Those who are waiting to TTC

amyloofoo

euronorris wrote: »

OH threw me a curveball last night, by telling me that if his work does offer him the local contract after all, then he wants to take it! I made it clear that I still want to move home, and will do. Cue lots of talking and exhaustion now.

We've looked at his why's, so I'm trying to show him solutions to that. No idea if he will come round or not. He tried to come up with solutions for my reasons why I want to move back, but trying to throw money at an emotional problem doesn't really work. Nor does suggesting that I visit the family once every 2 months - I already do more than that! (average about 6-8 trips home per year)

Having a bad day.

I really hope things work out for you Euro :grouphug: I know how miserable it is to be miles away from where you 'feel' you should be.

Bazzi, more hugs I feel... that sounds horrible. I hate the implied criticism of people who just don't understand and it's even worse when they're family :grouphug:

Kalama

euronorris wrote: »

I really like it. I find that I don't get that hungry anymore, despite not having my usual 'treats'. We also did the process of using up all the non paleo stuff in the house. Now the OH moans when I don't buy anymore! lol

A favourite of ours is a home made chicken kiev (sans breadcrumbs), which is pan fried, with veggies. Nom, nom, nom. I got the recipe from Mark Sisson's website Blasted things never stay together, but they taste delish!

I'm back down to an 8/10 so I must be doing something right.

OH threw me a curveball last night, by telling me that if his work does offer him the local contract after all, then he wants to take it! I made it clear that I still want to move home, and will do. Cue lots of talking and exhaustion now.

We've looked at his why's, so I'm trying to show him solutions to that. No idea if he will come round or not. He tried to come up with solutions for my reasons why I want to move back, but trying to throw money at an emotional problem doesn't really work. Nor does suggesting that I visit the family once every 2 months - I already do more than that! (average about 6-8 trips home per year)

Having a bad day.

Wow - well done on the size 8/10! Can I be cheeky and ask what you were when you started?

I thought I would be craving bread etc more than I am. The next challenge is to reduce the allowed stuff which is quite calorific or fatty. Also to stop my regular evening glass of wine .

Those chicken kievs sound great - I'll be looking those up. We had a Spanish pot roast chicken last night - absolutely delish.

Oh hun - sorry about the curveball. I can understand a little of how you feel as my desire to just be back home now is pretty overwhelming at times. I'm not sure what else to say really - but we are here if you need to talk or rant xxx

Kalama

browneyedbazzi wrote: »

It's a terrible thing to say but I'm glad I live away from my family now....we never had a great relationship and I'm sure that my mother would drive me absolutely mental if she's around if/when I have a baby. She constantly comes out with ideas about what you should/shouldn't do based on random nonsense articles she's read on the internet (she doesn't trust online shopping but she believes everything she reads about health stuff!).

It's not a terrible thing to say - we don't choose our families xx I am a bit nervous over what my mother and mother-in-law would be like if we do have a sprog.

Mortgage_Reduction_Novice

Kalama wrote: »

It's not a terrible thing to say - we don't choose our families xx I am a bit nervous over what my mother and mother-in-law would be like if we do have a sprog.

You know they say the reason we can choose our friends is compensation for not being able to choose our family!

My MIL is a nightmare, even OH glad she lives in another country! I learnt some new swear words around her so heaven knows what it'd be like with an impressionable toddler around her!

browneyedbazzi

Thank you all! It's nice that some people understand - most people seem a bit shocked and horrified when they hear that and think it's a terrible thing for a daughter to say. My only response to that is that they don't know my mother and didn't see my life growing up or hear what she says now.

Thankfully my partners mum and dad are really lovely people, smart, and supper supportive so I think they'll be great and make wonderful grandparents.

Mortgage Reduction Novice - you're right about choosing friends! My friends have been my salvation many times and an incredibly important part of my life

euronorris

Thanks everyone - you're all so lovely and supportive.

I decided not to talk about it any further last night. I just can't face another tough conversation like that at the moment. Plus, he has another appointment with the therapist tomorrow to discuss his stress, and decisions like this.

His worries are like Head in Clouds are - the job market, and not being able to get a job, or if he does, not a well paid one. Through all our talking on Tuesday night, I got the strong impression that he's actually more concerned about me earning more than him if we returned to the UK. I think that is for two reasons: His ego about it and what he feels is 'expected' of him, and possibly having to be a stay at home Dad (which he said he could do for a while, maybe a year, but after that he'd be desparate to get back into work).

I read some advice online (I know, I know, but it made sense), that said the best way to deal with these disagreements was to each talk about the whys, and then try to come up with solutions, either way, that would then lead to you both finding a solution you are happy with. The only thing I can think of that would work from his POV with his current job, is if he got his work to agree to him working from home remotely (in the UK), or possibly dividing his time between here and the UK somehow. But, of course, that depends on his works agreement.

