Get annoyed with parents

pollypenny

My 'laid back' DD annoys the hell out of me. House is a mess, dishes piled up in sink, newspapers everywhere. etc, etc ........

Perhaps OP needs to pull his finger out and help.

Savvy_Sue

kymbo82 wrote: »

well my mum's an alcoholic and my dad's a heroin addict so yes they do my head in! On a regular basis! but they are my parents and I love them dearly.

Like someone else said in a post you'll be like them before you know it!

Crikey, I do hope not in your case! :rotfl:

Tuesday_Tenor

My Mum was a 'whinger' too. While my gran would gossip about neighbours a bit, it was always with kindness and concern. Mum, on the other hand, was always critical and complaining about what everybody did. And complaining about such TRIVIAL things.

When I left home for university I was SO glad to get away. I went back to may parents only for the main holidays (mostly, though often went to friends too!), never in between. And would never in a million years ever have gone back there to live.

In my 20s and 30s I'd visit out of duty, but it was always difficult. How do you cope with someone who repeatedly tells you what you think; if she's wrong, do you correct her mis-apprehension? Eventually, no, you just let it go over your head as the 'ding-dong' battle isn't worth it. For instance, she'd say 'You want to wear some lipstick', 'No, I dont', 'Yes you do'. No,....' !

I could, at least, manage to stay several days. My sister refused to stay overnight, as she just couldn't spend that much time with Mum. That was after they tried a holiday together in our 20s! So for over 20 years she just did visits; even around Christmas.

Myself and sister are sensible people. Everything we've done in life we've weighed up the pros and cons of things. We do things for the positive life-enhancing reasons and take steps to minimise the risks or negative aspects. If we told Mum our plans she's come out with all the doom and gloom of the things that could go wrong. Which were things we'd already considered. It was so irriatating that she could never see the positive aspects of ANYthing or express any postive support. In the end we stopped talking about our plans, and just got on with our lives.

I was helped a bit by my partner during my 40s who helped me see some more positive aspects of my parents. And sometimes it needs the presence of someone else to help your parents treat you as an adult.

It's only since Mum died three years ago that I've been able to spend much time with my Dad, and my sister's been able to visit him for whole weekends. While he has his own issues, he isn't difficult just to 'be' with, in the way Mum was.

I think my Mum was a bit frustrated that she didn't get exactly what she wanted out of life and resented our freedom. She had the money and opportunities to change things, though, whether in a fundamental way, or just adding some cheerfulness. But she didn't.

So, don't expect there to be a magic wand. Some people are like this!
Just concentrate on letting it not get to you so much that the relationship breaks down completely. Sis and I just about managed to do this. (And I managed to care for Mum for the last 2 months of her life, which she appreciated. While still whinging (!), but by then she genuinely DID have things to whinge about, and that was easier to for me to cope with).
Limit the time you have to spend with her at this stage of your life if she's really difficult.
Suggest she take up some new interests now that she's not a full-time mother any more (? if that's the case - don't know if you have siblings? does Mum work?)
On the noise issue: Consider that actually she MAY be more sensitive to noise than you are. I've sometimes wondered if my Mum had some mild autistic traits, which can include hyper-sensitivity to noise.

If she's still whinging in a few years then you can point out that her whinging keeps you away.

As they say: you can choose your friends but not your family!
Good luck! Stay cool!

Susan_Frost

You dont mention a Dad. Does mum live alone. I presume she is not that old if you are at Uni.

Does she need to "get a life" - and I do mean it in the nicest possible way. Does she have friends, places to go, people to see ? If not, can you encourage her. It does sound as though she is jealous, resentful and perhaps just very unhappy with her life.

No, she should not be the way she is, but these could be reasons. If she is just simply a nasty person, then you may just have to sling "a deaf un" and just not really be drawn in to respond.

LittleMissAspie

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

It was so irriatating that she could never see the positive aspects of ANYthing or express any postive support.

My parents are/were like this too. Except they are less negative now that I'm an adult than when I was growing up, and that makes me quite angry because I needed them to be positive people when I was growing up and then maybe I wouldn't be such a pessimist now.

tanith

Just appreciate your parents while you have them , they won't be around for ever then you seriously will miss them and all their faults , I know I do still and its been a long time...

Plans_all_plans

IF ONLY my mum just whinged about and criticised other people!! I'd have a happy life and would listen to her gripes all day long!

As it stands, every time we speak, we argue :-( as she is incapable of keeping her opinions to herself! Everything I say, do or think is wrong and she is pleased to tell me so. I had been used to this for a long time, so I could live with it ok, but since I had my daughter 4 years ago it has escalated. I KNOW I'm a far better parent than most, so to be criticised constantly on parenting points (as well as everything else) is something I'm not willing to take. Cue at least 12 phone conversations THIS WEEK that have ended in me hanging up on her.

It's a shame because I refrain from inviting my parents to ours and I can't tolerate staying with them for any longer than 2 days maximum, so my dad is missing out.

As much as I might like to cut off contact with her (and would be justified in doing so by any reasonable person) I just wouldn't and couldn't.

In summary OP, think yourself lucky!!

shy-but-need-help

Could it be having you home makes her put her "brave pants" on and vent about all the things that irritates her daily but she never says or does anything about them as she feels she has no one to back her up?

My mother does this- she and dad get on fine on a day to day (I live 15 minutes down the road, my sister lives a 3 hour drive away) things annoy her about my dad, work, the neighbours and she might mention it to me but overall just lets things go, however my sister comes home to visit and out comes "Grandmother fight-club" (as my husband affectionately calls her- and it is with affection, he's known my mom since he was 17, they get on great) When she has my sister home she lays into my dad about everything he does- or doesn't do, fronts up to neighbours, rocks the boat at her work... I think because my sister doesn't have to stick around for the aftermath she gives my mom the spark that kicks it all off.

I then have to pick up pieces (and convince her the neighbours aren't all out to get her) once my sister goes home again.

Maybe she's that eager for the few days she gets to spend with you to be perfect that everything annoying seems amplified in those few days?

JC9297

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

IF ONLY my mum just whinged about and criticised other people!! I'd have a happy life and would listen to her gripes all day long!

As it stands, every time we speak, we argue :-( as she is incapable of keeping her opinions to herself! Everything I say, do or think is wrong and she is pleased to tell me so. I had been used to this for a long time, so I could live with it ok, but since I had my daughter 4 years ago it has escalated. I KNOW I'm a far better parent than most, so to be criticised constantly on parenting points (as well as everything else) is something I'm not willing to take. Cue at least 12 phone conversations THIS WEEK that have ended in me hanging up on her.

It's a shame because I refrain from inviting my parents to ours and I can't tolerate staying with them for any longer than 2 days maximum, so my dad is missing out.

As much as I might like to cut off contact with her (and would be justified in doing so by any reasonable person) I just wouldn't and couldn't.

In summary OP, think yourself lucky!!

Why 12 phone conversations in a week if you don't get on?:(

I speak to my mum once a week unless there is anything particular either of us wants to call about that can't wait.

bluebag

I am a mum and a whinger and not at all laid back, I twitch and fuss about everything. My kids are still living with me.

Please tell me what I am doing wrong?