Family members wanting control over you

andygb

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

If they started questioning you you could say half jokingly "our financial situation's none of your business, cheeky!!"

I don't think it's a matter of wanting to control you, they were probably just worried.

Last year we took them on a day trip to France, which they agreed to pay for (as we were hard up, and we did the driving). When we got to France, my dad gave me £20 (The crossing was £49), and my sister opened her purse, held it upside down, laughed and said - "empty".
She then tried to dictate where we went (shopping!!), instead of letting us show them around.
When we went to Cite Europe, we split up, and the wife and I had a cheap meal (menu de jour) at a little cafe.
They spotted us, and made a couple of funny comments, asking how could we afford to eat at a "restaurant". We found out later, that they had relayed this to one of our relations, except that the story had grown - we had eaten at an expensive restaurant!
The whole lot came to around £30, so we spent £10 of our own money, and then had to watch as the sister loaded up our car with around £150 of shopping (no cash, she used her credit card).
Before we caught the boat back, we bought a couple of cases of cheap wine, and again there were funny comments.
This may give you some idea why we did not want to tell them we were going on a short holiday.

stejobeth

If they hardly bother with you what were the flowers for?

pigpen

andygb wrote: »

Did you actually read the part, where I said that they never (well, the last time was Christmas 2009, and they had someone else drive them, and then left after the meal) visit us, and hardly ever phone us?

yes.. and the part you said you phone them weekly.. so they don't need to phone you.. that doesn't mean they weren't expecting you to call and were worried when you didn't! And the part they sent flowers.. people who don't care about you don't send flowers!

It is called being part of a family!

Plans_all_plans

andygb wrote: »

Last year we took them on a day trip to France, which they agreed to pay for (as we were hard up, and we did the driving). When we got to France, my dad gave me £20 (The crossing was £49), and my sister opened her purse, held it upside down, laughed and said - "empty".
She then tried to dictate where we went (shopping!!), instead of letting us show them around.
When we went to Cite Europe, we split up, and the wife and I had a cheap meal (menu de jour) at a little cafe.
They spotted us, and made a couple of funny comments, asking how could we afford to eat at a "restaurant". We found out later, that they had relayed this to one of our relations, except that the story had grown - we had eaten at an expensive restaurant!
The whole lot came to around £30, so we spent £10 of our own money, and then had to watch as the sister loaded up our car with around £150 of shopping (no cash, she used her credit card).
Before we caught the boat back, we bought a couple of cases of cheap wine, and again there were funny comments.
This may give you some idea why we did not want to tell them we were going on a short holiday.

You should ring her back and embarrass her by saying "we didn't tell you we were going away cos we though you'd try to come with us like last time, saying you were going to pay and turning out to be a skinflint who never put her hand in her pocket once!"

stejobeth

andygb wrote: »

Last year we took them on a day trip to France, which they agreed to pay for (as we were hard up, and we did the driving). When we got to France, my dad gave me £20 (The crossing was £49), and my sister opened her purse, held it upside down, laughed and said - "empty".
She then tried to dictate where we went (shopping!!), instead of letting us show them around.
When we went to Cite Europe, we split up, and the wife and I had a cheap meal (menu de jour) at a little cafe.
They spotted us, and made a couple of funny comments, asking how could we afford to eat at a "restaurant". We found out later, that they had relayed this to one of our relations, except that the story had grown - we had eaten at an expensive restaurant!
The whole lot came to around £30, so we spent £10 of our own money, and then had to watch as the sister loaded up our car with around £150 of shopping (no cash, she used her credit card).
Before we caught the boat back, we bought a couple of cases of cheap wine, and again there were funny comments.
This may give you some idea why we did not want to tell them we were going on a short holiday.

Ok they do sound a bit full on
I'd still have told them we were going though only because I know I would be very worried if I couldn't contact my sister for a few days. Thats not because I am controlling it's because I love her and we are very close even if she does drive me round the bend at times!

andygb

stejobeth wrote: »

If they hardly bother with you what were the flowers for?

We have constantly asked my sister not to send presents, as we cannot afford to give them.
She ignores this, and makes a big point of telling veryone what our financial situation is, and how she has bought us something, because we are so poor.
She will ask us in front of other people, if we have liked the presents which she has given us. She will actually go further than that, and tell people how much they cost.
She never removes price tags from presents.
She always makes a point of telling people what she buys for other relations.

pigpen

andygb wrote: »

Last year we took them on a day trip to France, which they agreed to pay for (as we were hard up, and we did the driving). When we got to France, my dad gave me £20 (The crossing was £49), and my sister opened her purse, held it upside down, laughed and said - "empty".
She then tried to dictate where we went (shopping!!), instead of letting us show them around.
When we went to Cite Europe, we split up, and the wife and I had a cheap meal (menu de jour) at a little cafe.
They spotted us, and made a couple of funny comments, asking how could we afford to eat at a "restaurant". We found out later, that they had relayed this to one of our relations, except that the story had grown - we had eaten at an expensive restaurant!
The whole lot came to around £30, so we spent £10 of our own money, and then had to watch as the sister loaded up our car with around £150 of shopping (no cash, she used her credit card).
Before we caught the boat back, we bought a couple of cases of cheap wine, and again there were funny comments.
This may give you some idea why we did not want to tell them we were going on a short holiday.

not really...

It says your sis doesn't carry cash, is in loads of debt on her credit card and both her and your dad are tight when it comes to paying for themselves.. it doesn't in any way say they don't care about you or they wouldn't be concerned if you disappeared.

I don't think you are looking at this rationally.. everyone here can see what you can't.. you are stuck in your own frame of thinking when maybe you should be looking at this theother way on..

If you rang you sister one week, like you normally do, and there was no reply.. what would you do? Would you ring back? Would you worry about her being safe and well? Would you be concerned if after ringing for 5 days you got no reply?

Plans_all_plans

You can help yourself by not telling her your financial situation! Let her buy you what she wants, if you can't afford to give presents back in return, don't tell her so, just don't give them. If she asks you in front of people did you like the presents, say "yeah they were lovely". Don't get so het up about it. I can see why she's annoying you, but don't tell her the ins and outs of your money situation in the first place.

Bennifred

It is unfortunate that your sister "caught you" whilst you away for only five days, if you are not in very close contact! Maybe next time leave a message on your answer machine so if they do ring whilst you are way they won't have any reason to worry. It all sounds like a bit of a storm in a tea cup!

andygb

pigpen wrote: »

yes.. and the part you said you phone them weekly.. so they don't need to phone you.. that doesn't mean they weren't expecting you to call and were worried when you didn't! And the part they sent flowers.. people who don't care about you don't send flowers!

It is called being part of a family!

They could have turned up for my 50th birthday bash, but decided not to, as they do not like BBQs.
At our wedding, they could have stayed until the end, instead of leaving after an hour, because they thought the music was too loud? They were the only people to complain, everyone else had a good time.