Lack of intimacy in relationship

Errata

mr_jim wrote: »

We don't have kids but have spoken about the possibilty (although it wouldn't be for a few years).

I try and balance paying her compliments kissing her etc without her feeling constantly pressured. I don't want it to be 10 years later and still be as we are now - I would never cheat on somebody but the thought that p*rn would be the only stimulation is horrid.

She is by no means fat, but thinks she is overweight as she has been slimmer before. Again, it doesn't matter what I say...

Of course it doesn't matter what you say, she believes her opinion is far superior to yours.
A suggestion: go back to snogging and heavy petting but don't do the deed, after a while it may make you both more comfortable and enable you to spontaneously have intercourse.

andygb

I think the problems with lack of intimacy/good sexual relations, can often be put down to work. If your partner is always stressed, is busy or worried at work, then very often they just want to unwind at home. They may look on the sexual side as just another pressure which they can do without.
I found this about ten years ago, I was constantly tired, irritable, did not want any nookie. I just wanted to chill out all the time when I was at home. Work was bad, going from one contract to another, under pressure all the time.
Unknown to me, I also had another illness which went undiagnosed for a few years, which was at the heart of the problem.
I think that it is important for couples to find time to talk calmly about their problems, rather than just let things fester away, getting moodier and more resentful.

clearing_out_my_pockets

Errata wrote: »

Of course it doesn't matter what you say, she believes her opinion is far superior to yours.
A suggestion: go back to snogging and heavy petting but don't do the deed, after a while it may make you both more comfortable and enable you to spontaneously have intercourse.

I agree with this. I have body issues. My OH tells me I am pretty, look nice, yadda yadda yadda... It doesn't matter what he *says* what matters is how I *feel*.

I think you should have a heart to heart with your OH - you know how she's feeling and you're trying to be sensitive to her feelings. It's only fair that she knows how you're feeling.

mr_jim

Good advice re the above.

I would quite like a cheeky snog sometimes without it leading to other things anyway!

I'll bring up the subject at a good time if there is such a thing.

Judith_W

My and hubby are going through the same at the mo with me being the one putting sex off and that level of intimacy makes me slightly uncomfortable sometime for some reason. Have you tried slowly building up to it? E.g. offer a massage no strings attached if she is feeling stressed. After a few she might feel like a bit more, but never make her feel that it has to go all the way, as that is not always the most enjoyable for the woman.

And don't underestimate the level that feeling up for it is related to the washing up, laundry etc!! Cooking her a nice meal and ensure the house is tidy may take some stress away.

LillythePink

I have gone through this myself but it was me that didn't want it.

With my ex, I didn't even want kisses/cuddles as I knew where he would try and lead it, there were two issues for me:

1) I was very busy and stressed at work and when I got home, just wanted to chill out, which then made me sleepy
2) I just didn't really fancy him anymore and there was no excitement in our relationship - we were more like brother/sister - I loved him, but wasn't in love with him.

Our sex life only picked up when I started talking to my now OH on the internet - it wasn't all cybersex or trying to get me into bed (we lived over 600 miles from each other), but it was because someone was paying me attention and listening to me.

Three months later I left him and we got it together. We have had dry spells and yes, it has been down to me, but that was mainly caused by the pill - which I am now not on, so it's almost back to how it was 10 years ago

It's good that you can still be tactile with each other - hugging and kissing and snuggling on the sofa, but, have you asked if she still fancies you? (Sorry to ask)

I agree with what someone else said....the less you have it the less you want it, the more you have it the more you want it - that's what i can be like as well.

What do you do apart from sitting on the sofa watching tv? You say that she doesn't think she's attractive or that she is overweight - but is she doing anything to get out of this slump exercise wise? even taking an evening stroll would help - why not suggest that you both do that?

Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much someone tells you nice things or gives compliments, you just don't believe it, but I am sure that if you stopped saying those things, then she would notice and then maybe either say something to you about it or retreat away from you not cuddling/kissing etc

I think that you probably need to have a real open and honest discussion about what is going on in your relationship - and yes, even saying stuff like I don't want to spend the next 50 years without sex.

You need to support her if she is stressed at work but she also needs to support you and open up to you - only then will you really know if you want to commit to this woman and try and get back to the honeymoon stage of your relationship (which everyone knows doesn't last forever, but a halfway house situation would be good)

mr_jim

Thanks Judith. I am trying to build things up slowly but even that is a struggle.

As for housework and cooking - I do nearly all of that anyway! - but I could try and do more.

Percy1983

You say you tell her she is beautiful but do you tell her she is sexy?, I say this as next time you think she is looking sexy get very close and whipser in her ear 'you are so sexy' give her a kiss on the cheek and back off again and continue your normal life. I guess she will crack eventually.

I will say I was in a relationship similar in my younger days, in my case it ended up it was just me not having sex. :rotfl:

mr_jim

Thanks Lilly - I was wondering about contraception actually - maybe it's working a bit too well...!

She says she does fancy me.

She is a member of the gym and sometimes goes swimming with friends and tries to eat healthily but she doesn't stick to either very well.

We don't do a lot else as she is very busy but I should try and recommend more things, even if she says no.

It's clear from what people have said we need to talk about it - I fear it won't go very well though but it's best to find out.

mr_jim

Good tip Percy, I'll go for that one