And I've had the idea that, if he were to leave this job and return to UK with me, I could concentrate on getting a reasonably well paid job in London first (circa 25k+), which would allow me to support us financially at first. He could then use some of the savings we have to retrain, whilst I worked. Once qualified (in whatever he wants to do), he could then go and get that high paid job he wants so much and we could reverse the roles. This would also have the added benefit of me working long enough in a new job to earn maternity leave, which would be a bonus. I sent him that idea in an email yesterday, but told him I didn't expect a decision or a response straight away. Just something for him to think about (and possibly discuss during his appointment tomorrow if he wants to).

I'm considering telling him of the other ideas I've just had (about splitting time between countries), but am wary of adding more stress. I don't want to push him backwards two steps, when he's only just taken one step forward in terms of the stress.

What do you ladies think? Both of telling him the ideas, and your thoughts on the ideas.

I know that the idea of me working, whilst he retrains will add more time to when we can start TTC, but I'm prepared to do that if it means we both reach a solution that we are happy with (both short and long term).

And welcome Mortgage Reduction Novice (and other newbies I've missed - sorry!).

Browneyedbazzi - Don't feel bad! A good friend of mine split with her boyfriend this weekend. She's living in Bath, but the plan before the split was to move back to Kent. That plan has now changed, and when I asked her why, she said it was because of her mother (well, step mother). She really likes having that space between them, particularly as the last time she visited they had a blazing row....about me! That woman hates me, all because I once said to her 'No, I don't think so. XXXX is a lovely girl. She's my best friend.'. almost 7 years on, she's still seething about it. Not sure whether I should be flattered or not? lol

browneyedbazzi

euro - I think that your approach to finding a way forward is the right one. Years ago I used to work with troubled families and one of the things we were taught to do and tried to pass on to our clients was 'solution focused problem solving' - which means you think about the outcome you want and then focus on potential ways to get there rather than dwelling on barriers etc. It's a really effective technique and it sounds like that's what you're doing

It's good that you're coming up with multiple options as well, too many people think of one 'solution' to a problem and stop there...then when it doesn't work out or there's a barrier they get stuck or regress.

In terms of talking to your OH about your ideas, I think you should but that you need to choose your moment carefully. Ideally do it at a time when you both feel fairly relaxed because if there's tension between you it's so much harder to have a constructive discussion and properly weigh up the available options etc. Whatever you do, I hope you come to a solution that you are happy with and that gets you to the position you want to be in x

trina2010

good morning all!

keep at it euro, im sure you guys will come up with a compromise that makes you both happy, or reasonably anyway!

just called my doctors about making an appointment to get my mirena removed to be told that they dont do removals.............didnt expect that! so ive to try and make a hospital appointment, which their clinic is on Monday! (only on twice a month) so it looks like my NTNP might be moving forward or back depending on getting an appointment.
i didnt think it was so complicated that i couldnt get it done at my doctors! hmmm

euronorris

Thanks Browneyedbazzi.

There hasn't been too much tension. We've still been nice and loving to each other, but the er, intimate side suffered for a few days as I wasn't really interested when I was thinking and preparing for the worst.

He just text me to tell me he loves me, so I told him I love him too (of course) and have thought of some possible solutions (ones where he could accept the work contract here), but don't want to suggest/discuss them yet if it is going to stress him out more, so he can just let me know when he's ready. And that I am feeling more positive again. So, hopefully, he won't be stressing out or worrying about it too much. I know him, and he's probably spent the last couple of days stressing and worrying about it too, so I thought that telling him I have some possible solutions to discuss, might help him relax about it a bit.

I do have a concern for one of my solutions though, and that is paying for somewhere to live both in UK and NL. His salary is good, but I don't think it would be enough to cover both AND trips back and forth (let alone the cost of bringing up a baby).

And then I considered me potentially living with the folks, which is cheaper than private renting or having a mortgage, but not sure that that is really fair on my folks. Dad's 71 and Mum's 65 and in poor health, but the house is split over 3 floors (with bedroom and shower/toilet on the ground floor (they are on top floor)) and there would be the added bonus of being able to assist my parents with the housework and maintenance. Or there is the other possibility, I guess, of living there 6 months, and living in NL for 6 months whilst the little ones are young, but it wouldn't work long term (what with schooling etc).

A couple of my siblings have the space too, but they've only just started their own families and I have a feeling they will need the space themselves soon enough. Plus, they might not want me to come live with them (no matter how much they love me), whereas my parents would most likely love it (mum's desperate for me to return to the UK too).

I'm sure he's raised similar ideas before, and at the time, they didn't appeal. But it's not really any different to being an army wife, I guess, but there would be the added bonus of having frequent visits during those 6 months we're apart.

Man, why is it that there are now loads of ideas flying around, and before I couldn't see even one solution?! lol

euronorris

Morning Trina!

Neither did I. The doc here told me to just make another appointment with them, when I want my copper one removed. As far as I am aware, they set you up as they did with the insertion, and then remove. But maybe they have different processes here than in the UK. I know that in the UK, I had to go to hospital to have my ganglion drained, but in NL the doc did it there and then, on the same day I enquired about it!