Trace birth mother or not?

daska

A very dear friend of mine was badly hurt when her 'son' found her. She hadn't had the option of keeping him, she was still at school and caring for a terminally ill mother. She wasn't able to have any more children so she was thrilled when he turned up but all her 'son' wanted to do was tell her how selfish she'd been. No, it doesn't always end happily.

Pollycat

I'd ask your husband point blank how he feels about you doing it.

From what you say, it's YOU who is curious and keen to find this woman.
I personally feel that if he's not pushing to find his birth mother (and it sounds like he isn't) then it's not really any of your business.

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

My husband loves his adoptive parents, they are his parents!
He has been a little curious, but very reluctant to in any way cause hurt to his adoptive parents. I can see his point of view but, as a Mum, I do wonder if there is a woman in her early seventies who would love to know what happened to her baby, even if she had given him up for adoption. Back then it may not even have been her choice, from what has been let slip, she was only seventeen and Catholic!

What would you do? This would never effect the relationship between him and his parents, but I am sure they feel that this would cause the same sort of distress that happened when his adoptive sister traced her birth parent. Time is marching on, it could already be too late, his mother may have already passed on.

I feel that what you are proposing to do WILL possibly (even Probably) cause hurt to your OH's adoptive parents.
You've said how hurt they felt when his sister traced her mother.

I think it potentially has the power to seriously affect the relationship between him & his parents, his parents' relationship with you and even between you and your OH.

My advice is "Leave well alone".

p-pincher

I think it depends on what you husband wants to do.

For every story of long lost families meeting and it being a joyous and happy occasion theres always one where it goes the other way and ends in disaster. But if your husband decides hes happy for you to do it he'll need to prepare for the worst, like you say she could have passed away or she might not want to meet him.

My aunt was adopted as a baby, my nana was forced to give her up by her mum (this was the 40's) and she was devastated. My aunt traced her birth family when my mum was pregnant with me and it was a very happy ending, there all really close, my mum and aunt and she was very close with my nan before she passed away but she never told her adoptive parents that she had traced her bith family as she knew thay would be devastated. They have both passed away now but she introduced my mum as a friend not her sister.

Amanda65

Another vote here for leaving well alone if you OH isn't interested. My DH has never known his father, and in fact until he was in his late 20's thought he had died when DH was a baby and only 2 years ago found out that he is still alive !

Out of pure nosiness I would love to know why he never had contact with DH (DH's mother died nearly 20 years ago and was spectacularly unhelpful but as we don't know what went on cannot judge). However DH is not interested and I would never go against his wishes - who knows what can of worms it would open up.

If and when your OH decided to search for his birth mother, by all means support him 100%, but my advice until then would be leave well alone.

Errata

I think that through Social Services and adoptee can register their wish to contact their birth mother, and a birth mother can registeer their wish to contact an adopted child. As this seems perfectly straightforward, I can't see why a 'search' couldn't be done through the appropriate channel as opposed to being sneaky about it.

whitewing

A common theme on the somewhat biased 'Long Lost Family' is that birth parents haven't registered/got in touch because theyfeel 'Who am I to say I'm your parent; I gave you away'. So just because a birth parent isn't registered, doesn't mean they don't want contact.

I think using an agency/third party would be a god way to go if your DH wants to proceed.

scooby088

If your OH hasn't bothered or isn't fussed about it then why are you taking an interest in it, he must be quite happy in the fact that he has already got two parents he loves why rock an happy boat? Personally speaking i wouldn't want to look up a person who gave me away no matter what, best to leave it to your OH if he shows the desire to start looking.

Pollycat

scooby088 wrote: »

If your OH hasn't bothered or isn't fussed about it then why are you taking an interest in it, he must be quite happy in the fact that he has already got two parents he loves why rock an happy boat? Personally speaking i wouldn't want to look up a person who gave me away no matter what, best to leave it to your OH if he shows the desire to start looking.

scooby088, I agree with your first sentence but with regards to your second one, I think there are all sorts of reasons why a mother would make a decision (or even be forced into making a decision) to give up her child.
Making that decision doesn't make them a bad person.

I'm not adopted but I think that if I were I'd not want to find my biological parents but you never know what you'd do if you were in that position.

FatVonD

My mum had a baby adopted in the '50s (she's not Catholic ) and she would be absolutely devastated if the child were to contact her.

I think you need to put your own curiosity to one side and give some serious thought as to what it was like to be an unmarried mother in 1950s, it was nothing like it is today or even in '60s. Unmarried mothers were sent away to homes 'for naughty girls' to have their babies and the shame has tainted her whole life (including her relationship with her subsequent child, ie me.) Nobody outside the family knows about it (I only know after my aunt's husband threatened to tell everyone during a messy divorce so she told me before he could) and if she had to tell everyone she knows now it would destroy her.

This woman is 70 years old, leave her be.

TonyMMM

Your husband can apply for a copy of any papers relating to his adoption (which should give him a copy of his original birth certificate, with his mother's , and possibly his father's name), but only he can do this - not you on his behalf.

As a genealogist I have recently managed to find a birth mother for someone in almost identical circumstances - it can be done, but requires some luck, and is easier the more unusual the name.

If he decides it is something he wants to do, his first step should be to contact one of the adoption intemediary services for advice.