Trace birth mother or not?

juliethemuse

i met my natural mother 20 years ago for the first and last time, she wasnt interested in me, i dont know what i was searching for but i really wish i hadnt bothered,

catfish50

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

I wonder if there is anyway I could maybe trace her, I would let my husband know what I was doing, but it would be me not him doing the search!

OP, my husband was also adopted, and was reluctant to trace his birth mother. I felt then, and still feel now, the adopted person is the only one who can do it. I've often wished that our children knew more about their genetic inheritance on their father's side (for health issues), and I did put that to my husband once or twice, but he was still reluctant so it was not pursued.

Later we separated, and he remarried, and had another family. The next wife was insistent about it, and he finally did trace his birth mother. The news was not good. I don't want to post the details but it just left him feeling bad.

Maybe it's best left to the person who was adopted to decide if they want it traced. I hope you and your husband come to a decision you're both happy with.

onlyroz

I also don't understand why *you* want to trace the birth mother if your husband isn't interested. I'd leave it well alone.

HooCanTellMee

Hi Everyone,
Lots of thoughts and I take them all in. My husband has been curious for a number of years, but very unwilling to upset his parents. He saw what they went through with his adoptive sister. Unlike his sister,he has no resentment towards his adoptive parents, or birth mother, he had a happy childhood and no regrets and certainly no illusions that he would have had a better life with his birth mother.
No it is not really about me, I have a close family, my kids have not missed out, they have Grandparents on both sides, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. But there is this idea that somewhere there is a woman who would just like to know what happened to her baby. I can see all sides of this, his birth mother may not wish to know, she may have a family who had no idea that she had a son, my husband is not looking for someone to depend on, he has had a normal family life. By that I mean like any other family with the normal ups and downs. I think it is more to just make sure his birth mother is not out there looking for him, and a very normal sense of wonder, does he look like her or does she have hammer toes too!
I really am looking for perspective, it is not my choice and I certainly would not do anything without my husband being totally happy with it. When my husband was adopted his new parents were TOLD they were to have no contact at all with the birth mother, whether they wished to or not! We are both in our fifties now, and there is a thought if we don't make a decision now, it may be too late, his mother will be in her mid seventies, so unlikely to have a young family to disrupt. On the other side of the coin, it could cause serious implications for us, what would we do if she did want to become a part of the family?
Maybe, it is better to just leave well alone, that is the easy option in many ways. This certainly seems to be the consensus anyway.
I wish there was somewhere to check if a birth parent was looking to find their child, if his birth mother is not interested then, apart from the vague curiosity my husband has, we could just get on with life.
Still like to hear your views, and I am grateful for all of them, positive or not, they are just what I wanted. Other ways of looking at the situation. I am now leaning towards just letting things carry on as they are and not rock the boat.

RAS

There is actually a register of birth parents seeking adopted children. If she wanted to make contact, sher would have been advised to sign up there.

daska

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

I wish there was somewhere to check if a birth parent was looking to find their child

The Adoption Contact Register

NORCAP

I should possibly add that my friend had registered as wanting to be contacted but that her 'son' deliberately avoided using the intermediary services available. 6 years later she's still in counselling. It really isn't something to undertake on a whim.

Pollycat

HooCanTellMee wrote: »

But there is this idea that somewhere there is a woman who would just like to know what happened to her baby.

You don't know whether she wants to trace her son or not.
Why not just leave it up to her to make the decision.
She probably has the most to lose.

What purpose would it serve if you did trace her and:

• she rejected her son again or
• you caused her extreme distress by bringing up something that happened years ago or
• you caused problems within her 'new' family or
• she had died

lookingforsun

It's a very emotive subject & one that has negatives positives.

I don't agree with those who don't understand looking up birth parents, as adoptees *have* parents - in some cases I don't agree that adoptive parents are real parents.

There have been a number of cases recently, where it has transpired that children have been removed from their families, and adopted out. Often, on flimsy evidence. There was a case where the elder children in a family were removed from their parents care, and subsequently adopted, and the family went abroad, in hiding, as the social services were going to remove their baby when born. It later transpired that the family had a genetic condition which caused their symptoms, and the couple were allowed to keep the baby, and the judge said that social services were wrong to remove the older children - he couldn't, however, remove the older children (why they don't reverse adoptions in cases like these is nothing short of cruelty).

The adoptive parents in cases like these ARE NOT the real parents - they should only be regarded as custodians - however legal the adoption may be, however much it is not their fault - they cannot be real parents, in the same way as someone who adopts an UNWANTED child.

On the other hand, my aunt was adopted. She had an unhappy childhood (sexually abused by her adoptive father), and traced her birth mother - who didn't want to know her - so awful in her case.

HooCanTellMee

Thanks RAS,
Could you tell me where to find the Register and how can it be accessed? Would it be possible to find out if my husband's birth mother was looking for him without having to register himself. Knowing where the birth mother came from, her age and the date of birth of my husband should narrow down our search.
I think if she is not on the Register that will be the end of the search, if she is happy with things as they are my husband would certainly not like to upset her world in any way! He bears no grudge and I am more than willing to carry on as we are.

daska

daska wrote: »

The Adoption Contact Register

NORCAP

see above...