child benefit for the first child then.

Please don't think I'm getting at girls (I use the word deliberately) whose parents might have virtually forced them to have the baby adopted but for some women and their children other scenarios did exist.

My mother never wanted it known publicly. My father 'died in the war' and since Mum was not in her home town at the time no-one knew for certain although with hindsight I'm sure some guessed, but we were certainly not ostracised or 'regarded as the lowest of low!' She actually worked for the council and once told me that some people thought she was unmarried as they believed the council gave unmarried mothers priority for jobs! (not true by the way!)
'The child would have had the stigma of being born out of wedlock, and that is the polite way of putting it!.' Well, no actually. Despite living in poor circumstances I, for one, had a good childhood. I fully recognise that not every illegitimate child had the same experience but society was not quite so rigid in its reactions as people sometimes make out.

travelgran

Lost Children
Polly Toynbee, 1985
The story of adopted children searching for their mothers.
NON – FICTION
Coronet Books
ISBN 0 34040 474 0

I read this book some years ago and still remember some of the outcomes. Whatever the result don't underestimate the impact on the 'child' and their existing family. Don't know if you can still get it.

ccygirl

Hi, I am a very happily adopted daughter. I could not have wished for better parents and count myself very lucky.

However a few years ago I got curious and obtained my original birth certificate, this led me to contacting the adoption facility where I had stayed while waiting for new parents. The file they had on me was quite detailed and gave me a lot of information including my Birth parents names. It also held letters and other correspondance. It was quite emotional reading and allowed me to understand that my initail feelings of rejection when I found out I was adopted were wrong and perhaps the situation was more difficult than i could understand at the time. Also I found out that I was infact the second child from my birth mother to have been adopted and somewhere I have a half brother.

What I also discovered was alot of adoptions were arranged privately then (1960/70's) and my birth mother knew where I was for a large part of my life and would have been able to find me quite easily if she had wanted to. She may also have had friends in the area who could tell herhow I was, if she was interested.

I don't feel the need to pursue this at the moment but feelings can change and I wouldn't dismiss it. If my birth mother dosen't want contact fair enough, but you can't change what has been done and sometimes people are faced with things they would rather not be. I don't see this as my problem it would be hers.

As your life goes on you have more understanding and you realise that people may not always have made the right decisions, or decisions you like. It is very personal but I am glad that i have taken this small step and found out about my heritage and a bit of medical information I didn't have before.