Lack of intimacy in relationship

mr_jim

Hello

I am just after people's advice, opinions etc as I'm really struggling.

I have been with my fiancee for just under 2 years. The first 6 months-year were incredible (hence the quick proposal) and we were very much in love and a lack of intimacy was definitely not a problem!!

The last year has been different. We still love each other but don't seem to be quite as close in general. The main problem (for me at least) is the lack of intimacy.

We are still very close in terms of kissing, hugging etc and I still love her very much but we have hardly had any sexual contact for months.

I occasionally try but it is so hard being knocked back. She always says she is stressed with work and doesn't feel at all confident with how she looks. This is despite me telling her how gorgeous she is.

I love her and don't want to give her up but I wouldn't be willing to get married etc into a relationship without that close contact, feelings and fun...

I am trying to be patient but it's so difficult.

What do you guys think?

Dave101t

you communicate well? hug and kiss lots? well its still there then isnt it, id say you need to get your point across more, MAKE her listen as id say she is perhaps too comfortable in your relationship which is why the effort has diminished.
but if only the 1st 6 months was good and your on a 18 month dry spell then you need to consider finding someone else.

is she the one? if she is you need to be communicating with her on all levels, all the time. im married 18 months now and we only usually have sex once a month, tho sometimes 5 times a week, it all depends but we always talk about it and everything in our lives.

mr_jim

Thanks for the reply.

We communicate OK and like I said the closeness - snuggling up on the sofa etc isn't a problem.

I just feel if I do mention about it again, it will come out like I'm only after one thing and she'll say you know I don't feel comfortable at the minute etc etc...

I don't believe in 'the one' but obviously I felt she was somebody I could spend my life with happily, but I don't think that would be the case without a good s*x life.

I know it dies down is relationships a bit, I just wish it didn't have to and certainly not to this level!

flutterby_lil

I have been with my boyfriend two years and our sex life is still as hot as ever, probably more so now. We go through phases where we probably don't have s*x for about two - three weeks due to children, work, family gatherings, too much beer, or even tired lol, but we understand. We are very loving and affectionate towards each other and kiss and cuddle all the time. I, like you, would not like not to be intimate as for me it is something special between us which confirms our love for each other and we both love what we share together.

If there have been times when we have felt like we have not been close for a while I have approached him and jokingly asked if he has gone off me, to which he tells me he has just been stressed, busy with work etc.......I think the key is to talk and ask if there is a reason. I too am not 100% happy with my body but it doesn't stop me. Maybe compliment her more, (not saying you don't already), arrange for a date, meal and a few drinks at a nice restaurant which you have both enjoyed before. Maybe she doesn't feel i treated like she wants to do. I know in the past if I have not felt loved enough or been treated like a princess and taken for granted I personally would not want sex. The longer you don't have s*x the longer she won't want to, but the more you have it the more she will want it.

Hope i have helped and not just rambled.

Good luck

Darlyd

I am having the exact same problem as you OP. I been with my partner for 8 years married now. We have hugs, kisses, tell eachother we love eachother every few hours, we are best friends, we have a laugh, lots of fun BUT there is just no intimicy, He likes a drink every night, goes to bed 9pm-10pm as he has an early start for work, always stressed (he never shows it but obviousley he is) over work, his mum, sister, DD. Always something.

I will admit because of the lack of initimcy it makes me feel less confident, unsexy, I get pushed back when I tried, I have even put his fave outfit on but no he not interested. I am so frustrated, I have also tried talking to him. (bangs head against a brick wall). I love him so much, but I can't live with the lack of it. And 8 years down the line I been seriously thinking of leaving as I am so frustrated I am not happy. But I don't want to leave, he has his problems but he loves me and I love him. urghh

What I am trying to say is, your relationship is still pretty new, Think of your future, take her away even if it's camping for a night with candles, mashmallows etc, do something romantic and tell her you don't want to lose her but the lack of sex is scaring you. (in your own words) .

When me and hubby have been away it's perfect!

flutterby_lil

darlyd and OP - you both sound like you want more sex so why not swap partners and leave yours to each other with a sexless relationship!!

Sorted

mr_jim

Lol Flutterby

Thanks for the replies. It is very frustrating darlyd isn't it? It does make me feel unwanted aswell but she says it's nothing to do with me and that she does still love/want me. I've also tried wearing things she's said she likes in the past etc! Getting away would be good but we can't afford it. We do try and do some nice things though and have a weekend away in a few months.

I compliment her everyday even though she just disagrees with whatever nice thing I say everytime.

If I ask I know the answer will be because I don't feel comfortable/confident enough but we need to walk about it soon as it's really getting me down and it's not fair to just let it build up even more and leave without explaining things and giving her a chance.

I just wish we were like we used to be...

flutterby_lil

Can you get her a book about anxiety and self esteem issues, I have read one as I suffer from anxiety and lack of self confidence and it really helped me see myself as a better person and not as it appears your girlfriend sees herself.

Good luck OP.

Errata

she says it's nothing to do with me and that she does still love/want me

If that's what she says, you need to challenge her because it's everything to do with you.

jetta_wales

I know how it feels and was in a similar position too, it totally hammered my self confidence. However I can't offer a solution (well I can but you won't like it) because I left him in the end for that and other reasons.

It took my current partner 12 months to get me to the point where he could say I was pretty and I wouldn't feel compelled to disagree with him or shake my head every time. I didn't even realise it was so significant until the first time he said it and I just said "thank you" he then pointed out how longh he'd been trying to achieve that from even before we were actually a couple. 3 years later and we're still going strong and I am pretty and I can say so myself now too :-) He's changed my life completely.

Sorry it's not an answer you were looking for but that was the answer for me.

Pee

Could you really not afford to get away? The camping with marshmallows idea wouldn't be expensive. (Not much good if she wouldn't be into camping, though.)

That has worked for me. I'm in a similiar position although not engaged, I'm totally commited and I feel I couldn't end it because I was unhappy with the lack of sex because I know the reasons for this, health issues and lack-of-work stress. Getting away has helped us in the past and we do talk about. The trouble is that he accepts it's an issue, that he isn't being fair and several weeks later we have the same conversation. I think not working and being a bit reliant on me financially stops him feeling like a man. He also has a completely exaggerated view of how reliant on me he is.

It does make me feel unattractive and it also makes me much more aware of other men. The trouble is if you are female and not getting enough in a relationship, there are plenty of other options out there it's not like if I wasn't getting enough commitment, conversation or cuddles. If I wasn't as happy as I am with everything else about the relationship, I would leave.

Only you can decide whether the rest of the relationship outweighs this issue, and I think you are fairly clear that it doesn't.