Lack of intimacy in relationship

somethingsgottogive

Something someone else said just gave me a lightbulb moment - Did your GF switch to the mini pill or something after the first 6 months? That can cause both weight gain and a total loss of libido!

mr_jim

Hi guys. Thanks for all of the posts!

We had a bit of chat about the intimacy issue and I feel a lot better now. We discussed a few other matters aswell, which was good.

Hopefully we can start getting back to how we used to be

Thanks for all of the advice

Percy1983

Good stuff, glad you got the courage to say how you feel.

Hopefully everything will be fine.

mr_jim

Lol Lauren - those are not the issues at all but thanks for posting

hinat

Hi, Can anyone tell me what do you call a husband if he only likes one thing s - x and never says any sweet things like "you look wonderful", "wow", "what shall we do today", romantic poems, romantic gestures, intimacy because i live with someone who is, i just have to keep ignoring it, his bad habits, argue all the time, its ruining our lifes with familes and relatives being pathetic, i would like to run away with my gorgoeus kids but where? Husband does not care about me or my family but just uses us and talks about us in front of other familes and relatives when we meet them in there homes, so he only takes us out to be humiliated and to never answer back, just because other certain families don't know how to speak much, only speaking simple stuff like, "how are you", "whats your name"?
what does he/she do as a living? "What is your age" "when is he/she going to nursery, school, " "When are you going abroad" "Congratulations" or " sorry to hear" and other simple things, no- one goes into more conversation much! whats the point of going to someones house or somewhere else and saying the same things, it gets boring unless someone has something new to say, My husband expects me to speak but to shut up sometimes so that he can talk about me. I have no friends and helpful families from my side of families because no-one knows what he is playing at with his so called cruel ways of pathetic talk and his fiery b-tt who only wants s-x. if i try explaing to my families they would say i am being silly and mental because they said that to me a couple of times and i know them really well, its complete mental torture. My husband might be going to hell when he d--s. He only cares for his side of the family not my family and he doesn't about our family either, all he does is two faced stuff and sometimes he would lie about my parents when i know them really well that they are not like that, he's a troublecauser. He is never religious only sometimes but whats the point if he assumes this life is for fun and cruel ways of life, this should be a world of love, peace ,unity and respect. If i know whats best and know how to speak better why do i have to be treated as if i have to be uneducated. I know my other families they don't have the same problems as me, and can't tell them my problems, one thing is am the eldest of my family who i used to belong to, all my bro's/ sis are married and live separtely with there own kids, they all have good husbands/ wives but i'm the one who was bullied at school, crap jobs chosen by my parents, crap husband chosen by parents, me and husband argue and i don't want him taking my kids away because he is pathetic and cruel. He is just using us so that my kids got to look after him in his old age and he doens't want to go peoples houses by himself without kids because he assumes everyone will laugh at him and say " wheres your children, don't you have any children "" your wife too clever is she" and laugh, because parents be proud of themselves, especiely if they have good jobs, clever polite children with good behaviour. parents and others who might know us will be proud too and about there own kids. My husband always criticises me and says there could be better people then you, I just don't want to go near that b tt Anyway! Anyway i have to get some help? but if you can tell me how i can make my family life better, let me know? Bye!

mr_jim

Hi Hinat - maybe try posting your message in a new thread.

gettingready

OP - you seem to enjoy intimacy, you just do not have s...x from what I see in your posts so call it what it is....

As someone pointed before, she may not enjoy it with you or... she may simply not like s...x at all. As simple as that.

mr_jim

Very insighful...

Thanks to most people again for your comments. I hope the people in similar scenarios manage to get through your problems and are happy

How do I close the thread?

Dinah93

mr_jim wrote: »

I know it dies down is relationships a bit, I just wish it didn't have to and certainly not to this level!

I find it really sad that this is the common belief, because it doesn't have to be true. I've been with my husband just over 3 years and we're definately a lot more intimate now than we were at the start. When you reach your mid 20s/30s and maybe you've both been with a few people sex can easily fall onto the to do list if it's just standard been there done that sex. To really want it it needs to be a connection, and you need to be having it pretty frequently to know one anothers bodies well enough to see stars - by which point you just keep having more and more of it because it's become so enjoyable. At the start it was just sex, a physical want, but now it's a real connection that makes me embarrassed to meet my neighbours in the eye... well that takes it from once a week to once a day territory. I'm by no means suggesting you're bad in bed together, just if it's just same old same old, it's very easy to think 'why bother?'.

