Husband gone, what now?

TooSad

Not too sure I have the time to write a book tbh.

I hope he doesn't fail me either, but I was never going to walk away from my marriage as if it was a something so easily disposed of. Things are still not back on track 100% but we are working on it.

As for RacyRed I can't answer the question you pose.

TS x

Polmop

TooSad wrote: »

Not too sure I have the time to write a book tbh.

I hope he doesn't fail me either, but I was never going to walk away from my marriage as if it was a something so easily disposed of. Things are still not back on track 100% but we are working on it.

As for RacyRed I can't answer the question you pose.

TS x

Sorry have i missed loads of posts, not sure what has happened.

Hope everything is ok TS, glad to see you being really positive

bonnie_bumpkins

Hi NTSAM - how are things going with OH?

BBx

TooSad

Hi

I've not been around lately as I have been so busy with work and going here there and everywhere. Things with OH are much the same, although I did end up telling him the other night that we needed to start making positive decisons about our future. It seemed to take him by surprise me being so direct, I suppose I am still frustrated that things are moving on at a pace dictated by him, however I want things to move faster.
To be honest time has been a real factor these last few weeks and lack of it, this weekend is the first time I havent got anything on for weeks, then it is half term in a weeks time.

Tonight is my first night at home since last Thursday (!!!) OMG thats horrendous, but I have literally been that busy.

I had a fab weekend with my SIL last weekend, which was brill and also spent an evening with my MIL which was also nice.

TS x

rosered1963

Hi TooSad.

I have just read your entire thread. You are doing great!

Something remarkably similar happened with me and my husband 6 years ago (deaths in the family, other things happened to us both, and the other circs you describe, with the same result for me that you found yourself in) - not the space to go into it here - but I wanted to say this:

After weeks of agony and dancing on a pinhead trying to work out what he was thinking and feeling etc, and at the same time trying to pick myself up from what was depression (although I didn't realise it at the time), I found out what was at the root of it all, it was devastatingly simple: I lost my libido, and my husband took this to mean I did not really love him anymore. :eek:

S*x is so very important to (most) men - they see it as the expression of love. Everything else you do for them is secondary to that. I had thought of everything - except that! I was so dumbfounded that we went to bed, and after that, the communication block disappeared and we were straight back to the way we used to be. I just wanted to put that thought in your head - I'm not suggesting you do that - I'm just wondering if he is thinking that. Men and women are so different, and maybe sometimes we forget. I think the posts from men on your thread have been very perceptive. Just my opinion. I am sorry for your loss. I feel you are going to be more than ok. Lots of love and luck on your journey. x

TooSad

Thank you Rosered. I've PM'd you x

prettykitty

Hello TooSad (or NotTooSadAnyMore)!!

I read your entire thread today and wow, what a read it has been. I'm not much younger than you, have depression (medicated) and my live in boyfriend moved out suddenly three weeks ago. We are in touch and have met up twice now (although not for two weeks after he left). I have tried to follow much the same principle as you - yes I do still care about him and want to try again, but there are things in my life that I have to work on regardless of whether we try again or not.

I'm not sure if you read other forums on here but I do have a bit of an issue with alcohol. My boyfriend admitted that this was a catalyst for his decision to leave, due to my irresponsible, selfish behaviour and apparent need to drink most days. He grew up with an alcoholic father and doesn't want an alcohol dependent wife, therefore he thought things had run their course. I can't say I blame him.

I have stopped drinking and smoking - yes in part to prove to him that I can change, partly because they are expensive habits that I can't afford, and partly for my own wellbeing - if we don't get back together I need to be the best person that I can be and that means knocking these vices on the head. :A

I have been as positive and proactive as I can. I thoroughly reviewed my finances, because I need to be independent. I got myself a cat because I had been going on about it for ages and never did it. He has really helped me mentally and emotionally!

I have also applied for my decree absolute and applied for a waiver of the final stage of my law qualification, two more steps towards independence.

I put on weight during my relationship and could do with losing two stone. I had to give up the gym because it is very expensive, but I run round the block now, I have resisted the pizza and wine cravings and have started to lose weight :j

Anyway enough about me - reading your story reinforced my belief that I am moving in the right direction. I hope it all works out for you and I am in awe of your strength.

Can I just ask - going back to the beginning of your story you mentioned deactivating your Facebook account. Was that just because of the split or something you had been thinking about anyway. Do you think you are better off without it??

Best wishes

PK

TooSad

Hey PK,
Sorry to hear you are going through the same rubbish times. I feel like I am coming out the other side now, and its still an uphill battle some days but I am getting there. I am so contented in myself and happy with ME, I know I have messed things up in the last 12/18 months with how I have dealt with my mum dying and the effect this has had on my marriage and our relationship. Having said that I can't turn back the clock I can only recognise where things went awry and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Depression is such a savage illness when you finally come out the other side you realise what a massive impact it has on not only your wellbeing but that of those you love dearly. Not knowing that I was depressed is perhaps one of the most sad things about this whole situation, I didnt know, he didnt know - the rot set in. And before we knew it and could do anything about it he was gone.

I have worked so hard to make myself well again, I am still swimming and having acupuncture and am generally looking after No 1. He notices, he keeps telling me how well I am looking, I ahve lost about 1 1/2 stones since May, just through eating healthy, swimming and not drinking as much as I did. I never had a problem but I would have a glass of wine most nights with dinner.

What rosered1963 has said makes perfect sense to me, the lack of intimacy killed our relationship, I wish we could get it back, but I am scared of initiating anything as I don't want to be rejected. Pathetic really, this man is my husband, my partner of nearly 10 years and I am scared of initiating any kind of sexual contact. Any advice would be great!!!

With regards to Facebook, when I watched Jeremy Kyle (lol) when I was off work, he kept saying "Facebook, root of all evil" I have not missed it once, well I have seeing photos of my friends new babies etc, but as for people noseying into my life and me into theirs, not missed it one bit. Yes it did my OH's head in me having an account, he hates anything like that, and when he used to moan about it I though why should I delete it just because he doesnt like it, but do you know what both him and JK are right.
Did I really care that one of my friends was in starbucks having a cappuncino and cake, no not really but I would read those status updates and was living a somewhat voyeuristic life.

My advice - get rid (of Facebook) definitely the best thing I have done, and talking on the phone is far more productive.

TS xxx

prettykitty

Thank you TS for your reply.

I have been considering coming off FB for some time.
It's an excuse to be lazy with contacting your real friends. Also as you've seen on TV, how many relationships have been destroyed by Facebook...? I'm not sure that I want everyone knowing my business (you can't stop your friends posting questions which are then seized on by others!)

As for trying to rekindle the intimacy in your relationship - sorry I can't help with that one, I was too frightened of rejection to try anything even when my boyfriend lived with me! My problem (and it was/is my problem) is that I never felt that I deserved my bloke. Hence the constant anxiety, drinking and trying not to get too close, to cope with the worry that he would leave me. The irony

From reading your posts - you're looking and feeling better, he is noticing, you are living your life, not desperately begging him to come back but letting him know that the door is not closed. It seems to be working so keep going, these things take time, frustratingly!

I hope you keep posting, it's cathartic keeping a diary and you seem to have a lot of support on here. The support and advice of strangers is often the best kind because it is objective. Good luck

rosered1963

Toosad - just wrote a long pm to you and it has vanished! Sorry will try again tomorrow - maybe it's my broadband x