Help....not sure what to do.

confused2011

This may be a long one so I shall start now! Thanks in advance for reading.

I am posting under a different name as am a regular on this board and my husband does come on here at times.

I got married 7 years ago and 10 months later we had twins. I had to give up my career as my husband also works shifts and as we have no family living near by we had noone to look after the twins whilst on late/night shift. Anyway things plodded on as usual until the girls were 2 and I found at that he had lied to me about things he had frequently told me about. He said he has been in the army and served in iraq(?), he remember sitting on a plane coming home to tell a wife that her husband had died, he said it was due to a mistake he had made, he also said in the past he broke both ankles at the same time whilst training for the parachute regiment and had to give that career up due to injury...all this turned out to be one big lie. He had served in the TA for about 3 years only cos his mum told him to join up or get a career for himself. When we first met he told me a picture on his phone was that of his son, it turned out to be his sister's son! When I found all this out to be a lie I did challenge him and he said he doesn't know why he does it. He even kept spinning a story that he needed the big fluffy black socks to support his ankles since they have never been right sionce breaking both of them! His sister told me that he has never broken any legs/ankles.

Anyway the years go by we have our yearly discussion about how it is not working out and that we are drifting further apart. We haven't had sex for about 4 years now. He sees this as a rejection at times although up until a year ago he kept pesturing me. I tried to tell him that I can not get close to someone who lies and keeps lieing to me, who only showers every 10 days and has bad breathe!

My trust in him has gone and he knows that. My biggest thoughts at the moment are that it is not getting any better and we are like to people sharing a house. He says he loves my very much yet is hopeless when it comes to birthday/xmas and even needing common sense help sometimes looking after our kids. I just don't know if I love him anymore and am worried about staying with him for another year and many more.

We own our house and when we bought it I was looking after the girls so never went on the mortgage, but think I am on the needs. We have no savings.

I am so confused in how I feel and not sure if what I feel is true or my love for him is blurred by all this let down etc. He does not hit me or abuse our children. He has took out a laptop on HP without me knowing and got a skyboxplus when we decided we were not and other things too. He does not really listen to me and even I have given up talking to him about things that matter as he always seems to throw it back in my face. he likes his own way and does not like anyone who has a differing opinion and his always has to be right.

My post must seem very bitty but I am writing as I am feeling. I don't like to be near him and harldy ever kiss him properly. We still kiss cheeks when we go out but that may be out of habit. He even gets offended and takes on victim mode if I make a cuppa and don't ask him, although mostly I do.

All I desire is someone to love, have a giggle, be my bestmate, someone I can cuddle, kiss and have sex with. I want someone I can trust. I feel guilty cos he loves me more than I feel for him. yet I don't know if I love him but all that has gone on between us has clouded that fact.

We don't argue in front of the kids and I have only spoke loudly to him a few times over the past few months out of frustration and unhappiness and vice versa.

Help!!!

Sambucus_Nigra

How much longer do you want this to continue?

Jinx

Could you do a free half hour with a solicitor to see the legal options and perhapsy your local council? Once you know the avenues open you make find you naturally make a decision.

I couldnt live with a liar that must be very difficult......

confused2011

I am not sure if I love him or not and that makes me feel guilty cos he says he does love me and also we have kids. I am not sure if I lvoe him and that is clouded by all that has gone on in the past etc...hope that makes sense!

Errata

Sounds like he's a fantasist and can't be relied on for anything because he goes his own sweet way. Would you accept this behaviour from a child?

confused2011

Jinx wrote: »

Could you do a free half hour with a solicitor to see the legal options and perhapsy your local council? Once you know the avenues open you make find you naturally make a decision.

I couldnt live with a liar that must be very difficult......

I do find it very hard to trust anything he says or does and I not a person who would naturally distrust. I find myself questioning him on things that maybe are quite minor in comparison but it is all these lies added together that paints a bigger picture.

confused2011

Jinx wrote: »

Could you do a free half hour with a solicitor to see the legal options and perhapsy your local council? Once you know the avenues open you make find you naturally make a decision.

I couldnt live with a liar that must be very difficult......

I have thought about getting a free half hour session with a solicitor to see where the ground lays. Thanks.

confused2011

Errata, no def not would accept that from my children and I do tell them off if they lie about anything as want them to grow up knowing it is a good thing to tell the truth and lying can lead to people getting hurt orupset and people not wanting to be with you!

pearl123

As you probably know a relationship is built upon amoungs other things trust. He's lied to you badly. And it would appear repeatedly.
Did you ever find out why he felt the need to lie?

Errata

TBH the lies he tells are not striclty speaking lies, they're fantasies - a much bigger problem.

confused2011

pearl123...no he has never really said. I told him that I think underneathe he must feel quite insecure about himself. When it first appeared to me he lied about the army I think he said he did to impress me and then lying on top of another lie got out of hand. According to his sister he did it to her husbands friends and told them he went to med school! His sister felt really guilty as thought he had got over all these lies.