There is a school of thought that there are 5 'love languages'. It's a theory created by a Christian therapist but don't let that put you off. The idea is that everyone feels love in different ways, and a lot of relationship issues are down to people not understanding their partner's 'language' and assuming their other half feels loved the same as they feel loved. The languages are:

Words of Affirmation (compliments, praise when they do something well or that pleases you such as a fantastic dinner, thank you for ironing my shirt/running the bath etc)
Quality Time (setting aside time to go out for the day, do an activity that matters to your other half, joining an evening class in one of her interests rtogether like learning to cook or going running together, unplugging from everything else and just being with one another)
Receiving Gifts (self explanatory really!)
Acts of Service (Odd title, but basically doing things for your other half, making dinner for her if she always cooks, cleaning up while she takes a bath or reads a book or whatever, doing the grocery run, doing her least favourite household task etc)
Physical Touch (holding hands, massage, hand on small of back when in company, making love, snuggling up on the sofa)

If you google you can read more about the theory and take tests if you're having difficulties working out which one you/your partner is. You might be saying she's beautiful/sexy, but if that isn't a way she feels loved then it'll just wash right over her. It's a case of finding in which way she feels like she's your world and you love her even if she can't understand why. Rosered's post highlights this - her husband needed intimacy like you do to feel loved, but your fiance might not think of it as that important and can quite simply believe it's more important you make one another laugh/can talk about anything/have the same hobbies.

It sounds a bit wishy washy but since reading the book I can honestly say my hsuband and I are a lot more connected, as we know how to make the other one feel loved and valued. And by having that continual closeness sex is very much a part of it, rather than being a 'big deal' or an act almost seperate from your relationship.

You may have an idea already how you both feel loved, you clearly have quite a draw towards physical even if it isn't your primary language. Try your hardest to work on what you think what might be her language and see the results. People's language can change over time ie a lady who has just had a baby might previously have liked physical affection, but right now her husband cooking her dinner and putting a wash on while she sits down for 20mins of peace might make her feel much more spoilt.

I hope that helps, I understand it's a theory that might not work for you, but it really helps us keep our relationship focussed and intimate.

anguk

hinat wrote: »

Hi, Can anyone tell me what do you call a husband if he only likes one thing s - x and never says any sweet things like "you look wonderful", "wow", "what shall we do today", romantic poems, romantic gestures, intimacy because i live with someone who is, i just have to keep ignoring it, his bad habits, argue all the time, its ruining our lifes with familes and relatives being pathetic, i would like to run away with my gorgoeus kids but where? Husband does not care about me or my family but just uses us and talks about us in front of other familes and relatives when we meet them in there homes, so he only takes us out to be humiliated and to never answer back, just because other certain families don't know how to speak much, only speaking simple stuff like, "how are you", "whats your name"?
what does he/she do as a living? "What is your age" "when is he/she going to nursery, school, " "When are you going abroad" "Congratulations" or " sorry to hear" and other simple things, no- one goes into more conversation much! whats the point of going to someones house or somewhere else and saying the same things, it gets boring unless someone has something new to say, My husband expects me to speak but to shut up sometimes so that he can talk about me. I have no friends and helpful families from my side of families because no-one knows what he is playing at with his so called cruel ways of pathetic talk and his fiery b-tt who only wants s-x. if i try explaing to my families they would say i am being silly and mental because they said that to me a couple of times and i know them really well, its complete mental torture. My husband might be going to hell when he d--s. He only cares for his side of the family not my family and he doesn't about our family either, all he does is two faced stuff and sometimes he would lie about my parents when i know them really well that they are not like that, he's a troublecauser. He is never religious only sometimes but whats the point if he assumes this life is for fun and cruel ways of life, this should be a world of love, peace ,unity and respect. If i know whats best and know how to speak better why do i have to be treated as if i have to be uneducated. I know my other families they don't have the same problems as me, and can't tell them my problems, one thing is am the eldest of my family who i used to belong to, all my bro's/ sis are married and live separtely with there own kids, they all have good husbands/ wives but i'm the one who was bullied at school, crap jobs chosen by my parents, crap husband chosen by parents, me and husband argue and i don't want him taking my kids away because he is pathetic and cruel. He is just using us so that my kids got to look after him in his old age and he doens't want to go peoples houses by himself without kids because he assumes everyone will laugh at him and say " wheres your children, don't you have any children "" your wife too clever is she" and laugh, because parents be proud of themselves, especiely if they have good jobs, clever polite children with good behaviour. parents and others who might know us will be proud too and about there own kids. My husband always criticises me and says there could be better people then you, I just don't want to go near that b tt Anyway! Anyway i have to get some help? but if you can tell me how i can make my family life better, let me know? Bye!

Hi Hinat, when I first read your post my immediate thought was leave him but reading between the lines I'm wondering if you're from a culture where leaving your husband would be frowned upon, difficult to do and also not supported by your parents?

It's just one thing leapt out at me and that's where you said your parents chose your husband. Was it an arranged marriage? Has it ever been good in your marriage or was there problems from the start? It seems to me as if you've just been used as a baby-making machine and as a way to improve his standing in the community.