Relationship advice needed - boyfriend hasn't moved in

Amy_1984

SugarSpun wrote: »

My ex's mother was exactly the same way. We were together for nine years because I really wanted to believe that one day he'd be adult enough to tell her the way he felt about being controlled and emotionally blackmailed by her, but when I was offered a job overseas she put her foot down and he chose to stay local to her rather than transfer within his company to move with me and start an actual adult life together. It was very sad, but I didn't want to share my partner with another woman and I think the OP's in the same situation.

I do feel in a very similar position. I feel like his mistress!

Errata

Is there a cultural reason for the mother demanding that her sons and wives/children must live in the family compound?

bitsandbobs1

Oh Amy, i know how you feel. I been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5. His mum still controls us. But only the past few years have he put his foot down with her, (I was laughing my head off in my head). Since his Father passed away last year, it's got bad again, he is at her beck and call. But I understand this because I am too, She never liked me to begin with, just weary. I am just glad he chose me over her. But some people are unlucky.

You need to be a bit hard on him, trust me, Boys like this like the domineering type (like their mums), And tell him, give him an ultimatum yourself. Men feel more insecure than women.

skint_chick

I think you should start looking for someone to rent the spare room tbh. I've been here with this situation and you're not going to win - his brother is married and still living at home:eek: . The day after he nexts pay you his share of the rent and bills give him the ultimatum and tell him he has 48hours to move his stuff in that way you'll have time to find someone to share with before more rent is due.

If he genuinely wants to move forward with your relationship he'll move in - after all you didn't force him to sign a lease and agree to move in with you. Even if his mum doesn't like you just because you live together doesn't mean she won't see him - as an adult he is in control of calling round to see her or arranging to meet up with her whenever suits him and you should make it clear you have no intentions of stopping him from seeing her.

Good luck - people who lose emotional blackmail are often beyond reasonable behaviour

74jax

Amy_1984 wrote: »

Generally, the Council Tax office want proof that the person has moved out - I had this problem with a previous flatmate. Plus, there are still two of us on the lease.

What's everyone's advice if he chooses his family and refuses to pay anymore?

So if your council tax office need proof he has moved out, how did you get this proof in the first place (ie when he 'moved out' of his mothers' what proof did they need then? he can't be registered at yours and at hers.

Amy_1984

Okay, everyone. As much as I hate ultimatums, I told him he has until the end of May. I will keep everyone posted.

neneromanova

In the meantime, I would talk to the LL/LA and see what they say about you renting out the other room. That way, come the end of May, if mummy little cherub doesn't move in and stops paying, you won't be up the proverbial creek. Good luck.

NickyBat

Amy_1984 wrote: »

Okay, everyone. As much as I hate ultimatums, I told him he has until the end of May. I will keep everyone posted.

Well done!!

Noctu

Amy_1984 wrote: »

Okay, everyone. As much as I hate ultimatums, I told him he has until the end of May. I will keep everyone posted.

Well done, that can't have been easy - how did he take it?

Hern

Well done, OP, on being brave enough to issue the 'ultimatum'. But is it likely to be a one-and-only event or simply a precursor for others?

A relationship cannot sensibly ever be reduced to simple terms yet there's both truth and simplicity in appreciating that it's the bringing together of two commitments of 100% apiece.

The other person in your relationship seems to have brought a 35% commitment to you, and 65% to his mother, on which basis, you've been emotionally short-changed for quite a while.

Fingers crossed that the 'ultimatum' works. But such should never have been necessary in the first place. You deserve better.