Trace birth mother or not?

HooCanTellMee

Hi everyone,
Sorry for the long post.
Love some perspective, on the above. My husband was adopted at 6 months, parents were not married, mother seventeen and father a teacher. Not sure why they could not be together, but this was the 1950's, may have been because of sectarian, age, father already married or any other reason! Fast forward, husband has never tried to trace his birth parents, his adoptive parents would have been hurt if he had.
Their adoptive daughter was very resentful of them, felt she would have been better off with birth mother, richer, better treated etc, there was a lot of conflict and their relationship was, and still is, very strained! My husband loves his adoptive parents, they are his parents! He has been a little curious, but very reluctant to in any way cause hurt to his adoptive parents. I can see his point of view but, as a Mum, I do wonder if there is a woman in her early seventies who would love to know what happened to her baby, even if she had given him up for adoption. Back then it may not even have been her choice, from what has been let slip, she was only seventeen and Catholic!
I wonder if there is anyway I could maybe trace her, I would let my husband know what I was doing, but it would be me not him doing the search!
Would there be any unofficial way of doing this, I know his birth date, where he was adopted, and where he was born. He doesn't need therapy, is a very grounded man, we have a happy stable family. Is there anywhere people post if they are looking for their offspring?
What would you do? This would never effect the relationship between him and his parents, but I am sure they feel that this would cause the same sort of distress that happened when his adoptive sister traced her birth parent. Time is marching on, it could already be too late, his mother may have already passed on.

Bloomin_Freezing2

When registering DD2's birth we asked out DH's Mum, she walked out when he was 15 months old and that was the last time he saw her. The registrar said he could get a copy of her birth certificate if he knew her name (and probably more info like where she comes from and date of birth) and this would cost about 7.50.

In the end DH decided not to bother looking, every so often I look on facebook, she does live locally and has a not too common surmane, has about 10 other kids - one which she gave to her friend when it was born :eek: not out of the kindness of her heart, but just that she didn't want it. No idea why she went on to have so many more.

daska

Of course there are unofficial ways of searching but think very carefully about the impact of doing this. There are very good reasons for taking it slowly and using a third party who understands the implications for ALL parties. His mother may not want contact of any kind. Her children may not know anything about their older brother etc etc etc. Tread carefully, rose beds have thorns.

pinkclouds

Personally, I wouldn't bother unless you are concerned about family medical history. I really don't see the point. He *has* parents. This woman is a stranger.

What are you hoping to achieve? To create a new relationship with someone you don't know? Presumably she had valid reasons for her choices. She may be dead. She may tell you she's not interested. Would that disappoint you? How would this affect your hubby? It seems to me that you are doing this for you, rather than him. Is it because you've had kids and can't understand why anyone would voluntarily choose to give up a baby for adoption? You already have a family. You don't need another one. Sorry if I sound blunt. I just really don't understand why people want to trace "birth" parents. There are some adopted (older) people in my wider family and no one is interested in where they came from, just that they are here. Kids are a blessing however they turn up. And they are still cousins/aunties/uncles regardless of blood.

peachyprice

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

What would you do?

Leave well alone is what I would do. This has the potential to hurt so so many people, your OH, his adoptive family, his birth mother and her whole family, his biological father and his whole family, the list is endless. And please don't kid yourself that it won't effect his relationship with his family, it will.

He's lived his whole life without knowing about his mother, and doesn't really sound like he's that bothered to find her. I don't think, unless it's something he is determined to find out and has thought and spoken about in depth you should interfere.

shy-but-need-help

If she was unmarried and seventeen you have a very good chance she then went on to get married and have a family- if she's never told them then it won't just be her life you are hugely impacting on.

Your husband is happy, has parents he loves and has never looked himself therefore I'd probably leave it. I can only imagine his parents have spent a life dreading that eventually a birth parent would appear and over-shadow their relationship with their children, I think as they are most likely very old now it would be quite upsetting for them.

whitewing

I've been enjoying watching Long Lost Families on Thursday evening, and on that basis would say that it could be enriching to know the story and to see where the physical features come from. However, I've very aware that there are other things the programme does not show you. There was a father there a couple of weeks ago whose daughter had been looking for him. It didn't sound like he had ever told his wife (I don't think he knew that the pregnancy had carried on). They had 5 boys. I always wonder how the wife felt because I could imagine there being some really conflicting emotions,although it wasn't lke the husband had cheated on her or anything.

CH27

It has GOT to be your husband's choice.

p_joker

Take a look at the prog on thursday evenings long lost family, its easy to think a mum who gives her child up as a baby doesn't care but in most of the cases on there they have never forgotten the babies and it has haunted them, things were very different years ago. Its very heart warming to see them reunited on there.

peachyprice

p_joker wrote: »

Take a look at the prog on thursday evenings long lost family, its easy to think a mum who gives her child up as a baby doesn't care but in most of the cases on there they have never forgotten the babies and it has haunted them, things were very different years ago. Its very heart warming to see them reunited on there.

But how many bad endings are there for the happy endings shown on that programme?

I would imagine there are quite a few old ladies and old men watching that hoping it never happens to them.

joanne0620

I would leave well alone!

This is from an adopted child's point of view, I was adopted at just over 2 weeks old in 1972.

If your husband really wanted to find the lady who gave birth to him he would have done so by now and of his own accord.

You have no idea what you are potentially letting yourself and your husband in for, like another poster has said if she was only 17 then she may have gone on to marry someone else and have another family who know nothing about your husband.

My decision has been the same since I was old enough to understand about my being adopted, I never want to know anything about the lady who gave birth to me, I have no inclination whatsoever, so much so that I have no contact requested on my files. And I'm even more determined now I have a child of my own, my Mum thought I would go the other way and be curious once DS came along but I'm not at all.

OP, I don't mean to be rude but it reads like you are doing this for yourself and not your husband, that it is you who is curious and not him.

Please let him decide for himself, you may not get the fabulous joyful reunion you seem to be looking for!